Sunday, August 19, 2007


a few years ago my husband and i were in a certain social circle of friends. many of them were shallow couples and singles who always seemed in competition with us-materially, career-wise, financially. it was miserable and unhealthy, so we just stopped hanging out with them altogether. it's been a nice few years away from them.

recently we've been sort of reunited with a few of them inadvertently by newer mutual friends and i feel the uneasiness setting in. are they still the same shallow individuals? i've changed for the better since i last spent time with them-have they?

even though i'm not real excited about being reunited into this social circle of friends, i still find myself asking about certain individuals to their friends. have you been to their home lately? have they remodeled it since----? are they still driving the BMW? have they vacationed? etc.,

i truly feel that i've grown as a person since the last time i hung around these other couples-especially since having my kids. yet just knowing that they will be at certain places at the same time we are, brings out all my old shallow ways. i can't help myself from inquiring about them and their homes and lives. it's like i'm a glutton for punishment, since i don't really want to know the answers to my questions.

i mean, do i really want to know if they've remodeled their house? or if they got a nicer car? or if they bought a new house? the answer is no. so why must i ask? so that i can start feeling insecure and inadequate all over again like before? and start feeling sorry for myself that we haven't been able to afford to remodel or trade up to a bigger house?

the funny thing is, i can "step outside the box" and see things for what they are. i know that money doesn't necessarily bring happiness, that a bigger house means bigger payments, and that true friends don't care if my home is totally remodeled. but still, i struggle with this.

Friday, August 17, 2007


i'm not sure what the point of being linked to from another blog of someone who has such disdain for me. it's kind of like a backhanded compliment. but whatever. it's kind of like the "ugh! taste this!!!" thing.

i read all the emails i get , but usually don't respond because i don't want to get attached to readers. meaning, if i correspond with someone by email, i'm afraid it will change my candidness.

i guess it's just the type of person i am. i want to write truly what i feel about things, and if i start being too concerned what "this person" or "that person" thinks, it will ruin my blog.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007


yesterday at work, one of my managers came to me and asked that i participate in online "diversity training". some sort of online training (obviously protect the company from lawsuits somehow, i'm sure) to learn how to be diverse.

i looked at this guy and said jokingly, "seriously. can i get a pass for this? i think i'm as diverse as it gets". he kind of chuckled and rolled his eyes.

is this some type of politically correct thing we're doing now? i mean, sure, i'm all for diversity, but you can't tell me that some racist with narrow viewpoints will do a thirty-minute online training and do a 360.

plus the fact that it should really only be directed at white employees. of course, they would never go for that...

Monday, August 06, 2007


the company that i work for is doing cutbacks. well, they've actually laid off 4 people recently. and whats interesting is that 3 of the 4 people were at retirement age. that sucks. but one of the people was someone i worked with pretty closely.

so after she found out that she had gotten the axe, she told me that this could happen anywhere and i should always have my resume ready, and that i should take care of myself (career-wise), because no one else would.

my first thought was, but i'm young. you're not. and then i thought: who's more desirable in the job market--a fifty something-year-old woman, or a 30 something-year-old BLACK woman? if i competed in a job interview against a fifty or 60 year old woman (assuming we had the same education and/or experience), i wonder who's the more desirable one. i know black women are hired all the time, i just wonder if black women and retirement-age white women are equals in that sense.