Friday, July 27, 2007

trophy

i'm ashamed to even admit this. i know that i would never, ever, EVER utter what i'm about to say to another living soul. but the original point behind why i started this blog was to talk about those exact things. i don't know you (readers), and you don't know me. so somehow i feel okay to blog about it.

for the past couple of weeks i've been taking my girls to swimming lessons. the pool we go to, unfortunately is lacking in the number of black patrons . however, there are two other black parents there with their children for swimming lessons at the same time we're there.

first let me say that i hate the relationship that WE (black women) have with each other. i notice white women will strike up a conversation with one another white woman whom they've never met all the time. they are so unguarded. unthreatened. they've even struck up conversations with me without knowing who i am. but other black women? forget about it. it's as if we feel threatened by each other. we can't just say hi and strike up a conversation. it's weird. like we have something to prove. especially darker skinned black women (IN MY EXPERIENCE!!)- i don't know if they feel threatened talking to someone who is light skinned, or what?

last summer while taking my kids to library storytimes, another mom who happened to be mixed and married to a white man befriended me out of the blue and offered to do things with our kids together. the only other black parent who struck a conversation up with me without knowing me was also a light skinned black woman married to a white man. but i digress.

so i've been at swimming lessons this past week with another black woman who is dark skinned who has children swimming and we've sat right next to each other without her saying a word. maybe i'm intimidating. or maybe she just couldn't care less about having a conversation with a stranger. but i find that kind of hard to believe.

so, i've been in this mind frame that it's okay that she doesn't say a friendly hello or smile because- well... look at my children. look at my mixed, very fair-skinned girls (with an OBVIOUSLY white dad). i must be slightly better in some way----well, that's what i'd want her to think. so what that she makes me feel sad (for lack of a better word), or disappointed by not being friendly. it's okay, because, look what i have.

i obviously have the dream, i must have what you probably want, right? because i'm married to a white man, which you can clearly see by the way my children look.

it's horrible and i know it. what's funny is that i had this kind of "attitude" subconsciously up until today when i started thinking about the fact that i sit near her almost everyday without so much as a hello. and then i suddenly realized it about myself. i know i've been doing this at other times and places, too.

i know, i'm just perpetuating the whole black women and friendships thing- i know.......

55 comments:

Aly Cat 121 said...

Girl do you need to go on "Dr. Phil" or "Oprah"? Chile, you a hot mess. Well I think you just answered you're own question as to why the "dark" lady won't talk to you. If you "thinking" that you're better, you're more than likely puttin out those kinds of vibes. Shoot, ol' gurl is probably thinkin the exact same thing about you.

It's all about who you truly are inside love. And honestly I can say from my own experience I've not had the "what's wrong with black women hatin" cuz I don't carry that kind of energy. Folks could "not like" me but I've never noticed cuz I'm too busy laughin and smiling and talkin to folks. Who can resist a friendly smile?

Do you really think you're a "trophy" cuz you married a white guy? Is he "Blue blood", "old money", an "heir"? Honey if you're gonna be a "trophy" you may need to "re-up". *chuckle to self*

Anonymous said...

What is interesting about self - centered people - you know you're one TBG - most of your blog is about YOU, how YOU feel about things/relate to people/what folks are thinking about YOU/how YOU come across, etc. Yes I know you are blogging about your own personal journey BUT there is a big difference between simply sharing your thoughts and only ever seeing one side of things - that which affects you in some way. As I was saying - the most relaxed, friendly, popular people are those who are NOT focused on themselves, instead are focused on OTHERS, enjoy people and are curious about people - in a good way. Now I'm not saying go out and attempt to win the Ms congeniality contest but if you actually stopped thinking about yourself for 2 minutes you might find that most people will relate to you in a completely new and good way.
White people have the ability to reach out very easily to others - it's called the white privilege and it's the confident assumption that they will be accepted wherever they go and that people will be courteous - now this may not be the case for ALL whites but a white middle-class female will definitely be among those who enjoy this benefit. On the other hand, many blacks have a different experience of life - judged and condemnend by society, stereotyped, unsure if they will receive kindness, cordiality or respect - so many are rightly cautious. Again this might not be true of ALL black people. Now regarding this bw at the pool - maybe she's getting "I'm so superior" vibes off you, maybe she's thinking "okay this might be a fellow bw but she's married to a wm so I'm not sure we can relate to each other/she might be one of those self hating blacks who try to distance themselves from other blacks"...
The only way to deal with this is - say hi to people, strike up a relaxed conversation, smile. Reach out. You might just be pleasantly surprised because a lot of asumptions we have about others are merely that - assumptions. Nine times out of ten the reality is different from what he imagined - then we wonder why we were so worked up or negative in the first instance! In my experience many human beings want the same things - to be accepted, included. You cannot control what people think or do but you can certainly control what YOU think and do.
About the skin issue - we all know the history behind colorism among AA and the fact that it is sadly alive and well today. Who knows what this lady may have experienced from other light-skinned "sistas" or black men?
She may not neccessarily be someone you could get along with but you will never know if you don't reach out - instead of imagining all kinds of unproven theories. So why not take the plunge, dive into to pool of life and stop merely existing on the fringes, get out there, embrace life in all it's ups and downs, disappointments and joys. LIVE!

Anonymous said...

Why don't you smile or say hi to her? I am a little confused. Do you WANT to be friends with her but are afraid she thinks you're snobby? If that's the case why don't you make the first move? I think I'm missing something.

Anonymous said...

...and another thing. Only terribly insecure people try to make themselves feel better by going down the "look what I've got taht YOU have'nt therefore I must be better/happier than you" route...

Anonymous said...

So marriage to a white man is "the dream"? Sad.

Anonymous said...

I think it takes someone incredibly brave to talk about the truth of what they're feeling and post it on a blog. There's no way I'm going to preach at you about how you should act. You're obviously a lot more in touch with your feelings and contradictions than a lot of people are. I'm a white person who has prejudice (I should be standing up in an AA meeting :) - though I'd much rather think that I'm enlightened and without bias. Thanks very much for posting your thoughts. I appreciate seeing things from another perspective.

GoldenAh said...

Your story reminds me of when I was at a health club and another black woman used the locker room at the same time. That "vibe" or coldness you talk about wouldn't go away: she was ultra friendly to the whites, but I was invisible. I'm brown she was darker, but I didn't see it as complexion issue.

I tried to be friendly with the woman - said hello. She responded, but never made eye contact and acted hinky. Oh well, after a while I didn't bother myself.

Sometimes we are threatened by each other. She wanted to be favored by the white regulars, I wanted to work out. I shrugged it off.

If you ladies are ignoring each other, and avoiding eye contact after all these weeks - I'm not sure if a relationship could blossom. But I've made friends with women I disliked at first. Funnier things have happened.

The Letter K said...

Wow, this is just sad.

You say the dark skinned black woman wouldn't talk to you--but you obviously didn't feel the need to strike up a conversation with HER, either...did you?

I mean, you think having these fair skinned sons is so...what? I don't get it. Maybe she has just been having a hard time at work. Maybe she has medical issues that you're unaware of...

Or maybe she's just a bitch--independent of your kids and their white dad.

Think about it.

Anonymous said...

There is NOTHING brave about secretly or anonymously expressing how you really feel about your fellow human beings in a place where noone knows you and there can be no repercussions.
Brave is speaking out on an issue you feel strongly about openly among people who know who you are; brave is fighting cancer/life-threatening illness; brave is people who volunteer in war zones, AIDS hospitals or any part of the world where there is conflict, poverty or suffering; brave is parents who struggle with an invalid child; brave is the people in war-torn places who have lost everything and can barely eat; brave is the little girl or boy who is bullied at school but carries on nonetheless; brave is so much more than I could possibly state here...
TBG chooses to post anonymously and that is her prerogative...BUT.. it is not bravery.

The Letter K said...

Oh, and I agree with anonymous...

And I think it's SICK that you think you have the dream (a white man and biracial kids) but you try to displace your OBVIOUSLY disturbed viewpoint on a black woman who's just trying to see her kids swim.

Shame on you.

Anonymous said...

LMAO, wow this TRUE comedy at its best! I am one of 3 dark skinned girls in a group of 6 friends. The other three are light and there are NO problems between us. We are all happily married to GOOD, BLACK christian men and have beautiful children. We are living the dream.

Anonymous said...

Well don't be surprised when it's time for your sons to start dating and they will think that girls that look like mommy aren't good enough.

The Letter K said...

She probably wants that---I mean, she's living the dream, right?

I feel sorry for your kids---you may not realize this, but your feelings toward black women and men will be noticed by your kids--you said so yourself your little boy didn't want to play with the "brown kids". Why is that?

I think you need help--and not "I'm using blogger and this is self therapy" type of help--I mean a real focus group for black women in IR relationships, or black women in general to help you come to terms with how you feel about yourself, and blackness in general. If not for yourself, for your kids.

I also wonder what your husband would think of what you say about him---how you've basically introduced him as a fetish to the rest of the blogging community. How you're ashamed to tell people what he does. How you're ashamed to tell black people he has no money...

I think it's sad that you talk about black people all the time, but your husband never even graduated from college. Tsk, tsk, that you can be so judgemental of people, but hide the fact that you're ashamed of your high school graduate husband.

Again, you need help---real help.

Anonymous said...

well, i can be really narrow minded too so don't feel too horrible. i'm kind of wondering why you're waiting for her to say hi, though. like, why don't you say hello. how are you doing. my name is.... are you afraid of other black women or something? why should they address you first? i've been reading your blog for a while and sometimes it seems like you want to be black when you're around white people and show how exotic and unique you are and then when you're around black people you want to be "the different one" and you want to say, "I'm not like all you other black people, I'm special...see white people like me. You're black. It's okay. and black is not bad.
I also kind of wonder why you married your husband. If he were black, but had the same background and personality would you have married him?

fakeo nameo said...

I went to a block party in Portland last night in a mixed neighborhood, well not that mixed. Almost all white, a few blacks and no asians or hispanics in view. There were two black men that mixed with the crowd and talked in a friendly way to everybody. The black women talked to other black women and a few white friends that the seemed to have known before the party. A few of the white men and women went around trying to meet other people but most didn't. I think it has more to do with personality than skin color

jasmine said...

Why does SHE have to be the one who says "hi" first? why can't YOU be the one who says it first? do you not know how to take the initiative? maybe she's shy? if you want to talk to her so badly WHY can't YOU just do it? you think about things a little too hard.

you also seem to be giving off a vibe that would make people not want to talk to you.

it's ok to blog about this. it's fine to have faults and everything. you're human and humans have faults. :)

HOWEVER, now that you've realized what's going on why don't you do something to change it? things won't change just because you think about them, but things have a greater possibly of changing if you actually DO SOMETHING about it!

good luck!

Just Me ! said...

I'm gonna go out on a limb her.. I dont think that you actually think you are better than she is or any other dark skin woman.. because if you truly did think that you wouldnt care is she spoke to you or not ....as a matter of fact you wouldnt want her to speak to you ..

I think you feel isolated from you black sisters because of the choices you made to marry a white man .. Now I dont care who you marry - if thats ur choice and it makes you happy - hey have fun..

But the moment you start saying you think ur better etc etc..it becomes obvious that you feel that white is better and that by attaching yourself to a white man and bearing his children has made you better - which in turn means you dont think "black" is good enough which means you in turn most likely give off that vibe..

While reading this I kept saying to myself - well why hasnt she said hello ? Im sure you made it clear to those other women that said hello to you that you were open to it - you probably made eye contact, smiled etc..

Either way - i think you need to check yourself and your feelings about what the "dream" consists of ..

and another question I have for you ,,how would you feel if your sons brought home a dark skin very ethnic woman ??

Cupcake Anderson said...

Marrying a white guy is "living the dream"? Also I'm not really sure I understand what the problem is? the fact that she's dark or the fact that she's dark and won't talk to you.

Your journal is strange. It seems filled with so much self-hatred. I don't know you and I hope it's not true, but damn, woman.

Anonymous said...

how are you living the dream if you are married to a man without a college eduation or a job that you are proud of? you live in a less than savory neighborhood and can't afford to send your children to the best schools?
i've been reading your blog because i too am an african american female in a relationship with a white male and thought i would find some common ground with you. i thought wrong, but i will continue reading because your warped views intrigue me.

the black sentinel said...

I agree with a couple of other posts here, I am wondering why you never spoke to her. Or was it important to you that she speak first, because of your notably apparent dislike for dark skinned blacks. Have you ever thought that this lady or the others might not approve of your choices and since you obviously have some sort of superiority complex with dark skinned folks in mind they just don't want to get involved talking with you.

Anonymous said...

I don't know if the comment went through or not but just in case I wanted to apologize. I was very angry when I wrote that comment. I can't judge you but I just wanted to say that you really need to get out of that mentality. To an extent, I used to be the same way.

Also, I so agree with the commenter above, get in touch with a group of black women in Portland (if any) or even a group online. It will be very helpful and eye opening, trust me.

Responding to my comment above^ said...

So my comment didn't go through. Haha oh well.

Falone said...

Marrying a white man is not "the dream." Marrying a good-looking man who's financially stable, college-educated, family-oriented, and in love with you is a dream lol.

I had already typed this long ass comment... but I deleted it, cuz it's already been said... but damn, chick. Smh lol.

Anonymous said...

I can't get past the comment that the 2nd person left...that 'White people have the ability to reach out very easily to others - it's called the white privilege and it's the confident assumption that they will be accepted wherever they go and that people will be courteous - now this may not be the case for ALL whites but a white middle-class female will definitely be among those who enjoy this benefit.'

Are there a lot of people that feel this way?? I am a middle-class white female, and I don't assume that I'll be accepted wherever I go, and I don't believe that I'm the exception to the rule. People are people wherever you go--some nice, some not. I don't expect it, though. Just hope so. I have worked hard to get out of my comfort zone and be freindly to others, having been shy for a long time. I think it's just because I try to friendly and outgoing, not because I just know the world is going to adore me for being white.

This is why I read this blog, because I read viewpoints and perspectives that I have never even thought of before.

Anonymous said...

You know, this is kind of bizarre. What do you TBG hope to achieve by posting topics like this? There is some kind of masochistic vibe I'm getting off some of your posts. Are you looking for free therapy or do you get strange satisfaction from other peoples disapproval or disgust? What is really going on here...you sit huddled in some room furtively writing this stuff and reading the comments then later you stride out of the "darkness" back into the light of everyday normalcy and act like this blog never existed. Sista, something ain't right. Think about it.

Anonymous said...

Trying to explain "white priviledge" to a white person is like attempting to convince a terrorist that there are no naked virgins awaiting him in heaven afterwards. Pointless. So I'm not going to try. However if anyone wants to give it a go kudos to you.

Hola, I'm JMac: said...

I think it's cool of you to admit this, right or wrong, and noone should judge what you personally feel. You're just willing to share very raw emotion, which most people are 1)incapable of admitting themselves and 2)not comfortable hearing. What I wonder is, how do move beyond these ridiculous "color of your skin" stereotypes? Because although I'm white girl, I whole-heartedly do not want that to distort the process of meeting someone special and cool, you know? So, where do we go from here? How do we move forward?

D said...

I've been treating this as too hot to touch for a few days.

As for directly addressing the issue...
First - TBG, you could have started the conversation as easily as her.
and Second - if what's in your head is coming through as a "vibe", it makes sense if other black women don't make the first conversational move.

Because TBG is being so "open", it opens the door on a whole world that mainstream America is pretty oblivious of... there is still a pretty big racial gap in this country.

So this whole exercise is good, if it can open up a dialog, and get people to be open to seeing how other people view the world, and just accepting other people for who they are.

Anonymous said...

What I find the most interesting about this topic is the fact that the only people who are supporting TBG so far, who see nothing odd or wrong about a black woman speaking of her fellow black people in this way are whites...

Congratulations TBG you have their endorsement; you are now good enough for them...prepare to cross the line....good luck.
Only problem is...you would have to take your biracial kids everywhere you go as a statement showing your white affiliation...or hang a pic of hubby round your neck for instant "white loving" identification. 'Cos if you walk around sans kids or hubby I'm afraid you might be mistaken for another "ghetto" black woman. And that just ain't right..!

D said...

White privilege is the flip side of racism and a racial gap in our society. Racism exists. A racial gap exists. Minorities suffer negative effects of racism and a racial gap significantly more than white people. That disparity (the "lessness" of negative effects of racism and a racial gap) is "white privilege".

One of the most commonly used examples is confidence... in social situations, work situations, and in dealing with authority.

There are several factors which lead to a race gap. A separation. The most obvious is outright racism. Another factor is that in many situations, it's a tough topic to explore for both sides. The average well meaning but racially/culturally inexperienced person stands a good chance of being openly or silently labeled as "ignorant" if or when they try to explore race gap issues. This gap... lack of understanding, and lack of interaction has certain trickle-down consequences. For example, because of the way numbers, situations, racism, and racial gap factors work out, it's more likely that a minority person will not feel confident in a social, work, or authority situation compared to a white person (however, there are white people who are not confident, and minority people who are).

A white person may lack confidence, and therefore be less effective in their dealings with the world. But almost never would the root cause of this be the color of their skin. White people have less to worry about, in this respect. "White privilege" is the name given to this concept.

So why are so many white people resistant to discussing or admitting this topic? And why can't they "see" it, or "feel" it?

A white person going through their life has their ups, their downs, their triumphs, their tribulations, etc. But overall, there is a "balance" to things, a baseline which is pretty neutral, from their perspective.

But for minorities, there are times and situations where they are slighted or outright discriminated against, and those injuries are a real and hurtful thing. It's noticeable. It "feels". It's a negative. And there are other times where just due to the gap in society, there some extra burdens that white people don't have to deal with. For minorities, it's right there. Being hurt... hurts.

A white person usually does not have to face those hurtful situations or issues, as a rule. This neutral state is white privilege, as compared to the NEGATIVE state produced by a racial gap for minorities. So yes, this thing labeled as "white privilege" by conventional wisdom exists, at least in our current state of racial and cultural relations.

In a better world where racism and a racial gap did not exist, then everyone would have the "privilege" of feeling confident in social, work, and authority situations. None of us would have to deal with the negative effects of it being otherwise. We ALL would have this "privilege", and it would be "human privilege".

This leads into why many white people are resistant to discussing or admitting this phenomenon exists. First of all, let's consider perspective. White privilege is often presented as an unfair positive, but that's not correct. What's unfair is the negative experienced by minorities - in fairness it should be neutral for them, too. This little matter of perspective may seem like a small thing, but if you think about the implications, there's a BIG difference. Also, in many situations white privilege is discussed in a way which feels threatening to whites. As a discussion on this topic unfolds, it feels as if the proposed solution is to "take away" this unfair privilege. But this misses the point. EVERYONE should have this privilege. Everyone should have the luxury of feeling confident in social, work, and authority situations. It is not something to take away from somebody... it should be GIVEN to EVERYBODY. And the way to actually make this happen would be to narrow the race gap, and to extinguish racism. If we're going to narrow the racial gap in this country, white people need to "buy into" the idea of understanding just as much as minorities, so it would be much more effective in the long run if a few small adjustments were made in how a lot of people are describing white privilege.

About a month ago, I sat through a conversation on white privilege with about a hundred and fifty people, and it was pretty uncomfortable. I understand and agree that there is a privilege issue. And yet, as a white person, I felt "lectured" and talked down to. After about ten minutes, a white female got indignant and went on a two minute rant something to the effect of "No, I don't agree, I never discriminate, and I'm offended for you to stand up there...", and after she finished, she got a round of applause (from the white people, of course). Having the conversation led to stepping backwards, not forwards, on this issue. Obviously, we can do better to narrow the gap than occurred in this situation.

Because everyone should have this freedom, confidence, and lack of fear... it's really a right, not a privilege. In every other situation outside of this topic where the word "privilege" is used, it's almost always with the implication that privileges are a "maybe" thing. But if this is a RIGHT that everyone should have... it seems pretty obvious that privilege is not the right word. It gives the wrong connotation on several levels.

The bottom line seems to be there's no quick fix here. To call a spade a spade, the way to eliminate this unfair situation is... to eliminate this unfair situation. To eliminate the gap between races and cultures in our society. To increase understanding. To eliminate racism. And while we're working on getting there, what's to stop minorities to just assume the privilege? Take it. Figure out how to be confident in social, work, and authority situations in a similar way to a white person who has confidence issues for some other reason.

This "privilege" should be for everyone, with no exceptions.

D

D said...

we all deserve to love and respect ourselves, to accept it as "what is". i'm very, very sure i'll have future opportunities to encourage TBG to truly and deeply accept herself for who she is and what she is. to BE black. to OWN black.

i'm white. i've said in more than a few posts in other threads that i feel TBG disrespects herself and other black people. just because i didn't say that AGAIN (and again and again) here... that doesn't mean i "support her" because i didn't keep harping on it.

so the generalization made by anonymous is not correct for this white person.

D

a said...

Thank you for the 'white privledge' commwents, D. I was the one who asked.
I hope I didn't offend the person with the 'terrorist' comment...wan't trying to. Just trying to understand.

a said...

But I have to say, I didn't appreciate being compared to a terrorist waiting for virgins in heaven. Trying to understand 'white privledge' is not exactly comparable to crazy homicidal religious fanatics and their delusions.

And it wasn't pointless.

Anonymous said...

At d..thanks for explaining WP. I certainly could not have put it so succintly even if I had wanted to try.

At a...First - the mistake some people make is to assume terrorists are "crazy homicidal maniacs". Homicidal-yes. Not crazy or maniacs. No you're not a terrorist but that does not mean you cannot share some similar traits..Imagine trying hard to get an idea across to a group of people and no matter how eloquently and intelligently you put it they simply cannot see it your way. End of story. So it is for many white people and their refusal to accept the concept of WP.
Which is why I described any explanation I would have made to you as pointless - terrorists are resistant to the idea that their efforts will not be rewarded in heaven with pretty virgins - in a similar way some whites are resistant to any idea that there exists a "white priviledge". Neither group is willing to compromise on their individaul convictions. it's a moot point.

a said...

SOME whites. Not me. Which is why I asked; because I care to know. I feel I have a better understanding. I accept that it's there, it's just not something I ever thought of (the very definition of white privledge, right?).

Not being able to understand something no matter how much you explain it to me (which I don't feel is the case) isn't the same as absolutely refusing to. D is white and he seems to get it; why can't I or anybody else? Can I have a perfect understanding? Of course not. Can I put myself in someone else's shoes and think in a way I haven't before? I am.

I respect your right to your feelings and opinions on the subject; I just disagree. I still think there was validity and worth in asking the question, and I still think that terrorists are crazy and maniacal. But that's a whole different topic anyway.

Thanks for the feedback.

Lola Gets said...

Its seems like both you and the Black woman were reacting to each other based on inter-racial sterotypes.

I am a fair skinned Black woman, and I know what effect my color has on (some) persons with a darker skin tone. Knowing what I know, I try to abate the feelings generated by those sterotypes by appearing friendly to all I encounter. Now, it doesnt always work, hell I dont always do it, cause shit, I get tired too! But damnit, EVERY person in that situation has to take responsibility for their own actions or inactions.

femme said...

it must take a lot of guts to do what u do with all the critcism. u have every right to be open about your feelings( long as they are not hate based)in ur own space.
just wanted to shout out.

Letter M said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

I am responding to a few articles at the same time.

I do not blame you for being paranoid about where you are sitted and who speaks to you and so on because in an interracial union if you keep taking note of what people think and how they stare, then you will feel that way.
Graduallly paranoid. My elderly aunt told me the best way to survive when you are doing something which is not that common (she was also interracially married) is to forge ahead while ignoring everyone else-- whether they have good feelings, bad or otherwise. Just live and focus on your life and happiness.

As for the women ignoring each other, emm, I am also in an interracial marriage but I will readily admit that I am unfriendly and aloof-not a good thing:( Recently a woman at the health club asked if I ever smiled at anyone except when I was on the phone. She said I did not frown but always had a blank unexpressive look.Yikes, that made me smile-- Gotta do better, smile more! I digressed! :)

Hang in there, have fun, be in love, be a family but try, try reallllly hard not to let society and all their baggage get to you.
By the way, I routinely ask for a seat change. Why? Cuz I can and do not care to sit where I do not want to. Just that simple.

BTW, I did not know there were ANY black people in Oregon. Little people, big world, Yes, but black.. emm No. So good fer ya.
haha..

blue milk said...

Your posts are very thought-provoking, that's for sure. I disagree with some of the comments here, that you aren't brave to post these kinds of thoughts. Anger and ridicule is always pretty hard to receive, even anonymously on the internet.

I don't feel angry reading these posts, I feel sad. I feel sad thinking about how racism is just so everywhere. Nobody can live on this planet without being immersed in racism. What a waste. I'm white and I don't live in America and I can see that I just don't 'get' how emotive a topic like this must be for a lot of your readers. Whoever it was that said that white people just don't get their white privelege - they're absolutely right, I'm completely steeped in it, its hard for me to recognise even when I'm trying very hard to see it, because its everywhere. We're born into it, we never know anything different and I thought about this a lot more while reading your blog. Thinking how I don't have to analyse my motivations all the time when I am talking to mothers at the pool, black or white. It is a privilege to be so free of thoughts of race and it comes with never having to suffer from my race.

Thanks.

Meek said...

The other black mom may not like you or she may be hatin because you have biracial children....or she may be just a RUDE B....or she may think that your snobby I mean you haven't spoken to her or tried to strike up a convo....or she may be shy.....or she may be intimidated of other.....see where I'm going with this....

I do agree I sometimes think things that I am ashamed of however I think about them evaluate what is wrong with my thinking.....the problem that I think a lot of your readers are having is they don't see the reflection only the negative thinking.....im jus sayin

Meek said...

Great response Blue Milk!

Anonymous said...

Honey ... YOU have issues. Please get help. I don't mean to be rude, so please don't get offended.

Anonymous said...

Women do not like each other in general. They're suspicious or cliqueish. I was there for the so-called feminist revolution in the '60's. The promise then was us women would have better 'sisterly' relationships. Hell no! That hasn't happened. Build up the relationship with your best friend - who is your husband, girl. Then, lower your expectations of hitting it off with women.

Married to same man 33 years.

lisablisa@gmail.com said...

I think you should just introduce yourself to this woman, make the first move. Since you were born and raised in Portland chances are you know the area better than she does. She may have just relocated to the area and could be looking to meet people. You might also have your sons introduce themselves to her sons, again if hers are the only black children you've seen at the pool chances are good that her sons would like to meet some other kids. Don't assume that this woman wants what you have; I'll bet she's pretty darn happy living her life and enjoying her children just as you are enjoying your life and your children. Make the first move, what do you have to lose? Nothing

Anonymous said...

wow...I cannot believe I am commenting on this blog.

I too married to a white man for 16 years. I find it funny that NEVER once I saw him as a trophy, a trinket or my two kids as the object of what every black woman wanted. I've been accused of the very things you say here in this post, and always wondered where the accusations came from, but now I see. It's because there ARE sisters unfortunately thinking that that was "stepping up", and look at my wonderful WHITE man.

My husband is a man that happens to be white. He scratches his nuts on my couch like every other husband. Black or white.

I really think you should've talked to her. Me thinks you are a bit intimidated by other black women.

Were you picked on as a kid? That would explain a lot.

Look, I'm reaching out to you. You really need to examine yourself. I know that's what you think you are doing on this blog. And you have every right to it, but I would hate to have my daughter read this and think..."hmmmm...white man=livin' da dream!!!" I don't care if her future husband is white or black. He needs to treat her like the queen shit is. Period.

Anonymous said...

This has nothing to do with complexion. Your thoughts have created this entire environment. You should have introduced yourself. I am a human being who gets along with just about any one. I have experienced others not speaking to me also. The difference is, I do not judge them for not saying anything. I will often start the conversation and learn that the person I THOUGHT was a prude ACTUALLY turns out to be a wonderful person. I really think you need to look inside, there you will see that you are a person with many issues. You most likely married your husband (the white man) because you do not like what you are. YOU do not like YOU (a black woman). I hope you do not pass these issues down to your children. By the way, why do you insist on calling them Bi-racial? There is only ONE race (Human). why not call them what they truly are, Bi-cultural or multi-cultural.

elaina said...

ok, i'm a new reader but i'm going to not come back because you are disturbed and need help. color has you messed up. It's probably the media, most people don't feel this way. I'm sorry you do.

Anonymous said...

It's a personality conflict. Not a black or white thing. We has black women are sold short in more ways than i can begin to count, were judged,sterotyped and the sad part is that were doing this to ourselves.

Anonymous said...

I just came across this blog a few weeks ago and have been reading past entries as well as comments. I have come to realize that you have some real deep-seated issues (conscious and subconscious). I understand that your intention is to write it as you see it and give your opinion, but it is extremely difficult to 'like' you when you hold such blatant sterotypes for your own race and then contridict yourself in saying you are not like those white ppl that see blacks in that way, etc. You are exactly like them and in many ways worse because you have a self-hatred of your self and where you come from that is now being passed to your children.

I have been amused like many who have read your blog, but at the same time sadden and hope that you will start to love yourself and your ppl more.

Anonymous said...

I've just found your blog and my heart aches for you because I really think you have self esteem issues. First of all, being married to a white man does not mean he is a trophy.

I happen to know because I am black and my husband is white. Although I love him dearly, I do not feel as if I'm better than other blacks because I married a white man.

Second of all, you've had a grave injustice done to you if you do not know any black professionals. My father is an economist, my sisters are attorneys, my mother is a college graduate, I am in graduate school pursuing a master's and my mother's cousin won a Nobel Prize in Economics. I also have a relative that is a NY state senator. My family abounds with doctors, attorneys, nurses, academics, judges, etc. But that doesn't make me or them better than any one else. Having a lighter skin color does not make you better. I am dark skinned and I have always been proud of my color and the way I look. My dear friends are composed of light skinned blacks, Hispanics, and Asians, as well as whites.
Money does not make you a better person either.
I'd attended private university and some of the biggest jackasses, and pathetic people were well moneyed.
Open your eyes and be content with what you have, a loving husband, and two healthy sons. Be proud of yourself and your people, the light and the dark. We are exactly the same.

Lulla said...

Since you seem so aware of the preferences based on having a whiter appearance, how can you blame this darker colored woman for not reaching out? She has probably had bad experiences with people of her own race who are lighter than her...and therefore believe they are superior. It sounds like she made a smart move in avoiding you...if that's what she was doing. No one wants a 'friend' who thinks they are better than them. Too bad you don't sound like a 'cool white person' in this post. I bet you want your kids to bring home white/non-black partners so they don't "set you back" too.

Anonymous said...

Wow, now I see why some people are annoyed by this blog, you can get very hypocritical and judgmental at times. You want other black women to say hello, but you yourself do not bother to say hello. It may be true that many black women do no tend to greet or communicate with each other, but it gives you no right to feel superior just because you are able to point this out or because you have lighter skin. Now I understand you are just merely expressing your opinions, but sometimes you should think before you write something and consider other points of views or possibilities.

But then again, this IS your personal blog and you are able to write as you please, although some may have differing opinions.

Joyann said...

I stumbled upon this blog a couple of nights ago, and have been slowly reading my way through the entries. This is an older entry, but I still wanted to comment.

I agree with other posters who said that not every occurrence is about race. Maybe, in this situation, the other black lady didn't greet you because of her personality. Some people are shy, have social anxiety, and other traits that hinder them from feeling comfortable in social situations, so more than likely they won't be the ones to initiate conversation.

I'm an introverted black women, and also somewhat of a loner. Having said that, I do like to make connections with people, but I am definitely not a social butterfly, and often times, I am not the one to initiate social interaction, because of my personality type and the fact that I struggle with social anxiety. So my basic point is that there are factors other than race and jealousy that might cause someone to not come across as friendly as you would like that person to be.

Also, some people just aren't naturally demonstrative. I don't naturally smile, a lot, and often people will comment about the fact that I don't seem friendly because I don't have a smile plastered on my face all the time, or a ready and automatic hello for everyone that crosses my path. But that's my personality, and I don't feel obligated to go out of my way to interact with others, when that's just not my personality type.

Maybe this woman has some of the traits that I mentioned, and that's why she didn't immediately try to talk to you. The easiest thing to assume is that she doesn't like you because of your skin tone, etc. But we need to start seeing people for their personalities and temperaments, so that we can understand their behaviors better.

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