i'm ashamed to even admit this. i know that i would never, ever, EVER utter what i'm about to say to another living soul. but the original point behind why i started this blog was to talk about those exact things. i don't know you (readers), and you don't know me. so somehow i feel okay to blog about it.
for the past couple of weeks i've been taking my girls to swimming lessons. the pool we go to, unfortunately is lacking in the number of black patrons . however, there are two other black parents there with their children for swimming lessons at the same time we're there.
first let me say that i hate the relationship that WE (black women) have with each other. i notice white women will strike up a conversation with one another white woman whom they've never met all the time. they are so unguarded. unthreatened. they've even struck up conversations with me without knowing who i am. but other black women? forget about it. it's as if we feel threatened by each other. we can't just say hi and strike up a conversation. it's weird. like we have something to prove. especially darker skinned black women (IN MY EXPERIENCE!!)- i don't know if they feel threatened talking to someone who is light skinned, or what?
last summer while taking my kids to library storytimes, another mom who happened to be mixed and married to a white man befriended me out of the blue and offered to do things with our kids together. the only other black parent who struck a conversation up with me without knowing me was also a light skinned black woman married to a white man. but i digress.
so i've been at swimming lessons this past week with another black woman who is dark skinned who has children swimming and we've sat right next to each other without her saying a word. maybe i'm intimidating. or maybe she just couldn't care less about having a conversation with a stranger. but i find that kind of hard to believe.
so, i've been in this mind frame that it's okay that she doesn't say a friendly hello or smile because- well... look at my children. look at my mixed, very fair-skinned girls (with an OBVIOUSLY white dad). i must be slightly better in some way----well, that's what i'd want her to think. so what that she makes me feel sad (for lack of a better word), or disappointed by not being friendly. it's okay, because, look what i have.
i obviously have the dream, i must have what you probably want, right? because i'm married to a white man, which you can clearly see by the way my children look.
it's horrible and i know it. what's funny is that i had this kind of "attitude" subconsciously up until today when i started thinking about the fact that i sit near her almost everyday without so much as a hello. and then i suddenly realized it about myself. i know i've been doing this at other times and places, too.
i know, i'm just perpetuating the whole black women and friendships thing- i know.......