i get emails from people who literally either love me or hate me. it's never really in-between. and it's funny because i'm just writing thoughts through my eyes. so it's not anything conjured up for a reaction (although i usually get some kind of reaction).
what's really curious is that before i started this blog, i had one of those social/mommy/hodgepodge blogs where i'd try to come up with some interesting topic all the time. i guess my goal was to get as many readers as i could. it worked for a while, until i just burned out. i started to think it was too contrived. i thought i was just writing for myself, but wondered why was i putting so much effort into something that no one read. so then i'd try all these things like, having a cool layout. or linking other blogs. or catchy titles or gadgets or widgets or pictures just to get people to read it. until i realized that it was taking way too much energy. and it wasn't really positive energy. it felt like work and it was stressful if i thought that not enough people were reading it. and it just consumed my brain all the time. everything i did was an effort to get inspired for cool blog post that would attract readers.
so i bagged that blog. and decided that i did have things i wanted to say, but it didn't really fit into the type of social blogging that i was doing. i decided that i had all these thoughts about this or that, things you can't just say to people -and i could put it into a blog. and honest-to-god didn't care who would read it, i just wanted to get my raw thought out there.
so how ironic it is to me, that without even trying, i get more readers and dialoguing on this blog than i ever did when i was trying so hard on the old blog to get people to read what i was talking about. which is why i don't even fuss with some really cool layout, or anything catchy. if people were going to read it, i just wanted them to read the stripped-down version of what i was saying without the distractions.
and no, i'm not going to link to anyone from my site. i'm not trying to promote anyone or anything----why would i when i'm not even promoting myself? i even feel kind of______(for lack of a better word) when people link to me on their blogs. my first thought is, okay that's great, but what's going to happen when one day i write about my rawest (is that a word?) thought and they don't like it? then will they unlink me? it's almost like pressure to perform or something. like they're telling their readers that they recommend this "great" blog. and i'm just writing about nothing, really. and i'm afraid that i'll go back to writing just to impress people (which i really, really, really don't want to do again).
okay i guess i really digressed.
some of my emails tell me that i must 'hate' myself, i 'need help' et cetera, et cetera. i don't agree at all. why? because i'm functioning. if i couldn't function in different social situations or if any of my insecure thoughts inhibited me from living life somehow, or made me some sick demented person, well then i could see getting help. just what exactly would 'help' do for me that i am not already doing? and what kind of help is that, exactly? since when is it not okay to have *thoughts* (besides dangerous, suicidal, or immoral)? i'm living life to the fullest of my ability. and i know for a fact that my thoughts are not any worse than MANY people. i've never struggled with depression or any type of mental illness which is a lot more than i can say for many people. i actually feel kind of proud of that fact. seems kind of rare these days for someone to not be on ANY meds at all. but yeah, that's me. i feel lucky that way.
i'm just saying what people think about all the time. this will sound cliche, but nobody is perfect. so no matter how politically correct you think you are, or how progressive you feel, if you blogged about the first thought that popped into your head, it would likely sound like the things i say.