idiot

i was over at grant park, mingling with about 4 other white moms whom i had just met. we were in line to sign up for swimming lessons and we were all talking about our kids and life, and then the discussion turned to hair. i actually wasn't saying a whole lot in the conversation when one of the moms started talking about those foamy pink rollers from back in the day, and how hideous they made her hair look. she turned to me and said, "you probably never had to worry about that, huh?" and then she looked uncomfortable like she thought maybe she had put her foot in her mouth.

i've probably never had to worry about that, huh? oh nooooo. never. never have i EVER tried to do any type of styling with my hair. in fact, i've never even heard of pink spongy rollers. this idea is completely foreign to me. us black people don't ever do stylish things to our hair.

hello. woman. what an idiot. i'm sure she meant nothing by it, but it just shows how ignorant some white people can be when it comes to what they think about black people. so then i started explaining about my hair, yadda, yadda, yadda, how i have it chemically relaxed, and yeah, i have attempted to curl it with rollers in my past thirtysomething years. another one of the white moms chimed in to say how she would 'die' for hair like mine. really?

let's think about that for a minute. she'd 'die' for what- my relaxed hair (which is actually in imitation of hers)? or the kinky stuff? which one?

i responded with "really???? REALLY???" and educated her on the fact that my hair, in it's natural state does not look like halle berry's or alicia keys, but more like jill scott's or macy gray. now. let's talk about how you could die for that.

and then i had to do some serious soul searchng--why is it that i assume that someone white would NEVER want my hair? is it really that bad? it must be, afterall, we (black people) don't even want it.

gawk

today was another sporadic sunny day in portland, so of course i took the opportunity to be out and about. i went to see a friend and we went walking around the neighborhood. a car with some black guys drove by and they about broke their necks looking at us walking along the sidewalk.

i promise you this isn't going to be another post about black men gawking and doing the 'yo baby what's up' thing. at first i thought, here we go again, with the black men and the gawking. and then i realized that i do the same thing without even realizing it. only i do it because once upon a time in portland, it seemed like we (the black people ) all knew each other. literally. when i was a kid, it was rare that i would go out to the store and see someone black and not know whose mom or dad or sister or brother it was. but back in those days (mmmm...around 1980-1990-ish) most black people lived on the northeast side. now it seems like we're all over portland more so than before.

so i guess it's just out of habit that when i see someone black, i take notice of them to do a mental face-scan to decide whether or not i know them. lately there are a lot more black people that i don't know because of portland growing so much.

so, i did kind of give those guys the benefit of the doubt. instead of ragging on them about being some sorry gawking losers, i thought maybe they just thought they knew me.

redemption

two of my best (black) girlfriends and i decided to go hang out in the Pearl district this weekend. we had a great time, and i realized how much more confident i feel around white people due to Obama being so popular. i mean, being black has never really stopped me from going where i wanted to, but occasionally i feel a little bit out of place or like i don't belong in some of the less ethnic areas. but yesterday was just different.

we were crossing an intersection where we had the walk signal and even though the car was stopped, we were all doing a sort-of run/walk, like we shouldn't have even been trying to cross the street in the first place. and then my friend asked, 'why are we running? we have the walk signal. when you see white people crossing the street, walk signal or not, they always walk like they own the street and KNOW that no one better not hit them'. we laughed about it jokingly but thought that we knew it was true.

it seems like so many people have embraced Obama- both black AND white. so this weekend when us three black young women were walking around in the Pearl, i felt like i was 100 percent equal with any white person there. i already KNOW we're equal, but it doesn't always feel that way, especially in an upscale area like the Pearl district. but now that a black man has the favor of so many people, it feels a little bit like he's redeeming the good, educated, hard-working black people that always get lumped in with the bad, uneducated, lazy black people who perpetuate the stereotype.

dress

now that the sun has come out in portland-albeit intermittently, i've pulled out my summer gear. i also have been out shopping. i didn't realize how truly anal i am about what i wear. when i decide what to wear or what to buy, about 90 percent of my decision is based on whether it makes me NOT look ghetto-fabulous. when most women are paranoid about whether what they wear makes their butt look huge, i'm paranoid that i'll look ghetto.



i can't stand that look of--well the look of black women that have their nails all done, their toes all done, their hair all done, wearing the most trendy, Forever21-style, borderline-club-gear on. the immediate impression i get is that they probably don't have a dime to their name.



so i'm constantly walking that fine line of trying to look tastefully stylish, but not too stylish for fear of falling into that "look" category. i didn't realize how much i was overthinking what i wear without even realizing it, until today, when i almost made my child late for school because of it. only then did it finally dawn on me-that in the back of my mind, i've been having this conversation in my head about how un-ghetto-fabulous i want to look. all the stereotypes of black women depict us with our hair fresh from the salon pressed bone-straight, with tight, provocative clothes, gold rings on our fingers, and long, acrylic nails. and i alway cringe when i see the black girls looking like that. i always think to myself : don't they know? don't they look in the mirror and see the stereotype? are they really that clueless?


so the complicated part is that i don't want to look like i have no style, but of course i want to look good. and everyone that i know with money doesn't "look" like they have money. but you can always tell good quality clothing. i would say my style is somewhere along the lines of Abercrombie and fitch meets the Gap. sorta. so i guess i just try to keep it simple but stylish, forgetting the acrylic nails (those were long forgotten) and the big gawdy earrings. i like my toes, clean and neat with a light coat of sheer pink.

i know that people will form whatever opinions they want to about a black woman regardless of what we wear, but if i can help it, i will.

unsure

i just got back from an extended vacation visiting my 2 older brothers in West Virginia. it's weird, there's so many MORE professional black people there than there are in portland. i didn't get those you-sound-so-white-when-you-talk looks from other black people like the way i do in portland. instead, they just assume you're one of the professional black people like themselves. but the funny thing is, there are still the country-ghetto-uneducated people there, too, and they're REALLY country.

i also realized that i don't always know what offends people of other races. you'd think someone black would be SO polically correct. i guess that just because i know what offends black people doesn't necessarily mean i know what offends people of other races.

when i got home, my next door neighbor, this really hip asian guy dyed his naturally black hair blond. my first reaction was to say, "you totally look like one of those asian tourists!" it was on the tip of my tongue before i stopped and thought: wait- is that offensive? i honestly didn't know. i know what comments are offensive to black people (of course) but not so much other people. is that weird? that's probably why when a white person gets called out about some racist remark they said, they always reply by saying "whaaaaat??" and everyone thinks they should automatically know what they said was wrong. not that i'm making excuses for them, not at all. but i can see how it could happen.

do white people ever get offended by subjective racist statements about themselves? and i can't remember any white people that i know of or in the media ever saying that they were offended by some kind of underhanded racial comment. seriously.

the thing is

i get emails from people who literally either love me or hate me. it's never really in-between. and it's funny because i'm just writing thoughts through my eyes. so it's not anything conjured up for a reaction (although i usually get some kind of reaction).

what's really curious is that before i started this blog, i had one of those social/mommy/hodgepodge blogs where i'd try to come up with some interesting topic all the time. i guess my goal was to get as many readers as i could. it worked for a while, until i just burned out. i started to think it was too contrived. i thought i was just writing for myself, but wondered why was i putting so much effort into something that no one read. so then i'd try all these things like, having a cool layout. or linking other blogs. or catchy titles or gadgets or widgets or pictures just to get people to read it. until i realized that it was taking way too much energy. and it wasn't really positive energy. it felt like work and it was stressful if i thought that not enough people were reading it. and it just consumed my brain all the time. everything i did was an effort to get inspired for cool blog post that would attract readers.

so i bagged that blog. and decided that i did have things i wanted to say, but it didn't really fit into the type of social blogging that i was doing. i decided that i had all these thoughts about this or that, things you can't just say to people -and i could put it into a blog. and honest-to-god didn't care who would read it, i just wanted to get my raw thought out there.

so how ironic it is to me, that without even trying, i get more readers and dialoguing on this blog than i ever did when i was trying so hard on the old blog to get people to read what i was talking about. which is why i don't even fuss with some really cool layout, or anything catchy. if people were going to read it, i just wanted them to read the stripped-down version of what i was saying without the distractions.

and no, i'm not going to link to anyone from my site. i'm not trying to promote anyone or anything----why would i when i'm not even promoting myself? i even feel kind of______(for lack of a better word) when people link to me on their blogs. my first thought is, okay that's great, but what's going to happen when one day i write about my rawest (is that a word?) thought and they don't like it? then will they unlink me? it's almost like pressure to perform or something. like they're telling their readers that they recommend this "great" blog. and i'm just writing about nothing, really. and i'm afraid that i'll go back to writing just to impress people (which i really, really, really don't want to do again).

okay i guess i really digressed.

some of my emails tell me that i must 'hate' myself, i 'need help' et cetera, et cetera. i don't agree at all. why? because i'm functioning. if i couldn't function in different social situations or if any of my insecure thoughts inhibited me from living life somehow, or made me some sick demented person, well then i could see getting help. just what exactly would 'help' do for me that i am not already doing? and what kind of help is that, exactly? since when is it not okay to have *thoughts* (besides dangerous, suicidal, or immoral)? i'm living life to the fullest of my ability. and i know for a fact that my thoughts are not any worse than MANY people. i've never struggled with depression or any type of mental illness which is a lot more than i can say for many people. i actually feel kind of proud of that fact. seems kind of rare these days for someone to not be on ANY meds at all. but yeah, that's me. i feel lucky that way.

i'm just saying what people think about all the time. this will sound cliche, but nobody is perfect. so no matter how politically correct you think you are, or how progressive you feel, if you blogged about the first thought that popped into your head, it would likely sound like the things i say.

akin

so, i have this female co-worker/kinda friend, who's involved in a live-in relationship with a he/she. that is, a guy who used to be a girl. both my co-worker and the he/she person have ISSUES from their past. like, they both grew up with screwed up parents in dysfunctional homes with abuse and abandonment, drugs use, and everything in between.

aside from all that, my (white) co-worker has a young child with a black man, who is a total deadbeat, pot-smoking, duii-convicted, loser. he's just barely in the picture, and when he is, it's a headache. anyhow, i got to thinking about the young daughter my co-worker has, and how this bi-racial (maybe i should just say black) girl is being raised in such a chaotic lifestyle.

my first thought, and i have to be honest here, was: that poor little black girl. yah, it's sad for any child to grow up in some weird kind of lifestyle with parents that have issues. but to me, if the child were white, i might stop for a minute and say 'so sad for that child...' and then keep going. but to me, it's sadder that that child is a little black girl, raised by two white people (who can't truly relate to her black side -the side which she'll need the most relating-no matter how hard they try) who are in a very non-traditional lifestyle/relationship. and i can't really put a finger on why exactly i feel so strongly that the part about her being black is so distressing to me.

maybe it's because i remember what it was like to be confused and feel out of place because i didn't quite fit in with the "real" black people or many of the white people (well, i seemed to fit in with the white people a little more for a while, but that's a different post. plus, even though i fit in more with my white friends, i still didn't trakinuly relate to them as much). and i'm not biracial and didn't come from a wacky home environment.

or maybe i just think that there are enough issues with black children without having one in the mix of that environment. but even those reasons doesn't really explain why i feel the way i do.

diversity

lately i've spent a lot of time lurking on local portland forums discussing the portland public school issue. trying to figure out which public school to send your child to, to me, is like staring down at several piles of dirt and picking the one that seems the least dirty. that is, unless you're privileged enough to live in one of the wealthier nabes where the parents can donate money to school programs.

but on these forums, it's a trip because parents of the mostly white, wealthy public schools will say things like, 'we love the school, but it's just not very diverse', or 'we want more diversity!'. i kept reading that phrase over and over from parents of those "whiter" schools. they want diversity!! but do they really? a couple thoughts came to my mind:

first, it's funny to think that just by me (or anyone black) being in a crowd of white people automatically makes the environment diverse. wow. just by plopping a handful of ethnic kids into a room of white people creates a "diverse" school.

and the thing that really gets me is that i seriously doubt they REALLY want diversity other than a few token ethnic kids. probably a handful more of black students in the school might satisfy their "need" but they know well and good that if their school suddenly flip flopped and became 90 percent black and 8 percent white, most of those parents would shudder and run for the hills and private schools.

why do they claim they want diversity so bad anyway? like black people are just interesting to watch and be around-we inherently provide instant culture? would those parents want to associate and befriend the other black students? do they have black friends? or do they just want them there so that their child can "experience culture" simply by gawking the black students in the classroom ? does it make the school complete?

from what i've heard from other black people who went to mostly white schools with only a handful of other black students, the white students did not include them as much, the black people had their little unit and they all stuck together. i guess it must make somebody (administrators?) feel good to say that there is diversity in their school, but i think that's about it.

and then i thought about the school my son attends. in my mind, i don't think of diversity as being just a bunch of black people. like, people think that a school that's mostly black is diverse. how is that diverse? as if blacks and hispanics alone epitomize diversity. the school my son goes to is like 8 percent white and then mostly black and hispanic with like 2 percent asian. the white parents who have kids there are always raving about how they love the diversity. okay, but is 8 percent white really diversity? i'm not necessarily advocating for more white people to join the school(well maybe i am?) but to be fair, diversity would be closer to an equal number of all different ethnicities. white people at our school are the minority.

i would have a hard time sending my son to a school where the black /multiracial kids only amounted to 8 percent. yet the white parents at my son's school seem to like being the 8 percent minority. go figure that.

levels

portland grocery stores seem to have adopted the wanna-be-whole-foods thing, i.e. painting their stores earthy colors i guess justify charging an arm-and-a-leg for generic items, hoping you wont notice as they try to compete with whole paycheck foods and new seasons. i'm not buying it though. i used to shop at my neighborhood safeway until i bought 4 tomatoes on the vine and it cost me 4.99. seems like we're all just paying for their remodel job a couple years back.

anyhow, i started shopping at winco a couple years ago because they have LOW prices. it was really hard for me at first to shop there. first of all, the people who shop there are different from who you see at the other stores (well, except for me of course :). i guess on some subconscious level when i'd see well dressed, well groomed shoppers at the other stores, it made ME feel better about who i was--afterall, i WAS shopping among upperclass people, it reassured me that i was like them...

but at winco, i'd see a lot of welfare moms (and please don't ask how i know they're welfare moms-you just know), immigrants, and generally more trashy people than what you might see at new seasons or whole foods or even safeway. i mean hey, it's affordable. but when i first started going there, i felt uncomfortable. like, i wasn't on that level, i didn't want to be lumped together with all the hoodrats, babymamas and illegals. i felt like by shopping there it made me one of "them". and then i was thought: maybe i was one of them and just didn't know it? people could see how well groomed and non-welfarish and clean i was, couldn't they? what if they didn't?

i no longer feel that way, as money talks a little bit louder than pride. but tonight i was reminded of those feelings i used to have when went there to get food and stuff for our mega superbowl party on sunday. it's the beginning of the month so of course i saw all these young , single moms and downtrodden folks with carts topped to the rim with things like hot dogs, cookies, cheetos, sugary kool-aid-in-the-gallonjug, fruit loops and other stuff like that. i guess that's another post i'll save for another day.

names

i finally picked out a new dentist. you might remember several posts ago i talked about a new, black dentist who had taken the place of my old dentist. i thought about it long and hard. yeah, i had some funky issues about a successful black dentist digging around in my mouth, but i decided that mainly it was about wanting someone with more experience. i may have chosen to go with the black dentist if he had more experience, but he didn't.

why should i feel guilty or, like i'm not giving a brother a chance? it's strictly business. my first inclination was to feel guilty. but i'm not going to, because i have the right to have a dentist with more experience.

so, i hope this doesn't sound bad. i called the dental office last week to schedule an appointment, as i had much needed work to be done on my teeth. i explained that i didn't really want the replacement, because i wanted someone with more experience. the receptionist named off two dentists. one of which had the last name of Nguyen. my first thought - and i hope this isn't too terrible- was that i wanted to go with the asian dentist. simply because almost all the asians i've known in my life seemed like perfectionists and also seemed smart.

and that's how i made my choice. isn't that a huge stereotype? that all asians are smart? is that offensive to an asian to say that i assumed they were smart simply by being asian? i thought about that for a while. it's a generalization, but isn't it a good generalization?? i have to be honest and say that if the stereotype for black people was that we were all say, hardworking and honest, even if it weren't true for everyone, i don't think i'd be offended by it.

i went to an online open forum that i frequent and asked the same question because i kinda surprised myself about the way i chose the dentist. when i called the office, i was just ready to take any ol' dentist with more experience -until i heard the last name.

MLK

i was invited to go check out a tribute to mlk today. can i just say that i (and probably others) might be more inclined to go it it weren't SO religious? i mean, i know dr. king was a reverend and all, but can't there be a tribute to him without feeling like i'm going to some southern baptist revival?

i am religious, but not in that way, and some people just flat-out aren't religious. however, they still might want to show their appreciation for all that he's done, but don't want to be force fed the gospel choir.


that's all.

expectations

i happen to really, really like this certain song by that old 80's band Motley Crue. i never even gave that group a thought until about 3 months ago when my husband turned the radio on while we were getting dressed and this song by motley crue was playing. and you know how when you're listening to the radio and a song comes on that you don't particularly like, you just tune it out? that's what i did until i realized that i was really liking this song by this weird, heavy metal band. it really rocks. but motley crue? i would have never thought i'd ever like any song by that band.

so, i went to work out at dishman community center here in portland. i had my husband download the song for me on my ipod to listen to when i work out. it's so loud in the weight room that no one can hear what i'm listening to and i was glad. i hate when people try to scrutinize my choice in music.

as my work out went on, i started to sweat. the sweat from my hairline was running down into my ears, causing my earbuds to slip. i decided to stop working out. as i walked out of the weight room, listening to this great song by motley crue, with my earbuds hanging loosely from my sweat, all these [black] heads turned and stared .

i was so embarassed! i'm guessing they could not only hear my loud earphones but what was playing on the earphones must have made them do a double-take once they saw me. i hurried to turn it down. i didn't want anyone there to hear what i was listening to. by the looks on their faces it seemed like like they expected me to be only listening to r&b or hiphop, of course.

i guess i just don't look like a heavy metal type of girl.

generalize

how do some people just make blankets statments like ' i could never date a [this race or that race] man or woman? i seriously don't get it. i had a small dinner party a few nights ago and us girls were sitting around the table talking. one of my newer friends (who is black), who is recently divorced started talking about some guy that she had been set up with. he's white.

so anyway, she's going on and on about things she didn't really like about the guy and just as my eyes started to glaze over she goes, ' i just don't think i could be with a white man'. first of all, isn't that kinda rude in my presence? i mean maybe i'm oversensitive when it comes to that because my husband is white. i don't know. but aside from that, why couldn't she be with a white man? do all white men smell like cheese? or, are they all square dorks? that's just as bad as me saying i could never date a black man. it's not any worse just because i happen to be black. sure, i think i have a preference for attractive white men, but that doesn't mean that any old dirty, dorky, ignorant white guy will do, just because he's white. and it doesn't mean that (if i were in the dating scene) i would totally rule out any other race.

i think alot of black women kind of stereotype white guys as being all stiff and dorky, etc., etc.,and some of them are. but so are some black, asian and hispanic, too. no one's suggesting that you date the dorks of any race, unless you just want to.

it seems like such a tired cliche for black women to say that.--'i just don't think i ever could date a black man.' just because they're white. period. so even if the perfect package guy came along, she'd reject him because he's white? i personally find it hard to believe any woman that says that they think a whole race of people are unattractive.

people should be clear on what they mean when they say things like ' i could never date a white man' . why not just say, 'my preference is black, but any decent guy that's got A, B, and C, is worthy trying out? or, this person is just not my personality type? attractive is atractive (and i'm not just talking about looks). and yeah, you can obviously have your preference (who doesn't?), but to just rule out a whole race?

that's so racist, and somehow it's okay to say it to other black women, as if we all will understand. like we expect each other to say that. and i know if i heard of a group of white women or men sitting around talking about how 'they could never date a black woman', i'd be kinda pissed and think they were idiots.

flawed

i went to a fabulous christmas party on christmas eve. it was one of those parties that you see on tv, where everyone is "cool" and basically the kind of party you WANT to be invited to. the couple actually doesn't live too far away from my neighborhood. i had a great time but couldn't help wondering how much money, or how little money these people had. these people are my friends, i guess i can call them that by now. we're not close, but we're friends.

i keep trying to convince myself that they are just in debt. who cares. anyone can finance a bunch of crap to furnish a house on credit. i kept telling myself things like: well, if they were so well off, their kitchen and bathroom would have been more updated, despite the fact that all of their things were nice and new. things and cars don't mean a whole lot to me. anyone can use a charge card. all the furniture and appliances were really plush and nice. but the kitchen and the bath kind of reminded me the "status level" of my house. but this couple is always travelling, has two fancy cars, nice things, which makes me think they have money. but i kept looking for ways to convince myself otherwise.

why do i care? why was i obsessing over it (okay, not obsessing but it crossed my mind several times that night). i have a major personality flaw when it comes to that kind of thing. i totally recognize it. and i don't think i can do anything about it. i think it's just in my genes.

maybe it's some "self-help" mechanism that my brain kicks in so that i don't feel bad about what i have or have not accomplished? are other people like this? i just assume that most everyone else is like this too, and so i have a hard time throwing parties with people i don't know well. i assume they are sizing me up like i size them up.

weight

i feel like there just aren't enough black people who are real concerned with eating healthy. i know, i know, everybody eats whatever they want around this time of year. truth is, people eat crap all year long but around the holidays it's justified.

but i keep running into black women around town, at work, etc. who are kinda hefty in the weight department. the thing is, why are black women so proud of being big? of having a 'big ol' butt'? there is a fine line between being at a healthy weight and being overweight/obese. but i keep hearing black women that i come into contact with talk about their size like a) that's just part of being black, and/or b) it can't be helped.

it seems like when we (as americans) are urged to slim down because the obesity rates are rising, that some black women don't feel like that includes them. i mean, of course grossly obese black women know that they need to do something. but i'm talking about women who are like 30 to 50 pounds overweight. that still makes a difference! i'm not even advocating being a stick figure. that's not attractive. i'm talking about being the ideal weight for height.

i know this sounds bad but i've always sort of prided myself on the fact that my body is slim and trim, that i've been a size 4/6 since highschool (not including pregnancies-but yes, even afterwards!). the big ol' butt gene was never passed down to me, and frankly, i'm GLAD. i don't like the way big butts look- black thing, or not. am i expected to just because i'm black? i think i stand out and that is one of the reasons why. i know those with the big butts can't help it. if they like it, fine. but keep the extra weight off. sure, i see other black women who are in shape, but for the most part, many of them that i come into contact with are overweight. i know that's one of the reasons why i don't seem/act/look like the stereotype. i try to take care of myself and it shows, not getting caught up in this is how i'm supposed to look because i'm black/this is the fattening soul food i should eat because i'm black and that's what we do.

black women who are overweight really need to wake up. it's not healthy. it's not just the 400 lb women. that's obvious to everyone that it's an unhealthy state. again, i'm talking about extra weight that our culture calls "thick". you know, because the black men like it. whatever. they're not the ones who are at risk of heart disease.

corrected

i stand corrected on this. maybe someone there read my post? i was shocked as i drove by the lloyd center theatre to see "American Gangster" (starring Denzel Washington) showing there. i have always kept an eye out on black films (or films that feature black actors) to see whether they were played at the mall theatre which i hated, or the other bigger theatre, so i wasn't just jumping to conclusions on a whim when i wrote that post.

either way, maybe things are changing.

common

i have this really great black girlfriend at work. i think she's cool because she wears her hair totally natural. it's not an afro; it's kind of just...there. she'll sometimes twist parts of it and then untwist it and just leave it hanging. i think she's awesome because she literally doesn't care what ANY one thinks. she's from the Bronx, new york and she's just...cool. she has a lot of guts to wear her hair the way she does. she's not even trying to make a statement. she's just natural.

so, yesterday, i was sitting around chatting with 3 white women and a different black woman with relaxed hair. the black woman jokingly says (in front of, and talking to me and the other white women) 'i seriously just want to take a flat iron and straighten her [the "natural" woman] hair. just once! that hair!' giggling the whole time.

that made me sick. i tried my best to defend my friend without making it an uncomfortable "thing". the woman who said these remarks is in her early 20's, where my "natural" friend is in her early 30s. i spoke up and said, "what's wrong with her hair??? it's her natural hair. you know, your hair would look like that too if you left yours natural" i kept it sweet and smiled while i spoke to keep it friendly but i could tell she was embarassed. she tried to make it better by saying, "well um, i mean, i just want to see what it would look like straight". so i spoke up again. i said, "i know that she'shas relaxed her hair in the past, and she chooses not to use chemical straighteners. i think she's just in a different 'place' than where you might be'". (major understatement considering this young, uneducated, unwed mom) she agreed and shut up about it.

but see people, my point is this: there are countless black women who think exactly like that. she had the nerve to say all this in front of all those white women. what does that say to them? i'm always defending the things i talk about here on my blog. people comment about me as if i'm the only black woman feeling these so-called feelings of self-hate, like i'm some freak-of-nature black woman feeling the way i do. as far as i'm concerned, the way i feel is just par for the course. it just comes with being black in america. and there are a lot of black women who are way worse than i am. at least i'm not as ignorant as my co-worker talking about hair straightening. although i care way too much what people think of me and the way i look, i at least know better. i know that the that the way i think is skewed a little when it comes to the whole black experience. i would never (especially in front of white people) talk about negative black issues.

i totally envy people like my "natural "friend who are brave enough to wear her hair natural. she doesn't even think twice while she's at her desk twisting or untwisting her hair. not even a little. how did I go wrong?

i thought about the conversation last night, and what it really meant, and how i reacted to that other black woman at work. and i realized that throughout my entire life i've heard other black women talk about skin color- who's lighter, who's darker, and the negativity associated with dark-skinnedness. i've also heard comments my whole life about hair. who has good hair, who doesn't. i've heard these type of comments from black women, and those comments scream of self-hate. if you are black, you know what i'm talking about. this is not new. but my point is this. i am DEFINITELY far from being the only black woman talking and thinking the way i do. my personal feelings are unique to me, but every single black woman who talks about good hair or light skin might as well write a "self hating" blog too, because they are just as bad as people think i am. AND THERE ARE A JILLION OF THEM.

reactions to comments and OPEN thread

i think i've said this before, that i don't know how *not* to be .... "self-hating". that's not really the word i would use, but for lack of a better one, i did.

people always comment on my posts that i make them sick, i'm shameful, etc. my thoughts really are: how is this MY fault? i've done nothing but grow up in portland oregon among a majority of white people.

the things i blog about are a combination of my experience living in portland as a black person, and my personality. so, some things i say sound "off". i've been accused of hating being black and hating other black people. and the people who criticize me fail to realize that i'm only a product of my environment. i've traveled and been to other places but portland is where i grew up. where my views were shaped.

a few commenters recommended counseling. for what? where? i've never heard of counseling to help black people appreciate being black. have you? if so, please enlighten me. other than that type of non-existent counseling, i really am an O.K. person. no need for therapy here. for me, growing up in a place like portland and trying to have a sense of pride about being black and my culture was/is like trying to swim upstream against the current.

portland oregon is not the type of city where we're surrounded by tons and tons of successful black people. how can i *not* grow up and have sort-of this white mentality and then feel a little conflicted when i look in the mirror and see someone black? and then think negatively about black people that i see acting different from me and feeling like somehow i'm supposed to have a connection with them because we share the same race?

people who criticize me on this blog seem to think that having a sense of black pride about my hair, my features, my race, my culture should just be inherent. like that comes naturally. well, i'm proof that it doesn't. especially in a place like portland. things that i think and blog about might seem incredible to someone who lives in a place like Atlanta or Texas where black people are bursting at the seams, but it's different in a place like portland. granted, portland is slowly becoming home to more and more people of color BUT it still has a long way to go AND during the younger years of me growing up, it really was very white and one-dimensional.

commenters say that i contradict myself-that i preach about people being racist and judgemental but my posts are just that. what i blog about are my feelings. i'm not writing a book here. my feelings are just my feelings. and usually the feelings i blog about stay in the blog. this is my outlet for the way i interpret my world.

green

i went to the dentist a few days ago. when i made the appointment over the phone, the office failed to tell me that my dentist no longer worked there. i know it's a little thing in the grand scheme of things, but i was furious. i adored my dentist. and i don't like going to the dentist anyways. i had gotten used to him and i considered myself loyal, since he "knows" my mouth.

the staff apologized for forgetting to tell me, and asked if i wanted to at least meet the new replacement dentist. i debated it for a few minutes and finally, decided that i would. they told me that he was 'really nice', just out of dental school (literally) and i'd probably like him. um, okay.

so, i'm sitting in the chair, and here comes this young, BLACK man. a black dentist! here in portland? this was a first for me. times must be changing because in the last 3 months i've had a black doctor and now a black dentist for the first time in my life. wow. i was stunned and impressed. i think it would be way too weird to have a black dentist.

actually, it was awkward. although i was impressed that he was a black dentist, i didn't really want him digging around in my mouth. mainly because he was so green. but also because....well, we're both black, and i just felt kind of embarassed to have another professional black person looking around in my mouth (and a black man, at that). i think i had such a high regard for him because of being a black professional and i was so in awe. i know he's a dentist and that's what he does, but still.

plus, i just really liked my previous dentist.

i think whenever i've gone to white dentists during my life, i didn't care much about what they thought about the state of my mouth and teeth. i mean, don't white people (and dentists too) already subconsciously think negatively about black people anyway?

so, i felt so conflicted. do i give this young, black dentist a chance? or stay loyal to my previous dentist? i didn't want to because he was so green. but i also felt like i should give this new, young dentist a shot BECAUSE he's black and i want to support a black professional. would he think less of me once he saw all the fillings in my mouth? i think that's what i was most afraid of.

so, he heard through the office "grapevine" that i was apprehensive about him working on my mouth because i didn't know him. he sat down and started to tell me about himself. he was so young. i told him a little bit about myself, too. i honestly didn't think he cared at all. why should he? yet i wanted to know about him. was he from portland? did he have kids? i explained to him, that i wanted to reschedule. i told him that it wasn't anything personal, it was just that i hadn't planned on a brand new dentist today and it was a lot to take in. he said that was fine.

i left the office and told them i'd call them to reschedule once i had a chance to look at my calendar. it's been almost a week and i haven't called back. i want my old dentist. i keep trying to justify it in my head with the fact that he's so green.

shaved (edited)

i don't know how else to begin this post but to just say that i get really, really nervous when i see white guys around portland with shaved heads. i haven't yet had the chance to have this conversation with any other black people but i wonder if they get nervous like i do.

maybe because portland oregon is so close to the white supremacy meccas like idaho and, even somewhere in oregon perhaps? all i know is, i don't like that haircut. as far as i'm concerned, if you're a white man, and you are not tied to some ary*n nation type stuff, please don't wear your hair that way. it can be very unnerving for black people like me. and i don't just mean shaved, as in military style, or crew cut. i'm talking about that whole look. it looks like 90's grunge with closer-than-close shaved hair, maybe a goat-tee, and even possibly some boots. is there some social group other than the ary*n nation that just thinks this look is cool? i've seen white guys like this before, and gotten really nervous only to later see them chatting and being friendly with someone black. so, i don't think that everyone who looks like that is some racist skinhe*d but that look is just too misleading.

the other day as i was picking up my child from school, there was a group 3 men standing together waiting for one of their kids. i'd never seen them before, either. but they all had shaved heads. my imagination started to go wild until i realized that they were in the 'hood, there were three of them but a ton of us. they weren't there to do anything crazy, but still. it just makes me feel uncomfortable, 'cuz you never know.

edited to add:

obviously i need to clarify. it's not a shaved head alone. i actually like the close-cuts. i'm referring to the whole package-the shaved head along with say, a hooded sweatshirt,or army-type jacket and black boots. get the picture? weirdly enough, there are white men who choose to dress this way for fashion(?) reasons and are not affiliated with any racist supremecist groups. i have to wonder why people would dress that way when it's so similar to a hate group. and so YES, that look does scare me.