Friday, March 28, 2008

the thing is

i get emails from people who literally either love me or hate me. it's never really in-between. and it's funny because i'm just writing thoughts through my eyes. so it's not anything conjured up for a reaction (although i usually get some kind of reaction).

what's really curious is that before i started this blog, i had one of those social/mommy/hodgepodge blogs where i'd try to come up with some interesting topic all the time. i guess my goal was to get as many readers as i could. it worked for a while, until i just burned out. i started to think it was too contrived. i thought i was just writing for myself, but wondered why was i putting so much effort into something that no one read. so then i'd try all these things like, having a cool layout. or linking other blogs. or catchy titles or gadgets or widgets or pictures just to get people to read it. until i realized that it was taking way too much energy. and it wasn't really positive energy. it felt like work and it was stressful if i thought that not enough people were reading it. and it just consumed my brain all the time. everything i did was an effort to get inspired for cool blog post that would attract readers.

so i bagged that blog. and decided that i did have things i wanted to say, but it didn't really fit into the type of social blogging that i was doing. i decided that i had all these thoughts about this or that, things you can't just say to people -and i could put it into a blog. and honest-to-god didn't care who would read it, i just wanted to get my raw thought out there.

so how ironic it is to me, that without even trying, i get more readers and dialoguing on this blog than i ever did when i was trying so hard on the old blog to get people to read what i was talking about. which is why i don't even fuss with some really cool layout, or anything catchy. if people were going to read it, i just wanted them to read the stripped-down version of what i was saying without the distractions.

and no, i'm not going to link to anyone from my site. i'm not trying to promote anyone or anything----why would i when i'm not even promoting myself? i even feel kind of______(for lack of a better word) when people link to me on their blogs. my first thought is, okay that's great, but what's going to happen when one day i write about my rawest (is that a word?) thought and they don't like it? then will they unlink me? it's almost like pressure to perform or something. like they're telling their readers that they recommend this "great" blog. and i'm just writing about nothing, really. and i'm afraid that i'll go back to writing just to impress people (which i really, really, really don't want to do again).

okay i guess i really digressed.

some of my emails tell me that i must 'hate' myself, i 'need help' et cetera, et cetera. i don't agree at all. why? because i'm functioning. if i couldn't function in different social situations or if any of my insecure thoughts inhibited me from living life somehow, or made me some sick demented person, well then i could see getting help. just what exactly would 'help' do for me that i am not already doing? and what kind of help is that, exactly? since when is it not okay to have *thoughts* (besides dangerous, suicidal, or immoral)? i'm living life to the fullest of my ability. and i know for a fact that my thoughts are not any worse than MANY people. i've never struggled with depression or any type of mental illness which is a lot more than i can say for many people. i actually feel kind of proud of that fact. seems kind of rare these days for someone to not be on ANY meds at all. but yeah, that's me. i feel lucky that way.

i'm just saying what people think about all the time. this will sound cliche, but nobody is perfect. so no matter how politically correct you think you are, or how progressive you feel, if you blogged about the first thought that popped into your head, it would likely sound like the things i say.

15 comments:

Tasha said...

So true. A blog is just a written account of a person's thoughts. It shouldn't have to be inhabited or dramatized- I think that's what attracts so many people to your blog. It's real, and it doesn't have to be politically correct. Because who can honestly say that they are guilt-free from any politically questionable thoughts. I actually think it's generous of you to let others read your blogs (I don't think I could do it...yet)
I hope you keep writing!

Anonymous said...

You absolutely say what many people think at some time or another. I always check out your blog, so keep on. Thanks!
Eva

Anonymous said...

I like reading your blogs...you sound like a pretty cool person. With that said, don't stop writing. Don't feel like you should hold back on your words because some people don't like it. Be honest with yourself, speak your mind, and have fun.

inscrutable said...

Your blog is an addiction for me because it's sort of train-wrecky ( don't really mean that in a bad way, though). I'm not a 30-something mother of biracial children but I have had thoughts similar to yours. I thankfully grew out of it and I keep reading because I hope you'll have the same epiphany someday. Not because black people are a monolith and we're required to exhibit groupthink--but because I know where those thoughts come from, that internalized racism. Those thoughts do so much damage--and not just to you but to your sons. Will they ever learn to truly love their blackness when their only black parent views the race with such derision?

It's interesting to see your growth , that's all. I wish you luck.

Golden Silence said...

"Your blog is an addiction for me because it's sort of train-wrecky (don't really mean that in a bad way, though)."

Is there a good definition of "train-wreck" that I don't know of?

adriennechristina said...

I enjoy your blog. If you're enjoying it and it isn't hurting anyone, keep with it.

I think it's extremely tough to open yourself up to other's critique and criticism the way you do. You're an inspiration, despite how controversial you may seem.

Hola, I'm JMac: said...

This is why I love your blog and I link to your blog. I get very very tired of reading "perfect" mommy blogs...the truth is so much more interesting than upholding some stereotype. People are so afraid to speak it. They are so bound to living their lives attune to a personal definition of "normal." That kind of stuff just isn't interesting to me.

Anonymous said...

hi i'm a 23 year old college student i just came across your blog today because i was searching for ingredients that are in this just for me texturizer to see if it was any different from a relaxer and ur blog popped up so i said hey why not...btw did u ever decide on going natural i think u should give it a try u just need to learn about ur hair..... aaaanywho i find it interesting that u've had so many issues with feeling black when you were younger bcuz a few fools thought bcuz u were light u were better, oh and i understand the big lips thing too because i had the same issue except im dark skinned ( i guess chocolate colored since a lot of ppl dont know our skin comes in all shades brown black and high yellow) skinny and tall, so i had to deal with all sorts of name calling, but after 3rd grade when i had a low fade due to a bad relaxer and some boy decided he was gonna try and make fun of me and all i did was look at him like he was the same dirt i walked on everyday, i let the name calling role off my shoulder and i learned not to take ppl so seriously especially if they were my friends and i used to laugh with them because i realised dang i am skinny as hell i can squeeze through a hanger but eat like no tomorrow, now those who didnt know me never said a word to me my face bcuz i had to learn confidence i taught myself to be confident and ignore ppl.if anyonye did have something to say my main come back would be "so whats ur point, ur stating the obvious" and not even show any signs of frustration shrug my shoulders and walk away. But where i grew up in Miami,FL there was all kinds of ppl in my schools i never heard the good hair bad hair thing until i got in highschool and i never knew that dark skinned and lighter skinned blacks had an issue with each other, because i had all types of friends, probably until high school but it was still never a big thing, just sheer jealousy for some reason. I think because my family is west indian or afro caribbean however u wanna call it since the only us born ancestry i have were those who were born in the virgin islands under the danish rule so the whole color and hair issue was never an issue in my house aside from knowing that we are decendants of african slaves and many ppl put their lives on the line for us to be where we are today. I guess it depends in the area u grow up in sometimes that dictate how you feel about urself, the whole nature vs. nurture argument. I said all that to say you dont have to try so hard to be a good black exmple just be you and ppl will take notice and the whole ur tryna be white because u use grammatically correct sentences i'm used to it also i've heard it my whole life and still do but my moms a teacher and so was my grandmother so i had no choice, just do you. Theres a time and a place for slang because i do slip in and out with ease because i'm from the islands and we have a completely different dialect there and because im also from miami and we have all types of southern dialects there but i dont speak like that all the time, it depends on the situation and who ur talking to. So be encouraged ur normal not an evil self hating black woman, a lot of ppl have insecurities, i dont have any i can think of other than my weight, bcuz i wanna gain some ( i'm not that skinny anymore but im still slim)and since i'm such a klutz ir'll take a lot to embarass me bc i laugh at myself a lot, just go with the flow of things and dont let a few zealots get to u.

Golden Silence said...

Paragraphs, anonymous. Paragraphs.

Anyway, I came across this article on a forum I've been checking out, and thought of this blog:

What it feels like to be Black in Oregon

It was interesting to get another Black woman's POV on Portland.

Anonymous said...

You blog about the first thing that pops in your head and it has to do with race? honestly those aren't things I think about on a regular basis atleast not for years on end. If this had been my blog right now Id be talking about married life, my kids, and stuff like that. But this is blog world and you can talk about whatever you want but since 2006 its been about race and that worries me. this is my first visit but I think id come back on a regular just to see if you ever do expand your horizons.

Venice said...

hey I have a question. Its irrelevant but here goes. Have you ever heard of this website, blackpeopleloveus.com ?

I was a little confused when I first began reading it. Obviously its a joke but who do you think is writing it? Contrary to most peoples immediate thought, I think it is black people who are being sarcastic and satirical about stereotypes that they believe white people have about us and are at the same time exaggerating what a lot of black people think white people think and do in regards to black people (like being proud of the number of black people they've spoken to/greeted in a day)

jcanguy said...

You are going to continue writing right? its been awhile :)I'm hungry for some color gossip!

cardiowhore said...

i love your blog! I have to admit I dont have the balls to leave my blog open for comments! thats how I know you are a strong woman!keep blogging!

Gloria said...

I don't hate you or dislike you. My interest is in between. I can see how most people can hate you (you are politically incorrect and you wake them up to see that everyone doesn't think like they do) and love you (you are realistic and candid and it is "nice" to go into someone else's head especially because she is "ethnic").

Keep up the work your doing. I'm interested...

Anonymous said...

Your blog is a guilty pleasure for me. You remind me sooo much of myself. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in these thoughts about race. As long as you keep writing I'll keep reading!