conversations

so, i've been in two recent conversations that kind of bugged me. there were two scenarios where white people around me felt the need to relate their experiences with their parents' racism. why would i want to hear some nasty comment your parents said about black people?

and the whole reason the story is ever being told by the white person is to get some kind of brownie points  with me or another black person. i guess they are trying to make themselves appear noble and righteous or something.

 i was at work a couple weeks ago when this really dark skinned indian  woman in her 40s(from india) was gushing over her new boyfriend. she's telling about 4 other people in the break room how great he is. and for some reason that i can't remember, she starts talking about how she was raised, and how growing up, she was told by her father that there were specific types of people she was not allowed to date. she could not date chinese people, she could not date this person, or that person, and then she says, "....and no colored people". i almost choked on my air. first of all, what color was SHE? she surely wasn't white. she is a person of color!! but i just thought, that that conversation was kind of offensive in the first place. second of all, "colored"? really? i'm surprised she didn't say negro. jeez. my vindictive side told me that i could pursue it by hitting up HR and letting them know of the conversation. but i just figured...why bother. all it will do is make me look like the stereotypical angry, oversensitive black female.

and then, last week, i was with some white girlfriends doing happy hour. one of them, who is married to a mixed man (he's mixed with white and black) starts talking about how when she first started dating him, her mother said, "why would you do that to you (future) children?! why would you want to make your life harder?"

*sigh* here we go. this conversation again. why would i want to hear this? why do white people think it's okay to have this conversation with me or anyone black nearby? i guess because she went ahead and married the guy so somehow she gets a pass? maybe they don't think i'm a "real" black person because i act intelligent/have straightened hair/light skinned/speak properly/whatever.  it still makes me feel bad. all it does is keep reminding me that so many people have not changed.

hypocrisy

wow, it's been a while. i find myself being in really bloggable situations and i think to myself, "omg, i MUST blog about this". but i'm at work or whatever and get distracted and forget. so here it is several months since my last post and something has bothered me so much that i haven't forgotten.

first i kind of want to vent. i've been so bummed. silly me, for the last several years thinking that times had REALLY changed. you know, with a black man being in the white house and all. and you know, i keep hearing about white people becoming the minority soon. but now, it seems like suddenly things are not so progressive. i feel like i've seen more racism (  white on black) than i ever have. and i feel like since we've had a black president, white people  feel insecure. like they're losing their "place" in the world. i feel like it's a trickle down effect from the government even down to the average joe working a blue collar 9-5.

maybe i've been really naive and my eyes have finally been opened. i'm not sure why i've noticed so much blatant racism during a time where things are supposed to be so progressive. but i honestly don't recall seeing it so much before Obama was president.

what about you? is it just me? i'm really curious to hear your experiences.

also, i 'm am so annoyed by the hypocrisy in the media about racism. like, someone white will call someone a nigger and EVERYONE in the media ( news anchors, reporters, celebrities, etc), all shake their head and act like they can't imagine ever saying it, or knowing anyone who would say it, or even think it. but it's like: we keep hearing stories about this white person saying it, that white person saying it, but how come NO ONE white ever seems to know anything? or how come white people always act so shocked and appalled that another white person said it? how come no one ever seems to know who these people are?

the truth is, they all know people, likely family who call black people niggers in their mind at least, if not behind closed doors. plain and simple. they all front like, "oh my god! that's terrible that paula deen said that! how could she? *gasp*!" knowing good and well many white people still use that word. they just try to keep it on the down low. it's not politically correct to dislike anyone publicly anymore. and that's just what it boils down to. racism is very alive and well. ugh.

speak

i was sitting here trying to figure out which feels more natural- me speaking in my normal, everyday "white" sounding voice, or my "black" voice which comes out naturally when i'm tired or relaxed-if i want it to.  i was thinking about this because lately i've had to work with one of those white girls who obviously has a lot of black friends.  she's one of those whose voice has a little bit of a black "edge" to it. you know, that sound like she's from the deep south, but she's not. she also has an attitude. 

it's  weird for me to have a conversation with her, because i naturally sound the way that i sound-which is "white". but she's speaking to me the way she probably thinks i should speak. so, i feel a little self conscious while we're having a really interesting conversation because i feel like i should switch into black girl mode just for her sake. i mean, she's in that mode, shouldn't i join her? i don't let myself though because of the fact that she is white, regardless of how she sounds and i will not play into the stereotype.

i've done it before in that kind of situation, but for some reason, my "black" talking doesn't come natural! i literally sound like a white person trying to sound black, i guess because i feel like i'm "trying" or forcing something that i don't do in a professional work place.

what i mean to say is that it's not natural for me to talk comfortably "black" around white people. it's like my subconscious just wont even allow it. but, it is awkward when someone white wants to talk "black" to me.

grow

so i had an off site meeting for work recently, where i noticed other black employees. but there was  one particular black woman, around my age probably, who opened her mouth to talk loudly about her "hair" ( it was an obvious weave. funny how white people can't ever tell the difference) with a group of white girls.  i'm not sure why this black woman felt the need to explain to a group of about 5 white women how she maintains her weave, how she can't wash her hair as often as whites and then.........

what really got to me was that this black woman went on to say that 'us black people, our hair just doesn't really grow... so that's why WE wear weaves'. o...m...g.....i think i choked on my muffin. i could tell my looking at her that she felt like she was getting some kind of validation or approval or bonding with them somehow??? i wanted to speak up and say "no dear. YOUR hair doesn't grow...but MINE does". and the more i think about it, i want to kick myself for not saying anything, instead i just gave a dirty look that she probably never even saw. but the time and place for just jumping into someones conversation wasn't right. i didn't know those women and if i had  inserted myself into their conversation, it would have made me look like an idiot.

 but REALLY? none of us black people have hair that grows? seriously? and we ALL have to wear wigs and weaves? does that even sound right? well, i'm sure to underexposed white women it does. but  it's black people like her who give the rest of us a bad name. and then to make herself look even worse talking about how rarely she washes her hair. ugh. that's just so trashy.all the white women were oooooh-ing and aaaaaah-ing, which i'm sure made her feel SO special.

i have never worn a weave. i don't even know where i'd go to get a weave. and my hair? like tons and tons of black girls everywhere-grows and grows and grows. and i wash my hair often. not every day, but before it gets gross and stinky. and i would never sit around acquaintance co-workers discussing my personal hygiene- as if they're somehow NOT going to secretly look down on me and assume that about any other new black girl they meet.

so thanks a lot, miss chickenhead, for reaffirming the stereotype without even thinking about it.