Monday, February 05, 2007

observations

at a recent kindergarten round up, i met a couple white moms who had biracial children (black fathers). both the moms were single. i started thinking all the white moms i've ever known with children by black men.

of all the white moms i know who've had children with black men , they've ALL had major problems in their relationships. they're either no longer together, or, if they are together,they constantly deal with problem after problem and nonstop drama. at the same time, i know many black women friends who've had children by/married to white men and for some reason those women have fairly drama-free lives, and seem relatively happy.

secretly, i've wondered if they look at me and my (normal, happy,trouble free) life and feel resentful. possibly resentful that i, a black girl have what they "should have" had. a SMALL part of me feels kind of guilty, but not really.

i know that there are white woman/black man couples out there that are successful. and i know that there are black women with white men who are UNsuccessful but it seems so rare. why is that though?

and i'm not saying that there's something wrong with black men. i mean personally, my preference is white. but there's obviously a different dynamic between white women/black men and black women /white men relationships.

18 comments:

Bense said...

That might sound odd. But I think there are more white women seeking adventures with black men than the other way round.

The second point is: Most of the women do not think of like that, as interracial, something special, whatever. White men do and so make a decision PRO that. Also the families might play a part in it. The men have always been the "sons and heirs".

Guess what. I have exactly the same impression, even here in Germany. Two of my friends have brown/black g/fs, some of my female friends had black b/f's but it never lasted long enough to determine wether it might work out in the first place. I don't wanna interprete some issues into it. But it might be a complex mixture of various reasons: Upbringing, race, attraction, social status, families, friends and gender issues.

Anonymous said...

Interesting observation. I think there is a similar pattern with white men/asian women. It usually works while the white woman/asian man combo is kind of rare. Probably no simple reason but class, gender, and family roles, all play a part. Keep up the observation please

Anonymous said...

Here in NJ its the same thing. The white / hispanic mothers who had kids from a black man are always single. Yet the WhiteMale / BlackFemale couples always seem happy.

Aly Cat 121 said...

I think it depends on the actual people. People tend to attack WHO THEY ARE, so if you attack someone with drama, then that's more than likely the type of person you TRULY are yourself. No one ever wants to admit the parts they play in the failure of a relationship. It's always easier and safer to point fingers at the other parties faults and not evaluate our own. Like the old saying goes "when you point 1 finger at someone else, you have 3 fingers pointing back to you."

Anonymous said...

I'm going to get politically incorrect here. Also note that my theories are anectdotal and based on my personal experience.

I am a Black woman in an interracial relationship with a White man. I have noticed the same trend as well. My explanation encompasses the following:

1. American society still places a stigma on Blackness; the more Afrocentric your features, the less attractive society in general finds you. If you are a woman, this is trippled.

2. Historically, the sexuality of Black men was to be feared while the sexuality of Black women was ignored. This meant very harsh punishments for a Black male who was even suspected of "defiling" a White woman. In contrast, White men could satisfy himself with a Black woman with total impunity.

3. Men face a far heavier stigma of dating an unattractive mate than females. For women, there is more emphasis on social mobility and wealth, because traditionally men were thought of as the bread winners and women as those to be taken care of. That's why you can have attractive women marrying the biggest nerds, so long as the nerd has an equal or higher amount of wealth or social power. It doesn't work the other way; you rarely see the "Abercrombie and Fitch" type of men marrying an average or "unattractive" woman who happens to be wealthy and powerful.

So putting it all together: Black woman are seen as less attractive by society as a whole. Add to that the social stigma of a man having an unattractive partner, and the vestigial taboo of a Black woman being a White man's plaything, and this weeds out a lot of BF-WM relationships.

Now consider the socioeconomic exchange: a Black man seeking status would best find it via a White woman, as society sets the White woman upon a higher social status. The White woman in turn, is perfectly willing to forgo the taboo of interracial dating in favor of economic gain. Which is why I've noticed that most interracial relationships involving BM usually has the male at the higher social or income standing, or at the very least the female at the lowest wrung.

For a Black woman and White male to really get involved, they must first meet, then overcome societal expectations. This is more easily done by intelligent, liberal-minded people; since intelligence and liberalism correlates with college education, both individuals in a BW-WM pairing are more likely to be educated or meet at places associated with smarts and status (museums, etc..) Furthermore, since the White man is at the top of the social hierarchy in America, dating a Black woman would actually be a social step down. The only way to compensate for this is if you have the "trophy" wife--which is why in BF-WM pairings, the woman is more often-than-not highly educated, above average in looks, and everything else that you'd want in a woman. She must be the ideal woman to compensate.

That Black Girl said...

anon,
wow. thank you.

Keya said...

You are so right. I too know white women in relationships with black men. If you ask me, there is so much that a black woman will take. Where as white women put up with more CRAP, and the black man know's he can get away with it. Also white men are WAY more family oriented & goal oriented than most black men that I know. When I dated black men, they wanted to date other women too, but when I dated & married a white man, it was all about COMMITMENT.

Acolyte said...

Are you taking class and education in account here? Much as marriages between to black educated well to do people will do well I think the chances are higher to for two well educated adjusted ppl from diff races.
I think you have selective perception because the divorce rates for inter racial couples are higher than for same race couples. I bet there are some succesful black man white woman families that you dont bother to notice because they dont fit your mindset.

teen aryan 1488 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

It may have a class/education basis like Acolyte mentions. White men / black women couples tend to be highly educated and successful, whereas in my experience white woman/black man couplings are usually lower class. Middle class and better educated people tend to have more stable relationships overall.

D said...

Your own negative baggage on this issue, as well as the negative baggage of others plays a part in this.

Anonymous said...

Anon, mostly right but there are the exceptions...Peter Norton for example.
http://www.newyorksocialdiary.com/partypictures/2006/11_01_06/partypictures11_01_06.php

He of Xhosa decent said...

I disagree with anonymous on one factor in particular. Thee idea of a Black man finding statis in being with a white woman. I think that subconsciously that may be true, but for most examples we see this in lower trickles of society. While the higher up one goes the more likely they are to stay within their own race for support through marriage. Now if we're talking about sex (which is what most of these white women/black male relationships are about) then BM's will engage in having sex with all races, colors and creeds. The trouble however, comes into play when one party lies to thee other and pretends to care on some level while their hearts are ruled by the hot hindering hand of lust. Let us seperate love and lust and understand the relationships that we are seeing and the results of the actions taken by the heart.

Anonymous said...

wow looking over some of what people are saying on here.. man i really cant believe it..... seems as if some of you (black women ) are a little angry to me..... i am a black woman married to a white man three children.... our youngest is 3.... but i will only comment on one or two things i've seen on here...........someone named " Anonymous said... For a Black woman and White male to really get involved, they must first meet, then overcome societal expectations. This is more easily done by intelligent, liberal-minded people; since intelligence and liberalism correlates with college education, both individuals in a BW-WM pairing are more likely to be educated or meet at places associated with smarts and status (museums, etc..) Furthermore, since the White man is at the top of the social hierarchy in America, dating a Black woman would actually be a social step down. The only way to compensate for this is if you have the "trophy" wife--which is why in BF-WM pairings, the woman is more often-than-not highly educated, above average in looks, and everything else that you'd want in a woman. She must be the ideal woman to compensate." are you out of your mind........ in black women that i know of are no trophy wife for their white husbands........ you maybe need to rethink your relationship... that your in.......... but this is what you think even though you are so wrong.......when i met my husband we were set up on a blind date by a friend..... when i first saw him..... it was love at first sight.... for the both of us....... after that first date we were inseprateable........and got married a year after we met.... as for anyone on here concerned about what their family or husbands family will think... well i only have this to say things started out good between my mother inlaw and i.... but things did go down hill.. she didnt realize that i came first but she gets the pictue now....... and things are ok... as for my family i really couldnt care less what they thought...... he is who i fell in love with....... if they didnt like it well that was their problem........ but i have to say that my fathers side of the family love him..... but to respond to what you all are saying about white women and black men..... well i dont see that either..... i think that alot of people just get themselves pregnant.... there is nothing wrong with that and i am no one to judge... but there just happen to be white women and black men that have children are happily married..... i think alot of black women still have that MEANTALITY that white women should not be with as you say brothers.......... give me a break..... love is love..... when i see a fellow interracial couple i feel great because it lets me no that when someone loves another color has no bounds... renee.........

Anonymous said...

No. black men just suck. Once you put them in the mix of a relationship the relationship is all down hill from there. Black men are serious commitment phobes. They also see very little value in having a family and can't seem to get beyon the teenage stage of "its all about me."
That is why all those white moms with biracial children are single moms.

Anonymous said...

A lot of Black men (not all black men)are afraid of commitment. The problem is that there are not enough decent black men in this city to form a committed relationship. I am a 30-something-year-old black woman and I have not been in a relationship for a number of years because I DO NOT want to date a thug, pimp, or a man with multiple children by multiple women. I have nothing but trouble with black men and my friends have also had the same type of troubles. The lying, cheating, angry outburst and acting like a prepetual teenager has become too much to deal with. I often see these white women with black men and at first I use to get mad but now I think why in the hell would you want to go through what we go through? Are you serious? Have you heard any black women's personal stories? Out of all my friends, family and neighbors only one is happily married (in fact she is the only one married at all.), two are in happy relationships and the rest have been or are in a living f-king hell. I can't date these black men here in Portland they are all just too nasty, too dirty and too damaged.

sahara said...

I have to laugh at all of this.

MEN have a problem with commitment, and women have a problem with self-esteem and expectations, both problems the baggage of the historical and current culture we live in. I know just as many white women who have commitment problems with their own men.

I was with a mixed group of women, including latin and Asian sisters when this subject came up. I asked about commitment problems, and everyone had been left boo-hooing by the phone at some point. We even recited what each race of man said in their own vernacular when they were dumped; turns out the approaches were similar, the differences based on their respective cultures.

At the end of the day, we concluded that we need a whole new group of men from another planet, to show the men on earth, that they are not what's happening.

There's basically two types of folks out here––the good and the bad. And, unfortunately, you gotta kiss a lot frogs, to get a prince.

michael said...

@ Sahara

I don't agree with everything you said, but your thoughts were very informative. I think Oscar Wilde said it best, "To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance."