last night i went over to the Nob Hill neighborhood to a restaurant called Papa Haydn's. if you live in portland, you know what a great place it is. my brother, his wife and i went out at about 10 pm for some dessert. we waited about 30 minutes and then we were seated. the hostess sat us in the very back.
i always notice where i'm seated in a restaurant. if i'm with my husband and we're seated in the back, i have to wonder if maybe it's because we're interracial, or just because at least one of us is black. i can't help it. and you'd never know i was thinking this. i just play along. despite how my thoughts in this blog may portray me, i truly don't walk around with a chip on my shoulder, honest.
my dad used to have this thing whenever we'd go out-he NEVER wanted to sit towards the back, or by the dirty dish carts. i think he was grossed out by it but i also think it was a possible racism thing. and if we were seated there, he always made a big deal out of it and insisted the server seat us elsewhere. he never mentioned race but i think it was a factor in him being so picky about where we sat.
so last night, my brother insisted we sit somewhere else-at another table so he could sit by the window,he said. although i took note of us being seated in the very back, i was content to just sit there. it was crowded, busy (but there were other tables available), and i was too tired to care. my mom never brought up race and the seating but i think deep down maybe she wanted to see to it that we were not seated in the back.
white people never have to wonder about why they might have been seated where they're seated. if they're seated in the way back, it's just because that's what was available. end of story. but, i've never worked in a restaurant, so it's possible that's there's some method to the seating and i don't have a clue. if i'm not careful, i can read racism into lots of things. i try not to. i'm not even suggesting that it was racism last night. i don't know. but i also try not to overlook obvious racism it if i can help it. i think the desire to get a 'fair shake' despite being black is just ingrained in me, so i'm always aware of the little things.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
kinks
yesterday, i took my kids to swimming lessons. another(white) mom and i struck up a conversation while we were watching our kids in the pool. she seemed really nice until we started talking about hair. she says to me that oh my god, her hair is JUST like black peoples hair-it gets all kinky when it's wet, is so unmanagable and 'it sucks' she says.
"uhmmHmmm". i say. i was dumbfounded. i could have explained to her that it doesn't necessarily "suck". that, her hair wasn't 'just like black peoples' hair, she just didn't know how to tame it obviously. and so on.
but i didn't. i just sat there. and ignored it. it didn't upset me. it made me feel kind of superior, that i could see how ignorant and stupid she was, but she couldn't. and that at her age, she doesn't have a clue.
this is what i'm talking about, people. portland white people like to think they're so diverse and progressive, but they're really not. they just want to be.
"uhmmHmmm". i say. i was dumbfounded. i could have explained to her that it doesn't necessarily "suck". that, her hair wasn't 'just like black peoples' hair, she just didn't know how to tame it obviously. and so on.
but i didn't. i just sat there. and ignored it. it didn't upset me. it made me feel kind of superior, that i could see how ignorant and stupid she was, but she couldn't. and that at her age, she doesn't have a clue.
this is what i'm talking about, people. portland white people like to think they're so diverse and progressive, but they're really not. they just want to be.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
wannabees
howcome (it seems like) the only white guys who are intersted in black women, are the wanna-be ghetto, vanilla ice/k-fed type? i mean, seriously. i just see that a lot. i guess if a white guy is all into hip hop and the ghetto slang, etc., it goes without saying that he likes black women too?
are there white guys who resemble Chandler or Ross or Joey and don't listen to HIP HOP that like black women? now that seems rare to me. at least in MY neck of the woods. i bet that in california it's not that way, as the demographics are waaay different. but here in portland, chandler-type (white collar, educated, well-traveled, etc) white men aren't exposed to black women enough.
i met a friend downtown for lunch today and afterwards we stopped at old navy. there was a really cute black girl with a little mixed baby and a white guy. she glanced at me and smiled a funky smile as if to say, 'look what i got'. maybe that's not what she meant at all, but it sure seemed like it.
anyhow, her man was one of those guys, the white hip hopper, wannabe ghetto gangsta type. at least, that's how he appeared.
my theory is that people generally dress like the musicians they like. i mean, can't you usually tell what kind of music someone is into by the way they look? for example, when you see those goth people with the painted white face and all black with black hair and black lipstick, you know they don't listen to Jay-Z. so someone like that's not likely to be hanging out at places where there are lots of black people and undoubtedly date a black girl. or how often is total rocker dude smitten by a black girl who loves hip hop?
in my opinion, if a black girl wants to date a white collar white guy, she has to act white collar (i.e. listen to white music, be thin, speak proper english, etc.)
i know there are black women with white men who are not the hip hopper wannabe but from what i've seen in portland, the former is what's pretty typical. it's probably a little ironic that i'm even posting about this because my husband is a *reformed* mild wannabe hiphopper. i never liked when white guys would act that way so as soon as we got together and got serious, i changed his look REAL quick. now, after a few years he's just a white collar guy with some flavor.
are there white guys who resemble Chandler or Ross or Joey and don't listen to HIP HOP that like black women? now that seems rare to me. at least in MY neck of the woods. i bet that in california it's not that way, as the demographics are waaay different. but here in portland, chandler-type (white collar, educated, well-traveled, etc) white men aren't exposed to black women enough.
i met a friend downtown for lunch today and afterwards we stopped at old navy. there was a really cute black girl with a little mixed baby and a white guy. she glanced at me and smiled a funky smile as if to say, 'look what i got'. maybe that's not what she meant at all, but it sure seemed like it.
anyhow, her man was one of those guys, the white hip hopper, wannabe ghetto gangsta type. at least, that's how he appeared.
my theory is that people generally dress like the musicians they like. i mean, can't you usually tell what kind of music someone is into by the way they look? for example, when you see those goth people with the painted white face and all black with black hair and black lipstick, you know they don't listen to Jay-Z. so someone like that's not likely to be hanging out at places where there are lots of black people and undoubtedly date a black girl. or how often is total rocker dude smitten by a black girl who loves hip hop?
in my opinion, if a black girl wants to date a white collar white guy, she has to act white collar (i.e. listen to white music, be thin, speak proper english, etc.)
i know there are black women with white men who are not the hip hopper wannabe but from what i've seen in portland, the former is what's pretty typical. it's probably a little ironic that i'm even posting about this because my husband is a *reformed* mild wannabe hiphopper. i never liked when white guys would act that way so as soon as we got together and got serious, i changed his look REAL quick. now, after a few years he's just a white collar guy with some flavor.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
lying
i try not to lie. i mean, that's my big thing. to me, lying is wrong. if someone asks me something that i don't want to answer, i'll figure out a hundred different ways to say it without actually lying.
but. when it comes to my husband's CAREER, i do lie. i think that of all our many friends, only one or two know what his job is. and the friends that know it are only the friends who are worse off-jobwise. my parents don't even know what he does. our good friends, especially with impressive jobs don't know what he does. they know who he works for, but they don't know his job title.
honestly, we rarely talk about what he does when we're with friends. if the conversation is steering toward that direction, you can count on me to help steer it somewhere else.
am i ashamed of my husbands job? i wouldn't say ashamed. no, that's not it. disappointed that he doesn't have a more prestigious career? maybe. there's nothing wrong with his job,really. it pays OKAY. it pays our bills. it's not a bad job, but it's nothing to brag or be excited about. pretty close to an entry level type postion. it's an honest living, but nothing special. at all.
i guess i expected him/us to have a great career by our mid 30s, and he doesn't. when people ask what he does, i just say that he's a project manager. that's kind of a general, vague answer. i usually don't have to go into detail. usually after i tell them that, they don't ask for specifics about it. i guess it gives them just enough to form an opinion. at least i don't have to reveal his actual, mediocre, non-impressive job to anyone.
my parents know which company he works for but they never ask what he actually does. deep down, i think they probably think it's not so important or maybe they think they're sparing me the uncomfortableness of me telling them that he has an uninspired, dull office job.
i am proud of the fact that we've never had to borrow money from anyone in the past 11 years we've been married, and that we have perfect credit. so what if i don't tell the truth about what he really does?
when people ask what my husband does, do they really care? are they just trying to make an assumption about us based on what i tell them? i don't believe that our outwardly appearance gives any indication that we don't make a better living than we actually do, so what difference does it make? i'm just being hopeful.
but. when it comes to my husband's CAREER, i do lie. i think that of all our many friends, only one or two know what his job is. and the friends that know it are only the friends who are worse off-jobwise. my parents don't even know what he does. our good friends, especially with impressive jobs don't know what he does. they know who he works for, but they don't know his job title.
honestly, we rarely talk about what he does when we're with friends. if the conversation is steering toward that direction, you can count on me to help steer it somewhere else.
am i ashamed of my husbands job? i wouldn't say ashamed. no, that's not it. disappointed that he doesn't have a more prestigious career? maybe. there's nothing wrong with his job,really. it pays OKAY. it pays our bills. it's not a bad job, but it's nothing to brag or be excited about. pretty close to an entry level type postion. it's an honest living, but nothing special. at all.
i guess i expected him/us to have a great career by our mid 30s, and he doesn't. when people ask what he does, i just say that he's a project manager. that's kind of a general, vague answer. i usually don't have to go into detail. usually after i tell them that, they don't ask for specifics about it. i guess it gives them just enough to form an opinion. at least i don't have to reveal his actual, mediocre, non-impressive job to anyone.
my parents know which company he works for but they never ask what he actually does. deep down, i think they probably think it's not so important or maybe they think they're sparing me the uncomfortableness of me telling them that he has an uninspired, dull office job.
i am proud of the fact that we've never had to borrow money from anyone in the past 11 years we've been married, and that we have perfect credit. so what if i don't tell the truth about what he really does?
when people ask what my husband does, do they really care? are they just trying to make an assumption about us based on what i tell them? i don't believe that our outwardly appearance gives any indication that we don't make a better living than we actually do, so what difference does it make? i'm just being hopeful.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Pick-ups
what is it with black guys and their pick-up techniques?? seriously. i'm married, so it makes no difference to me, but still. it's so stupid. it's like everywhere they go is an automatic, virtual meat-market pick-up opportunity. ev.ery.where.
i went to the lloyd center mall yesterday after work. i looked tired, i'm sure, but evidently that didn't matter. even if i did look hot, why do black men always act like anytime and anyplace is fine to try to pick-up a woman?
' 'sup girl'. 'hey, how you doin'?' 'whashow name?' 'hey pretty lady'. ugh. come onnnnnn. DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE YOUR TYPE?
i'm not minimizing the fact that people like to meet people. that's fine and all. but what I notice, here in portland is that a lot of the black guys act like everywhere they go is a "mackin'" opportunity, something i really don't notice white guys doing. and i'm not trying to insult black men and praise white men, i just really think it's worth discussing.
albeit, these guys are usually the "scrubs" type of guy who is basically a loser (or at least appears to be). but my point is not the fact that they're scrubs-we all know those guys exist. i'm talking about the fact that wherever they go-whether it's the store, the doctor's office, the mall, walking down the street, etc., etc., they feel the need to try to get the hook-up with a woman that they find attractive.
maybe i'm just being a snob. but so what. black people sort of have this unspoken thing, here in Portland where when we see each other in the store we nod, just to kind of acknowledge each other. or, we used to. i don't think it's as common as it used to be when there were fewer of us living here. and, i'm just not into that anyway. so what if i'm black and you're black and we're in the store at the same time? the only time i really make an effort at that is if i happen to be out in outskirts of portland where there are so few black people that it's scary. if i see one of us out there, i'll definitely acknowledge them. for out and about around portland, i might give a friendly smile to another black woman, but usually not another black guy-'cause they only take it as an attempted pick-up. and then, i never know if the black men who are asking me- a passerby, 'how i'm doing' if they're trying to pick me up, or if they're doing that acknowledgment thing. why can't they just smile ? is that too "soft" for a black man? the acknowledgement thing is definitely a portland thing because back east and down south, there are so many black people that it's just no big deal to see a fellow black person.
my point is this do white guys do this? are they any more respectable when it comes to this thing? 'cause honestly, i've never been hit-on like that by a white man or seen a white man walking around at the mall or the park asking "what's up" to every good-looking girl they see. maybe in the nightclubs, but never out and about at the grocery store. my husband is white and we met among friends. so i honestly don't know if this is a ghetto black guy thing or if white guys are just as bad. sure, white men might be on the lookout for a new girlfreind, but it seems like there's a cultural difference in the way they go about finding her.
so, here's my final point. pick-ups are fine. for the "whassup girl" type pick ups, save it for the nightclubs. i figure anyone who's at a nightclub is looking for that type of person anyway. and for black men who might see a SINGLE woman at the grocery store (or wherever), and MUST try to pick her up, they should just try smiling.
i went to the lloyd center mall yesterday after work. i looked tired, i'm sure, but evidently that didn't matter. even if i did look hot, why do black men always act like anytime and anyplace is fine to try to pick-up a woman?
' 'sup girl'. 'hey, how you doin'?' 'whashow name?' 'hey pretty lady'. ugh. come onnnnnn. DO I REALLY LOOK LIKE YOUR TYPE?
i'm not minimizing the fact that people like to meet people. that's fine and all. but what I notice, here in portland is that a lot of the black guys act like everywhere they go is a "mackin'" opportunity, something i really don't notice white guys doing. and i'm not trying to insult black men and praise white men, i just really think it's worth discussing.
albeit, these guys are usually the "scrubs" type of guy who is basically a loser (or at least appears to be). but my point is not the fact that they're scrubs-we all know those guys exist. i'm talking about the fact that wherever they go-whether it's the store, the doctor's office, the mall, walking down the street, etc., etc., they feel the need to try to get the hook-up with a woman that they find attractive.
maybe i'm just being a snob. but so what. black people sort of have this unspoken thing, here in Portland where when we see each other in the store we nod, just to kind of acknowledge each other. or, we used to. i don't think it's as common as it used to be when there were fewer of us living here. and, i'm just not into that anyway. so what if i'm black and you're black and we're in the store at the same time? the only time i really make an effort at that is if i happen to be out in outskirts of portland where there are so few black people that it's scary. if i see one of us out there, i'll definitely acknowledge them. for out and about around portland, i might give a friendly smile to another black woman, but usually not another black guy-'cause they only take it as an attempted pick-up. and then, i never know if the black men who are asking me- a passerby, 'how i'm doing' if they're trying to pick me up, or if they're doing that acknowledgment thing. why can't they just smile ? is that too "soft" for a black man? the acknowledgement thing is definitely a portland thing because back east and down south, there are so many black people that it's just no big deal to see a fellow black person.
my point is this do white guys do this? are they any more respectable when it comes to this thing? 'cause honestly, i've never been hit-on like that by a white man or seen a white man walking around at the mall or the park asking "what's up" to every good-looking girl they see. maybe in the nightclubs, but never out and about at the grocery store. my husband is white and we met among friends. so i honestly don't know if this is a ghetto black guy thing or if white guys are just as bad. sure, white men might be on the lookout for a new girlfreind, but it seems like there's a cultural difference in the way they go about finding her.
so, here's my final point. pick-ups are fine. for the "whassup girl" type pick ups, save it for the nightclubs. i figure anyone who's at a nightclub is looking for that type of person anyway. and for black men who might see a SINGLE woman at the grocery store (or wherever), and MUST try to pick her up, they should just try smiling.
Friday, June 15, 2007
ouch
i get emails from people all the time. most of the emails are friendly, from folks who just want to say that they can relate in one way or another.
sometimes i get emails from people who think i'm an idiot and can't understand why on earth i'd write a blog and put my most personal thoughts out there.
want to know why? it's SO therapeutic. really.
a while back you might remember a post about how insecure i felt going out in public holding hands or being affectionate with my husband of 11 years. it was only because of the race issue. you know, black, white, etc.
i got so many emails from people who thought i was nuts and couldn't understand my insecurity. i got a few emails from people who could relate as well. anyway, it's been several months, i think and just in the last month i've noticed how i truly couldn't care less about what people think anymore when we're out. granted, i'm not a publicly affectionate person, but even just sitting outside at a restaurant made me insecure.
not anymore. i think this blog makes me feel different. once i put myself out there and i get to hear feedback-good and bad, it gives me some perspective and subtly changes my outlook.
sometimes the emails sting though. and that helps too.
sometimes i get emails from people who think i'm an idiot and can't understand why on earth i'd write a blog and put my most personal thoughts out there.
want to know why? it's SO therapeutic. really.
a while back you might remember a post about how insecure i felt going out in public holding hands or being affectionate with my husband of 11 years. it was only because of the race issue. you know, black, white, etc.
i got so many emails from people who thought i was nuts and couldn't understand my insecurity. i got a few emails from people who could relate as well. anyway, it's been several months, i think and just in the last month i've noticed how i truly couldn't care less about what people think anymore when we're out. granted, i'm not a publicly affectionate person, but even just sitting outside at a restaurant made me insecure.
not anymore. i think this blog makes me feel different. once i put myself out there and i get to hear feedback-good and bad, it gives me some perspective and subtly changes my outlook.
sometimes the emails sting though. and that helps too.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
preferences
'You have a strong preference for white [people] over black [people].'
that was the result i got from taking the IAT test, which was featured on Oprah last week. it's a test to show you how you REALLY feel beneath all your layers about certain people.
so it told me i prefer white over black. i honestly don't see how i wouldn't subconsciously prefer white people, having grown up in portland. white people all around was always my environment. when i was a kid, i fit right in. as far as i was concerned, i was just like them.
it doesn't mean i don't like being black. i definitely do.
whatevs.
that was the result i got from taking the IAT test, which was featured on Oprah last week. it's a test to show you how you REALLY feel beneath all your layers about certain people.
so it told me i prefer white over black. i honestly don't see how i wouldn't subconsciously prefer white people, having grown up in portland. white people all around was always my environment. when i was a kid, i fit right in. as far as i was concerned, i was just like them.
it doesn't mean i don't like being black. i definitely do.
whatevs.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
bandwagon
i've finally decided to get on the GREEN bandwagon. it took me forever to get on. i'm not even sure what it was that made me finally get into gear with it. for the past couple of years, i recycled, but it was sporadic. i only really did it when i felt like it, or if something was too bulky or awkward to fit into my garbage can. and i haven't gotten all fanatic about it, but i am making a conscious effort now to recycle.
i used to associate being environmentally conscious with white granola people. portland used to be sort of known for granolas, although not so much anymore. i never really hear any black people that i know talking about being eco-friendly. and all the friends and parents that i know who are always talking about being enviro-conscious are white. and when you hear about lectures and projects for the environment, it's usually white people. but they're not all so crunchy anymore.
and i know there are plenty of black people who recycle, but i'm really just talking about the people i see who are on a mission to take care of the environment. now i'm thinking it's just the Pacific NW "air" that has got me so gung-ho. one of my brothers lives in virginia, and i wonder if anyone there even knows what the word recycle means. according to him, NOONE there recycles.
for me though, it just seems like common sense. i have to admit though, saving the rain water in bins in my backyard and later using that to water plants was a money-saving issue first. and then, oh yeah. it helps the environment too. why not?
i used to associate being environmentally conscious with white granola people. portland used to be sort of known for granolas, although not so much anymore. i never really hear any black people that i know talking about being eco-friendly. and all the friends and parents that i know who are always talking about being enviro-conscious are white. and when you hear about lectures and projects for the environment, it's usually white people. but they're not all so crunchy anymore.
and i know there are plenty of black people who recycle, but i'm really just talking about the people i see who are on a mission to take care of the environment. now i'm thinking it's just the Pacific NW "air" that has got me so gung-ho. one of my brothers lives in virginia, and i wonder if anyone there even knows what the word recycle means. according to him, NOONE there recycles.
for me though, it just seems like common sense. i have to admit though, saving the rain water in bins in my backyard and later using that to water plants was a money-saving issue first. and then, oh yeah. it helps the environment too. why not?
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
alberta street
today i happened to be driving over on alberta street, you know, the new Alberta Arts district? i get thrown for a loop everytime i go over there now. it used to be (not that many years ago, pre-gentrification) that all you'd see was black faces.
so it's kinda weird to see so many white faces at the bus stops, walking, and sitting out at the restaurants without a scared look on their face. but then, why should they be scared anymore-most of the so-called scary black people are gone.
10 years ago you probably couldn't pay a white person to hang out over there, let alone live in that neighborhood. now they claim it like it's gold. but, what's new when it comes to people with money (thus power). when they find something they like, they take it over, to hell with anyone else.
so it's kinda weird to see so many white faces at the bus stops, walking, and sitting out at the restaurants without a scared look on their face. but then, why should they be scared anymore-most of the so-called scary black people are gone.
10 years ago you probably couldn't pay a white person to hang out over there, let alone live in that neighborhood. now they claim it like it's gold. but, what's new when it comes to people with money (thus power). when they find something they like, they take it over, to hell with anyone else.
Friday, April 20, 2007
reverse psychology
i watched an old episode of "The Sopranos" last night on A&E. carmela said something to tony that made me think a little deeper about my last post. their young daughter was starting to date a half jewish and half black boy and tony had a fit. carmela told tony that the more he made a stink about it, the more he would push his daughter right into the young boy's arms.
couple of things. i had this conversation with my dentist, whose wife is black. he started dating black women because he came from a hick town with no black people and his mother was always bad talking black people in front of him. that created a natural curiosity about black people. were they really as bad as he had been led to believe? and then, BAM. he fell in love with one. the same type of thing happened with my husband. and in high school, i distinctly remember "play" dating a white boy, and when it seemed to get "serious", his friend told me that his father was totally racist. this white boy that i was hanging out with was always dating black girls. go figure.
i've seen that a lot though. so it made me think of my conversation with my son's schoolmate's mom. i mean, what better way to insure your kids don't marry someone of a different race (if one is so inclined) than to put them into a school with lots and lots of diversity. i guess it's kinda reverse psychology. i mean, if a kid goes to a school with lots of people unlike himself, he's unlikely to be so curious and seek them out. they wont seem so interesting.
i've thought about this with my son. i think i blogged about it before, when i was toying with the idea of putting him into private schools way out somewhere, outside the close-in city. i decided against it for now, because of all the black boys that i knew of growing up whose parents decided to either live someplace like lakeoswego or beaverton, or to send them to school way out, they had a hard time. the thing was, the black boys had a great time in school until the typical teenage years when lots of boys, even white boys want to listen to rap and hiphop and be cool. but the black boys, they didn't quite know how to act and felt like they were missing out on being "black" in the hood. so they'd start coming over to NE portland, hanging out with the WRONG crowd, but not seeming to know the difference. i guess they figured when they hung out with a thug, that was just "being black".
anyway, long story short, those black boys, the ones whose parents had made such painstaking efforts to keep them away from the hood, were the ones who got into serious trouble. so with my son, i figure, he will be raised in a stable home, read books, have both parents around, etc, etc. even in his class now there are kids who don't come from the most stable home.
as he gets older and sees drug activity and bad behavior, etc., hopefully it wont seem so exciting or intriguing to him.
couple of things. i had this conversation with my dentist, whose wife is black. he started dating black women because he came from a hick town with no black people and his mother was always bad talking black people in front of him. that created a natural curiosity about black people. were they really as bad as he had been led to believe? and then, BAM. he fell in love with one. the same type of thing happened with my husband. and in high school, i distinctly remember "play" dating a white boy, and when it seemed to get "serious", his friend told me that his father was totally racist. this white boy that i was hanging out with was always dating black girls. go figure.
i've seen that a lot though. so it made me think of my conversation with my son's schoolmate's mom. i mean, what better way to insure your kids don't marry someone of a different race (if one is so inclined) than to put them into a school with lots and lots of diversity. i guess it's kinda reverse psychology. i mean, if a kid goes to a school with lots of people unlike himself, he's unlikely to be so curious and seek them out. they wont seem so interesting.
i've thought about this with my son. i think i blogged about it before, when i was toying with the idea of putting him into private schools way out somewhere, outside the close-in city. i decided against it for now, because of all the black boys that i knew of growing up whose parents decided to either live someplace like lakeoswego or beaverton, or to send them to school way out, they had a hard time. the thing was, the black boys had a great time in school until the typical teenage years when lots of boys, even white boys want to listen to rap and hiphop and be cool. but the black boys, they didn't quite know how to act and felt like they were missing out on being "black" in the hood. so they'd start coming over to NE portland, hanging out with the WRONG crowd, but not seeming to know the difference. i guess they figured when they hung out with a thug, that was just "being black".
anyway, long story short, those black boys, the ones whose parents had made such painstaking efforts to keep them away from the hood, were the ones who got into serious trouble. so with my son, i figure, he will be raised in a stable home, read books, have both parents around, etc, etc. even in his class now there are kids who don't come from the most stable home.
as he gets older and sees drug activity and bad behavior, etc., hopefully it wont seem so exciting or intriguing to him.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
coolness
i took my son to his schoolfriend's home today to play. they are a nice, white family, and they recently moved here from idaho. they haven't had a lot of time around other cultures until the last couple years. they think it's "neat" to be in such a diverse school. really? they think we are we all that NEAT? interesting.
we sat in her kitchen talking about the state of portland schools and what our plans for the kids next year might be. she told me about a conversation with a neighbor, who was proudly putting her kids into catlin gabel (a very, very, very white private school in beaverton) next year.
leslie (the woman whose house i was at), told me how she, in sort of a bragging way, told the other neighbor that she LOVED the diverse school that her child attends now, and how her kid was like only 1 of 3 white students in 20. she was bragging! i was impressed but kind of shocked. shocked that someone white would think it was "cool" to have their kid be the minority.
we sat in her kitchen talking about the state of portland schools and what our plans for the kids next year might be. she told me about a conversation with a neighbor, who was proudly putting her kids into catlin gabel (a very, very, very white private school in beaverton) next year.
leslie (the woman whose house i was at), told me how she, in sort of a bragging way, told the other neighbor that she LOVED the diverse school that her child attends now, and how her kid was like only 1 of 3 white students in 20. she was bragging! i was impressed but kind of shocked. shocked that someone white would think it was "cool" to have their kid be the minority.
Monday, April 16, 2007
bucket
when i go to work, i usually leave our main car at home for my husband. we work opposite hours so i leave him with the carseats and the big comfy ride for our kids. our second vehicle,a 13 year old car was a nice, older looking car until about 4 months ago. the husband was rushing home from work and sideswiped it on a pole coming out of his parking garage. it looks like crap now.
since we own it outright and only carry liability insurance on it, we left it that way. we both agreed that we didn't want to put $500 into it because of it's age. but now, i am so embarrased to be seen driving it. i haven't felt that way since i was in middle school going through the "embarrased-by-what-my-parents-drove" phase. in my 19 years of driving, i have never driven a "bucket". i know it's only our back-up commuter, but still. it is NO indication of where we live, our credit (we have perfect credit) or how irresponsible we might be. now, when i drive it to work, i park way far away so that other co-workers don't see it, or see me get out of it. there goes my "image".
when i'm driving it though, i feel so humbled. all the times that i saw someone driving a crappy, beat-up old car, and unwittingly made assumptions about their bad credit, no job, or irresponsibility, it has come back to bite me in the ass. i see people looking at my car, and i know they're probably thinking the same things i think of when i see people driving cars like mine. i don't even come close to what i probably look like driving that car.
look at that black girl in that bucket. she's probably on welfare with 5 kids and no husband and no car insurance. things are just not what they seem. i'm still learning to try and remember that.
since we own it outright and only carry liability insurance on it, we left it that way. we both agreed that we didn't want to put $500 into it because of it's age. but now, i am so embarrased to be seen driving it. i haven't felt that way since i was in middle school going through the "embarrased-by-what-my-parents-drove" phase. in my 19 years of driving, i have never driven a "bucket". i know it's only our back-up commuter, but still. it is NO indication of where we live, our credit (we have perfect credit) or how irresponsible we might be. now, when i drive it to work, i park way far away so that other co-workers don't see it, or see me get out of it. there goes my "image".
when i'm driving it though, i feel so humbled. all the times that i saw someone driving a crappy, beat-up old car, and unwittingly made assumptions about their bad credit, no job, or irresponsibility, it has come back to bite me in the ass. i see people looking at my car, and i know they're probably thinking the same things i think of when i see people driving cars like mine. i don't even come close to what i probably look like driving that car.
look at that black girl in that bucket. she's probably on welfare with 5 kids and no husband and no car insurance. things are just not what they seem. i'm still learning to try and remember that.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
the ethnic section
i should clarify. i have to say that when i wrote this post, i forget that people who dont live in portland also read this blog.
when i said that i didnt want to give my money to people who blatantly dislike black people, i should have said specifically THOSE STORE OWNERS. any black person in PORTLAND who has ever gone to the store Living Color knows EXACTLY what i'm talking about. i SINCERELY was not saying that all koreans don't like black people.
i had to go buy hair products today. actually, the one thing i wanted was some stuff to protect my hair when i use the flat iron. it's some spray stuff. here in portland, there are a few places to shop for black hair stuff, but i always feel like i'm going out of my way to get it. like, i can't just run up to the safeway near my house and get what i need. why is that?
i mean, i know that black people only account for about 7 percent of the population in portland, but that's still a chunk of black people who need hair products. i stopped going to the korean-owned stores several years ago. they have EVERYTHING in their stores, but i absolutely refuse to give my money to them. they have no customer service skills whatsoever (and don't care to ) and they're rude. there's no way i'm giving my money to people who blatantly dislike black people. why would i want to deepen their pockets? i know lots of black people go there, but whatever. that's on them.
so usually, unless i'm near a sally's beauty store, i go to fred meyer or target. fred meyer has a teeny, tiny section labeled "ethnic". and there are about 4 or 5 things- grease, pomade, relaxers and sheen sprays. NEWSFLASH: there's more to black hair care than grease and relaxers! i guess they figure that's the only thing we do to our hair-slap some grease on it and go. there's a limited amount of shampoo and conditioner. shampoo's not such a big deal- basically soap is soap (but hey, it would be nice to have some selection), but conditioner is made different for people of color. it has more moisturizers in it.
target was even worse. they've progressively decreased their supply. maybe it's that black people aren't buying those products there and that's why they've decreased it? or maybe black people don't buy black hair product there since they only carry the "token" products. catch-22.
all i know is, it's irritating. like, as far as our hair goes we're deduced down to a fraction of a shelf? there are a gazillion black products to be sold. i know they can't carry the whole inventory like Mid-K or Living Color or Sally's but come on. it's ridiculous.
when i said that i didnt want to give my money to people who blatantly dislike black people, i should have said specifically THOSE STORE OWNERS. any black person in PORTLAND who has ever gone to the store Living Color knows EXACTLY what i'm talking about. i SINCERELY was not saying that all koreans don't like black people.
i had to go buy hair products today. actually, the one thing i wanted was some stuff to protect my hair when i use the flat iron. it's some spray stuff. here in portland, there are a few places to shop for black hair stuff, but i always feel like i'm going out of my way to get it. like, i can't just run up to the safeway near my house and get what i need. why is that?
i mean, i know that black people only account for about 7 percent of the population in portland, but that's still a chunk of black people who need hair products. i stopped going to the korean-owned stores several years ago. they have EVERYTHING in their stores, but i absolutely refuse to give my money to them. they have no customer service skills whatsoever (and don't care to ) and they're rude. there's no way i'm giving my money to people who blatantly dislike black people. why would i want to deepen their pockets? i know lots of black people go there, but whatever. that's on them.
so usually, unless i'm near a sally's beauty store, i go to fred meyer or target. fred meyer has a teeny, tiny section labeled "ethnic". and there are about 4 or 5 things- grease, pomade, relaxers and sheen sprays. NEWSFLASH: there's more to black hair care than grease and relaxers! i guess they figure that's the only thing we do to our hair-slap some grease on it and go. there's a limited amount of shampoo and conditioner. shampoo's not such a big deal- basically soap is soap (but hey, it would be nice to have some selection), but conditioner is made different for people of color. it has more moisturizers in it.
target was even worse. they've progressively decreased their supply. maybe it's that black people aren't buying those products there and that's why they've decreased it? or maybe black people don't buy black hair product there since they only carry the "token" products. catch-22.
all i know is, it's irritating. like, as far as our hair goes we're deduced down to a fraction of a shelf? there are a gazillion black products to be sold. i know they can't carry the whole inventory like Mid-K or Living Color or Sally's but come on. it's ridiculous.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
culture
let me preface this post by saying that 99 percent of the time when it sounds like I'm dogging on my race, my intent is really to say, come on, black people. get it together. Lets change our image. Lets not be the ones who are supposedly bringing the neighborhood down. let's stop being the men from taking up so much prison space.
just bec i'm black doesn't mean i have to accept, like, agree with and embrace all of the black AMERICAN culture. people call me bougy (more on that later). can't i still be black without loving all of the black pop culture? the hip hop culture, seems to be only the American way to be black. Africans or black people around the world don't necessarily subscribe to the hip-hop culture the way so many black americans do.
i just had a conversation with my oldest of 4 brothers who lives in los angeles. surprisingly (although not terribly surprising), he mentioned some new neighbors who moved in to his apt complex next door. They are black. he couldn't really tell a whole lot except for he saw a few black guys with cornrows, baggy pants and oversized white t-shirts. my brother, sort of jokingly said, "How'd they get into this nice complex??". He wasn't saying that black people should not or could not be there, because obviously my brother lives there. but why do they have to LOOK like that? why do these guys INSIST on causing themselves to not be taken seriously? my brother was honestly concerned about whether they would bring down the complex.
the same thugs you see on the news committing crimes and whatnot are the ones dressed like that. so why do so many young black men (who may be decent guys) choose to look like that? i've seen that style of dress on black guys all over portland. no wonder white people are afraid of them. no wonder they can't get past the negative stereotypes.
i will NEVER allow my boys to dress like that. but, the way that my husband and i raise them, they probably wont even want to dress like that. my brother and i decided on a theory that the generation Xers who were raised in undesirable environment don't know anything different and are now raising their kids the same way. how can those parents do any better, when they're part of the problem. clothes don't make the man BUT clothes do un-make the man.
one day, i made it a point to observe the black men i saw around portland. probably 75 percent of all the black men I saw looked kinda scary. i'm sorry, but it's true. and i should point out that i'm mainly talking about the the generation Xers. Not that I'd be scared (because i know lots of black guys and they're great people). but i can understand why just the appearance of many of them would put someone who's not around black people on edge a little bit. take out the cornrows ( i think it's fine for black women, but black men??? it's just ghetto. what's wrong with a nice cut?). put on some pants that fit. take off the do-rag. stop dressing like the rap stars.
rap. it's negative and needs to be banned. people dress like the music they listen to. have you noticed? is there anything positive about rap? i'd like to know. the lyrics are filthy, the rappers promote the degradation of women, selling drugs, not working, not being family oriented BUT having multiple kids without being married, and the most important--having THINGS like escalades and shoes and watches and chains and gold teeth. what happened to promoting reading? working (honestly), education? marriage?
and this is what so many young black people aspire to be. sad. i dislike being associated with it. i love my heritage and all that, but i don't subscribe to much of the black pop culture.
just bec i'm black doesn't mean i have to accept, like, agree with and embrace all of the black AMERICAN culture. people call me bougy (more on that later). can't i still be black without loving all of the black pop culture? the hip hop culture, seems to be only the American way to be black. Africans or black people around the world don't necessarily subscribe to the hip-hop culture the way so many black americans do.
i just had a conversation with my oldest of 4 brothers who lives in los angeles. surprisingly (although not terribly surprising), he mentioned some new neighbors who moved in to his apt complex next door. They are black. he couldn't really tell a whole lot except for he saw a few black guys with cornrows, baggy pants and oversized white t-shirts. my brother, sort of jokingly said, "How'd they get into this nice complex??". He wasn't saying that black people should not or could not be there, because obviously my brother lives there. but why do they have to LOOK like that? why do these guys INSIST on causing themselves to not be taken seriously? my brother was honestly concerned about whether they would bring down the complex.
the same thugs you see on the news committing crimes and whatnot are the ones dressed like that. so why do so many young black men (who may be decent guys) choose to look like that? i've seen that style of dress on black guys all over portland. no wonder white people are afraid of them. no wonder they can't get past the negative stereotypes.
i will NEVER allow my boys to dress like that. but, the way that my husband and i raise them, they probably wont even want to dress like that. my brother and i decided on a theory that the generation Xers who were raised in undesirable environment don't know anything different and are now raising their kids the same way. how can those parents do any better, when they're part of the problem. clothes don't make the man BUT clothes do un-make the man.
one day, i made it a point to observe the black men i saw around portland. probably 75 percent of all the black men I saw looked kinda scary. i'm sorry, but it's true. and i should point out that i'm mainly talking about the the generation Xers. Not that I'd be scared (because i know lots of black guys and they're great people). but i can understand why just the appearance of many of them would put someone who's not around black people on edge a little bit. take out the cornrows ( i think it's fine for black women, but black men??? it's just ghetto. what's wrong with a nice cut?). put on some pants that fit. take off the do-rag. stop dressing like the rap stars.
rap. it's negative and needs to be banned. people dress like the music they listen to. have you noticed? is there anything positive about rap? i'd like to know. the lyrics are filthy, the rappers promote the degradation of women, selling drugs, not working, not being family oriented BUT having multiple kids without being married, and the most important--having THINGS like escalades and shoes and watches and chains and gold teeth. what happened to promoting reading? working (honestly), education? marriage?
and this is what so many young black people aspire to be. sad. i dislike being associated with it. i love my heritage and all that, but i don't subscribe to much of the black pop culture.
Monday, April 02, 2007
brown
according to my daughter, i am 'kinda brown' and my husband is 'not brown'. it's weird how kids notice and want to verbalize these things at such a young age. i didn't know he was paying any attention to skin color until last summer when we went to a popular kids watering hole in the Pearl district. the other little black kids were running around playing having a great time, and my son came out of the water saying she didn't want to play around the 'brown kids'. i was speechless. she didn't realize that she is brown too. i had a long discussion about it and told her that she was brown too. she didn't think so. i have no idea what that 's about. maybe it was just part of her being three years old.
now, she knows she's brown, but when we talk about it, she acts as if she doesn't really believe it, like she's just going along with whatever i'm telling her. i guess that's normal.
so lately, whens she's talked about my husband- her dad, he really notices that we are not the same skin color. she says that 'daddy is not brown'. and i'm [insert creative unknown adjective]
don't get me wrong. we truly don't have a race issue in our household. i know that there's so many issues behind why i tell my daughter this, and i would probably seem to contradict myself a couple times if i tried to list them.
now, she knows she's brown, but when we talk about it, she acts as if she doesn't really believe it, like she's just going along with whatever i'm telling her. i guess that's normal.
so lately, whens she's talked about my husband- her dad, he really notices that we are not the same skin color. she says that 'daddy is not brown'. and i'm [insert creative unknown adjective]
don't get me wrong. we truly don't have a race issue in our household. i know that there's so many issues behind why i tell my daughter this, and i would probably seem to contradict myself a couple times if i tried to list them.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
buster
monday, one of the only managers in my department was leaving for the day and came to see me. he asked if i would keep an eye on some of the newbies hired recently and make sure they were doing their job. he told me that if any of them were screwing around, i was to tell them to get back to work and then let him know.
i gave a phony smile and said that i would.
yeah right. i'm not like that. i have no desire to be one of those employees. plus i'm not getting paid for that. there are already employees like that at my job who would have been happy to do the duty, but they weren't there that day. i like being friends with everyone at work. it would feel awkard telling my peers to 'get back to work'.
and then i started thinking about how at every job that i've ever had, there's always been a buster. someone who you could count on to run and tell the management if you're slacking, tardy, or screwing around.
the funny thing is, those employees were never black. always white. i've been a favored employee but that's where i draw the line. i've never known black employees to be the ones stepping on others to (try to) get ahead. and i'm not condoning screwing around at work, or not letting someone know when another employee's behavior is seriously affecting your job. i'm just talking about snitching for the sake of snitching. snitching because you just can, when it's not really your business. and i've known plenty more white people who've made others' secular life a lot harder than black employees have. it's just what i've noticed.
i'm not sure if not being a buster is a black thing, or if being a buster is kind of a white thing. i guess it works for them. but i don't think if /when black people do that, they'd have the same results or advantage.
i gave a phony smile and said that i would.
yeah right. i'm not like that. i have no desire to be one of those employees. plus i'm not getting paid for that. there are already employees like that at my job who would have been happy to do the duty, but they weren't there that day. i like being friends with everyone at work. it would feel awkard telling my peers to 'get back to work'.
and then i started thinking about how at every job that i've ever had, there's always been a buster. someone who you could count on to run and tell the management if you're slacking, tardy, or screwing around.
the funny thing is, those employees were never black. always white. i've been a favored employee but that's where i draw the line. i've never known black employees to be the ones stepping on others to (try to) get ahead. and i'm not condoning screwing around at work, or not letting someone know when another employee's behavior is seriously affecting your job. i'm just talking about snitching for the sake of snitching. snitching because you just can, when it's not really your business. and i've known plenty more white people who've made others' secular life a lot harder than black employees have. it's just what i've noticed.
i'm not sure if not being a buster is a black thing, or if being a buster is kind of a white thing. i guess it works for them. but i don't think if /when black people do that, they'd have the same results or advantage.
Friday, March 23, 2007
comparisons
the husband and i were invited over to his co-worker's home for dinner. our kids also used to go to school together. as far as the dinner was concerned, it was something i could take or leave. we have a pretty big social group already, and it's really not that important to me that our son play with their kid or not. but i was motivated to go mainly because i'm curious about people and i wanted to check out where they lived, how nice (or not) their house was, and just how they live in general. i think i was more curious about that than than being invited for dinner. and i have a tendency to take a look at someone and prematurely decide what type of house they probably live in and what type of life they lead. so it's kind of a little game i play with myself to see how wrong or right i was once we get there.
i feel like i need to see how other people live in order to be content with our life, our house, our financial situation. i feel like everyone has more money than we do, but at the same time i suspect our finacial situation appears different to others what it it really is. and i realized that of all our close friends that the husband and i hang out with, i've subconsciously managed to only keep friends that (that i perceive are on )our on our same (perceived) level of housing, finance, education, or LESS. like, i feel okay when i know that i have more of or the same things materially or financially as my friends. but i think i'd be too envious to have close friends that do better than us financially. like, i don't think my ego could handle it.
so, i was waaay wrong about these people. they have a much nicer house/home than what i expected. it didn't phase me, though, because it's a lot like our house. you'd think by now i'd have learned not to judge a book by it's cover. i think maybe that's a personality flaw because i do it all the time. but doesn't everyone?
i feel like i need to see how other people live in order to be content with our life, our house, our financial situation. i feel like everyone has more money than we do, but at the same time i suspect our finacial situation appears different to others what it it really is. and i realized that of all our close friends that the husband and i hang out with, i've subconsciously managed to only keep friends that (that i perceive are on )our on our same (perceived) level of housing, finance, education, or LESS. like, i feel okay when i know that i have more of or the same things materially or financially as my friends. but i think i'd be too envious to have close friends that do better than us financially. like, i don't think my ego could handle it.
so, i was waaay wrong about these people. they have a much nicer house/home than what i expected. it didn't phase me, though, because it's a lot like our house. you'd think by now i'd have learned not to judge a book by it's cover. i think maybe that's a personality flaw because i do it all the time. but doesn't everyone?
Sunday, March 18, 2007
"facts"
friday i went to see an opthamologist at the Casey Eye institute (which by the way is a great place). i have this mild eye condition so i was discussing that with the doctor. he says, "yeah.... for some reason it's really common among blacks". i don't know why the way he said "blacks" instead of "black people" sounded so offensive to me. but it just did. i guess it sounded so formal, like just by him saying "BLACKS" i could tell that he didn't have any black friends. totally.
but how did he know that? is that just some random fact he had been told? some statistic he was told about?
i always cringe when someone on the news says things like these:
"african americans are at high risk for high blood pressure"
"african american women are the highest at risk for HIV"
"african americans are at high risk for diabetes".
i hear that kind of so-called information a lot. and there is never any specific study given or date or by whom it was conducted. the media just tells us all this and we're supposed to go, "oh. okay. that must be true and factual because the news says that some study somewhere was conducted".
are those "studies" accurate? how did they test every single black american to know that we're at high risk for this or that? is it determined by the percentage of black american with insurance that actually go to the doctor? what percentage of black people is that? and i'm not saying that it's not true that black people are at risk for this or that. i'm just saying that there is such a thing called propaganda and you shouldn't just make a statement without providing details.
i actually can't recall someone reporting that whites are at risk for this or that. can you recall it? i always hear about the minorities that are at risk for this or that.
hmmm. white people must be pretty darn healthy and black people must not be.
but how did he know that? is that just some random fact he had been told? some statistic he was told about?
i always cringe when someone on the news says things like these:
"african americans are at high risk for high blood pressure"
"african american women are the highest at risk for HIV"
"african americans are at high risk for diabetes".
i hear that kind of so-called information a lot. and there is never any specific study given or date or by whom it was conducted. the media just tells us all this and we're supposed to go, "oh. okay. that must be true and factual because the news says that some study somewhere was conducted".
are those "studies" accurate? how did they test every single black american to know that we're at high risk for this or that? is it determined by the percentage of black american with insurance that actually go to the doctor? what percentage of black people is that? and i'm not saying that it's not true that black people are at risk for this or that. i'm just saying that there is such a thing called propaganda and you shouldn't just make a statement without providing details.
i actually can't recall someone reporting that whites are at risk for this or that. can you recall it? i always hear about the minorities that are at risk for this or that.
hmmm. white people must be pretty darn healthy and black people must not be.
Friday, March 16, 2007
therapeutic
i don't know why i'm getting bashed so much on this blog. people act like it's a cardinal sin to state my feelings- like the post about the tipping. what's so wrong about saying that i don't LIKE tipping? the fact of the matter was that i DID tip. i don't like paying taxes either, but i do. regardless of all the thoughts in my head that led up to me deciding to leave a tip, i did the right thing.
but who doesn't ever think something less than favorable before acting or saying the opposite? you're lying if you say that you don't. yet when i write what i feel, and not necessarily what i actually did, i get reamed.
i'm past that though. that's why i started this blog in the first place. everyone writes for their readers. everyone puts on the comfortable, ideal, shiny side of themselves into their blog and leaves out the ugly. nobody wants to showcase the ugly and risk peoplethinking knowing they're not perfect or that they don't always think happy thoughts about everyone else.
the upside of this all is how therapeutic writing and getting responses is. of course any blog can get responses. but with regard to race in particular, the responses and emails are amazing usually and let me know i'm not the only one with my feelings...
but who doesn't ever think something less than favorable before acting or saying the opposite? you're lying if you say that you don't. yet when i write what i feel, and not necessarily what i actually did, i get reamed.
i'm past that though. that's why i started this blog in the first place. everyone writes for their readers. everyone puts on the comfortable, ideal, shiny side of themselves into their blog and leaves out the ugly. nobody wants to showcase the ugly and risk people
the upside of this all is how therapeutic writing and getting responses is. of course any blog can get responses. but with regard to race in particular, the responses and emails are amazing usually and let me know i'm not the only one with my feelings...
Monday, March 12, 2007
motivations
i don't always do things with the purest motives sometimes. the husband and i received a gift certificate from someone we did business with for a restaurant we had never been to, Saylers Old country kitchen. since it's not a restaurant we had heard much about, we thought we'd save it for when we were really broke.
so this past weekend, we were pretty broke. i looked at their online menu and decided that maybe it wasn't that bad of a restaurant. we spent 50 dollars on dinner which the gift certificate covered. as i said, we were pretty broke and it would have been a totally FREE meal except for then we had to leave a tip. or did we? of course we had to. the husband didn't think much tip was necessary. he doesn't care what anyone thinks.
at this point, it was (to me) only about what people think, since i didn't really care about paying the server's salary. she was a good server and all, no complaints here, but it's not like she buttered my french bread for me.
i determined that our tip should be about 10 bucks. we could afford that. but i just didn't really want to. i don't believe inpaying the salary of someone i don't know for work that they choose to get paid hourly to do, especially when they don't exceed my expectations tipping so much.
my ONLY motivator for leaving a good tip was the fact that we are an interracial couple and she probably expected us to NOT leave a tip. i was only trying to make it easier for the next black or interracial couple. other than that, if i had been white, i probably wouldn't have tipped or maybe just not so much.
so this past weekend, we were pretty broke. i looked at their online menu and decided that maybe it wasn't that bad of a restaurant. we spent 50 dollars on dinner which the gift certificate covered. as i said, we were pretty broke and it would have been a totally FREE meal except for then we had to leave a tip. or did we? of course we had to. the husband didn't think much tip was necessary. he doesn't care what anyone thinks.
at this point, it was (to me) only about what people think, since i didn't really care about paying the server's salary. she was a good server and all, no complaints here, but it's not like she buttered my french bread for me.
i determined that our tip should be about 10 bucks. we could afford that. but i just didn't really want to. i don't believe in
my ONLY motivator for leaving a good tip was the fact that we are an interracial couple and she probably expected us to NOT leave a tip. i was only trying to make it easier for the next black or interracial couple. other than that, if i had been white, i probably wouldn't have tipped or maybe just not so much.
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