Wednesday, September 05, 2012

decisions.

i  recently had to attend a fundraiser, where i was expected to donate money.  before i got there, i was already a little hesitant and uneasy about the fundraiser. i wasn't sure if it was supporting the right type of people, or if it would make the right statement, blah blah blah. i just wasn't 100 percent confident, but i was expected to be there.

when i got there, there weren't many people at first. but as people started filling up the place, i started to notice that most of the people  supporting the cause were white. a couple of black people, a handful of hispanic, but mainly white. and i realized that i started to feel sure and confident about my decision to support the cause because of the number of white people there supporting the cause. and i realized that i've changed my decision in situations like this based on the race of people involved.decisions like choosing a restaurant, or a school or something-the presence of white people makes me feel like i'm making the right decision.

i've been this way for a long time. but it wasn't until the fundraiser that i actually became conscious of it. it's like seeing white people (presumably "smart" white people) means that i must be in the right place. or i must be making the right decision.

i'm not saying this is true or right, but i am recognizing that this is the way i rationalize some decisions i've had to make. and what's strange is that in other situations, i don't like being around a sea of white people. for example, the beer fests that portland is known for. you would never catch me there, mainly because i can't stand being around so many beer-drinking type (white) people.

5 comments:

Stephanie Graham said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

So by inference, does it mean you'd PREFER to by around drunk people of color?

Anonymous said...

I'm really confused in reading this post. Do you think White people as a whole are better in control than African Americans? You seem really ignorant to a lot of things considering your latter posts. You should take some time to research BEFORE you write these uneducated posts. There are these things called libraries, not sure if you've heard of them, take advantage of them not the people you critize.

stephanieUK said...

I just found your blog and was very interested by this observation. I too have found myself doing this and i think it takes courage to admit it. It really is a reflection of the complex ways that we are all (black, white, asian etc.) influenced by the racism (institutional)that is perpetuated in our society and how we learn to judge things hierarchically with regard to race, as it mirrors what we are shown the correlates of race to be( power, status, or lack thereof, through media etc). This is something I struggle with personally. As a biracial person it is also something I thought I was previously immune to, obviously not, we all drink the same kool aid. But I think it is important to be aware of the subtle ways in which we internalize racist messages and help maintain structures of oppression and ideology that holds white people in the highest regard and and blacks with the least. I appreciate your candor and think it sparks a needed discussion (although apparently your message has been lost on some people). We all have to challenge our biases...

Anonymous said...

I'm not surprised at all about how a black woman could "feel secure" in a room full of White people. After all society has always tried to tarnish black and make white shine like gold. Some people buy in and others don't. Black people are beautiful and resilient. Be proud and find some positive black people to hangout with. Please teach your babies that black is beautiful.