today i happened to be driving over on alberta street, you know, the new Alberta Arts district? i get thrown for a loop everytime i go over there now. it used to be (not that many years ago, pre-gentrification) that all you'd see was black faces.
so it's kinda weird to see so many white faces at the bus stops, walking, and sitting out at the restaurants without a scared look on their face. but then, why should they be scared anymore-most of the so-called scary black people are gone.
10 years ago you probably couldn't pay a white person to hang out over there, let alone live in that neighborhood. now they claim it like it's gold. but, what's new when it comes to people with money (thus power). when they find something they like, they take it over, to hell with anyone else.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Friday, April 20, 2007
reverse psychology
i watched an old episode of "The Sopranos" last night on A&E. carmela said something to tony that made me think a little deeper about my last post. their young daughter was starting to date a half jewish and half black boy and tony had a fit. carmela told tony that the more he made a stink about it, the more he would push his daughter right into the young boy's arms.
couple of things. i had this conversation with my dentist, whose wife is black. he started dating black women because he came from a hick town with no black people and his mother was always bad talking black people in front of him. that created a natural curiosity about black people. were they really as bad as he had been led to believe? and then, BAM. he fell in love with one. the same type of thing happened with my husband. and in high school, i distinctly remember "play" dating a white boy, and when it seemed to get "serious", his friend told me that his father was totally racist. this white boy that i was hanging out with was always dating black girls. go figure.
i've seen that a lot though. so it made me think of my conversation with my son's schoolmate's mom. i mean, what better way to insure your kids don't marry someone of a different race (if one is so inclined) than to put them into a school with lots and lots of diversity. i guess it's kinda reverse psychology. i mean, if a kid goes to a school with lots of people unlike himself, he's unlikely to be so curious and seek them out. they wont seem so interesting.
i've thought about this with my son. i think i blogged about it before, when i was toying with the idea of putting him into private schools way out somewhere, outside the close-in city. i decided against it for now, because of all the black boys that i knew of growing up whose parents decided to either live someplace like lakeoswego or beaverton, or to send them to school way out, they had a hard time. the thing was, the black boys had a great time in school until the typical teenage years when lots of boys, even white boys want to listen to rap and hiphop and be cool. but the black boys, they didn't quite know how to act and felt like they were missing out on being "black" in the hood. so they'd start coming over to NE portland, hanging out with the WRONG crowd, but not seeming to know the difference. i guess they figured when they hung out with a thug, that was just "being black".
anyway, long story short, those black boys, the ones whose parents had made such painstaking efforts to keep them away from the hood, were the ones who got into serious trouble. so with my son, i figure, he will be raised in a stable home, read books, have both parents around, etc, etc. even in his class now there are kids who don't come from the most stable home.
as he gets older and sees drug activity and bad behavior, etc., hopefully it wont seem so exciting or intriguing to him.
couple of things. i had this conversation with my dentist, whose wife is black. he started dating black women because he came from a hick town with no black people and his mother was always bad talking black people in front of him. that created a natural curiosity about black people. were they really as bad as he had been led to believe? and then, BAM. he fell in love with one. the same type of thing happened with my husband. and in high school, i distinctly remember "play" dating a white boy, and when it seemed to get "serious", his friend told me that his father was totally racist. this white boy that i was hanging out with was always dating black girls. go figure.
i've seen that a lot though. so it made me think of my conversation with my son's schoolmate's mom. i mean, what better way to insure your kids don't marry someone of a different race (if one is so inclined) than to put them into a school with lots and lots of diversity. i guess it's kinda reverse psychology. i mean, if a kid goes to a school with lots of people unlike himself, he's unlikely to be so curious and seek them out. they wont seem so interesting.
i've thought about this with my son. i think i blogged about it before, when i was toying with the idea of putting him into private schools way out somewhere, outside the close-in city. i decided against it for now, because of all the black boys that i knew of growing up whose parents decided to either live someplace like lakeoswego or beaverton, or to send them to school way out, they had a hard time. the thing was, the black boys had a great time in school until the typical teenage years when lots of boys, even white boys want to listen to rap and hiphop and be cool. but the black boys, they didn't quite know how to act and felt like they were missing out on being "black" in the hood. so they'd start coming over to NE portland, hanging out with the WRONG crowd, but not seeming to know the difference. i guess they figured when they hung out with a thug, that was just "being black".
anyway, long story short, those black boys, the ones whose parents had made such painstaking efforts to keep them away from the hood, were the ones who got into serious trouble. so with my son, i figure, he will be raised in a stable home, read books, have both parents around, etc, etc. even in his class now there are kids who don't come from the most stable home.
as he gets older and sees drug activity and bad behavior, etc., hopefully it wont seem so exciting or intriguing to him.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
coolness
i took my son to his schoolfriend's home today to play. they are a nice, white family, and they recently moved here from idaho. they haven't had a lot of time around other cultures until the last couple years. they think it's "neat" to be in such a diverse school. really? they think we are we all that NEAT? interesting.
we sat in her kitchen talking about the state of portland schools and what our plans for the kids next year might be. she told me about a conversation with a neighbor, who was proudly putting her kids into catlin gabel (a very, very, very white private school in beaverton) next year.
leslie (the woman whose house i was at), told me how she, in sort of a bragging way, told the other neighbor that she LOVED the diverse school that her child attends now, and how her kid was like only 1 of 3 white students in 20. she was bragging! i was impressed but kind of shocked. shocked that someone white would think it was "cool" to have their kid be the minority.
we sat in her kitchen talking about the state of portland schools and what our plans for the kids next year might be. she told me about a conversation with a neighbor, who was proudly putting her kids into catlin gabel (a very, very, very white private school in beaverton) next year.
leslie (the woman whose house i was at), told me how she, in sort of a bragging way, told the other neighbor that she LOVED the diverse school that her child attends now, and how her kid was like only 1 of 3 white students in 20. she was bragging! i was impressed but kind of shocked. shocked that someone white would think it was "cool" to have their kid be the minority.
Monday, April 16, 2007
bucket
when i go to work, i usually leave our main car at home for my husband. we work opposite hours so i leave him with the carseats and the big comfy ride for our kids. our second vehicle,a 13 year old car was a nice, older looking car until about 4 months ago. the husband was rushing home from work and sideswiped it on a pole coming out of his parking garage. it looks like crap now.
since we own it outright and only carry liability insurance on it, we left it that way. we both agreed that we didn't want to put $500 into it because of it's age. but now, i am so embarrased to be seen driving it. i haven't felt that way since i was in middle school going through the "embarrased-by-what-my-parents-drove" phase. in my 19 years of driving, i have never driven a "bucket". i know it's only our back-up commuter, but still. it is NO indication of where we live, our credit (we have perfect credit) or how irresponsible we might be. now, when i drive it to work, i park way far away so that other co-workers don't see it, or see me get out of it. there goes my "image".
when i'm driving it though, i feel so humbled. all the times that i saw someone driving a crappy, beat-up old car, and unwittingly made assumptions about their bad credit, no job, or irresponsibility, it has come back to bite me in the ass. i see people looking at my car, and i know they're probably thinking the same things i think of when i see people driving cars like mine. i don't even come close to what i probably look like driving that car.
look at that black girl in that bucket. she's probably on welfare with 5 kids and no husband and no car insurance. things are just not what they seem. i'm still learning to try and remember that.
since we own it outright and only carry liability insurance on it, we left it that way. we both agreed that we didn't want to put $500 into it because of it's age. but now, i am so embarrased to be seen driving it. i haven't felt that way since i was in middle school going through the "embarrased-by-what-my-parents-drove" phase. in my 19 years of driving, i have never driven a "bucket". i know it's only our back-up commuter, but still. it is NO indication of where we live, our credit (we have perfect credit) or how irresponsible we might be. now, when i drive it to work, i park way far away so that other co-workers don't see it, or see me get out of it. there goes my "image".
when i'm driving it though, i feel so humbled. all the times that i saw someone driving a crappy, beat-up old car, and unwittingly made assumptions about their bad credit, no job, or irresponsibility, it has come back to bite me in the ass. i see people looking at my car, and i know they're probably thinking the same things i think of when i see people driving cars like mine. i don't even come close to what i probably look like driving that car.
look at that black girl in that bucket. she's probably on welfare with 5 kids and no husband and no car insurance. things are just not what they seem. i'm still learning to try and remember that.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
the ethnic section
i should clarify. i have to say that when i wrote this post, i forget that people who dont live in portland also read this blog.
when i said that i didnt want to give my money to people who blatantly dislike black people, i should have said specifically THOSE STORE OWNERS. any black person in PORTLAND who has ever gone to the store Living Color knows EXACTLY what i'm talking about. i SINCERELY was not saying that all koreans don't like black people.
i had to go buy hair products today. actually, the one thing i wanted was some stuff to protect my hair when i use the flat iron. it's some spray stuff. here in portland, there are a few places to shop for black hair stuff, but i always feel like i'm going out of my way to get it. like, i can't just run up to the safeway near my house and get what i need. why is that?
i mean, i know that black people only account for about 7 percent of the population in portland, but that's still a chunk of black people who need hair products. i stopped going to the korean-owned stores several years ago. they have EVERYTHING in their stores, but i absolutely refuse to give my money to them. they have no customer service skills whatsoever (and don't care to ) and they're rude. there's no way i'm giving my money to people who blatantly dislike black people. why would i want to deepen their pockets? i know lots of black people go there, but whatever. that's on them.
so usually, unless i'm near a sally's beauty store, i go to fred meyer or target. fred meyer has a teeny, tiny section labeled "ethnic". and there are about 4 or 5 things- grease, pomade, relaxers and sheen sprays. NEWSFLASH: there's more to black hair care than grease and relaxers! i guess they figure that's the only thing we do to our hair-slap some grease on it and go. there's a limited amount of shampoo and conditioner. shampoo's not such a big deal- basically soap is soap (but hey, it would be nice to have some selection), but conditioner is made different for people of color. it has more moisturizers in it.
target was even worse. they've progressively decreased their supply. maybe it's that black people aren't buying those products there and that's why they've decreased it? or maybe black people don't buy black hair product there since they only carry the "token" products. catch-22.
all i know is, it's irritating. like, as far as our hair goes we're deduced down to a fraction of a shelf? there are a gazillion black products to be sold. i know they can't carry the whole inventory like Mid-K or Living Color or Sally's but come on. it's ridiculous.
when i said that i didnt want to give my money to people who blatantly dislike black people, i should have said specifically THOSE STORE OWNERS. any black person in PORTLAND who has ever gone to the store Living Color knows EXACTLY what i'm talking about. i SINCERELY was not saying that all koreans don't like black people.
i had to go buy hair products today. actually, the one thing i wanted was some stuff to protect my hair when i use the flat iron. it's some spray stuff. here in portland, there are a few places to shop for black hair stuff, but i always feel like i'm going out of my way to get it. like, i can't just run up to the safeway near my house and get what i need. why is that?
i mean, i know that black people only account for about 7 percent of the population in portland, but that's still a chunk of black people who need hair products. i stopped going to the korean-owned stores several years ago. they have EVERYTHING in their stores, but i absolutely refuse to give my money to them. they have no customer service skills whatsoever (and don't care to ) and they're rude. there's no way i'm giving my money to people who blatantly dislike black people. why would i want to deepen their pockets? i know lots of black people go there, but whatever. that's on them.
so usually, unless i'm near a sally's beauty store, i go to fred meyer or target. fred meyer has a teeny, tiny section labeled "ethnic". and there are about 4 or 5 things- grease, pomade, relaxers and sheen sprays. NEWSFLASH: there's more to black hair care than grease and relaxers! i guess they figure that's the only thing we do to our hair-slap some grease on it and go. there's a limited amount of shampoo and conditioner. shampoo's not such a big deal- basically soap is soap (but hey, it would be nice to have some selection), but conditioner is made different for people of color. it has more moisturizers in it.
target was even worse. they've progressively decreased their supply. maybe it's that black people aren't buying those products there and that's why they've decreased it? or maybe black people don't buy black hair product there since they only carry the "token" products. catch-22.
all i know is, it's irritating. like, as far as our hair goes we're deduced down to a fraction of a shelf? there are a gazillion black products to be sold. i know they can't carry the whole inventory like Mid-K or Living Color or Sally's but come on. it's ridiculous.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
culture
let me preface this post by saying that 99 percent of the time when it sounds like I'm dogging on my race, my intent is really to say, come on, black people. get it together. Lets change our image. Lets not be the ones who are supposedly bringing the neighborhood down. let's stop being the men from taking up so much prison space.
just bec i'm black doesn't mean i have to accept, like, agree with and embrace all of the black AMERICAN culture. people call me bougy (more on that later). can't i still be black without loving all of the black pop culture? the hip hop culture, seems to be only the American way to be black. Africans or black people around the world don't necessarily subscribe to the hip-hop culture the way so many black americans do.
i just had a conversation with my oldest of 4 brothers who lives in los angeles. surprisingly (although not terribly surprising), he mentioned some new neighbors who moved in to his apt complex next door. They are black. he couldn't really tell a whole lot except for he saw a few black guys with cornrows, baggy pants and oversized white t-shirts. my brother, sort of jokingly said, "How'd they get into this nice complex??". He wasn't saying that black people should not or could not be there, because obviously my brother lives there. but why do they have to LOOK like that? why do these guys INSIST on causing themselves to not be taken seriously? my brother was honestly concerned about whether they would bring down the complex.
the same thugs you see on the news committing crimes and whatnot are the ones dressed like that. so why do so many young black men (who may be decent guys) choose to look like that? i've seen that style of dress on black guys all over portland. no wonder white people are afraid of them. no wonder they can't get past the negative stereotypes.
i will NEVER allow my boys to dress like that. but, the way that my husband and i raise them, they probably wont even want to dress like that. my brother and i decided on a theory that the generation Xers who were raised in undesirable environment don't know anything different and are now raising their kids the same way. how can those parents do any better, when they're part of the problem. clothes don't make the man BUT clothes do un-make the man.
one day, i made it a point to observe the black men i saw around portland. probably 75 percent of all the black men I saw looked kinda scary. i'm sorry, but it's true. and i should point out that i'm mainly talking about the the generation Xers. Not that I'd be scared (because i know lots of black guys and they're great people). but i can understand why just the appearance of many of them would put someone who's not around black people on edge a little bit. take out the cornrows ( i think it's fine for black women, but black men??? it's just ghetto. what's wrong with a nice cut?). put on some pants that fit. take off the do-rag. stop dressing like the rap stars.
rap. it's negative and needs to be banned. people dress like the music they listen to. have you noticed? is there anything positive about rap? i'd like to know. the lyrics are filthy, the rappers promote the degradation of women, selling drugs, not working, not being family oriented BUT having multiple kids without being married, and the most important--having THINGS like escalades and shoes and watches and chains and gold teeth. what happened to promoting reading? working (honestly), education? marriage?
and this is what so many young black people aspire to be. sad. i dislike being associated with it. i love my heritage and all that, but i don't subscribe to much of the black pop culture.
just bec i'm black doesn't mean i have to accept, like, agree with and embrace all of the black AMERICAN culture. people call me bougy (more on that later). can't i still be black without loving all of the black pop culture? the hip hop culture, seems to be only the American way to be black. Africans or black people around the world don't necessarily subscribe to the hip-hop culture the way so many black americans do.
i just had a conversation with my oldest of 4 brothers who lives in los angeles. surprisingly (although not terribly surprising), he mentioned some new neighbors who moved in to his apt complex next door. They are black. he couldn't really tell a whole lot except for he saw a few black guys with cornrows, baggy pants and oversized white t-shirts. my brother, sort of jokingly said, "How'd they get into this nice complex??". He wasn't saying that black people should not or could not be there, because obviously my brother lives there. but why do they have to LOOK like that? why do these guys INSIST on causing themselves to not be taken seriously? my brother was honestly concerned about whether they would bring down the complex.
the same thugs you see on the news committing crimes and whatnot are the ones dressed like that. so why do so many young black men (who may be decent guys) choose to look like that? i've seen that style of dress on black guys all over portland. no wonder white people are afraid of them. no wonder they can't get past the negative stereotypes.
i will NEVER allow my boys to dress like that. but, the way that my husband and i raise them, they probably wont even want to dress like that. my brother and i decided on a theory that the generation Xers who were raised in undesirable environment don't know anything different and are now raising their kids the same way. how can those parents do any better, when they're part of the problem. clothes don't make the man BUT clothes do un-make the man.
one day, i made it a point to observe the black men i saw around portland. probably 75 percent of all the black men I saw looked kinda scary. i'm sorry, but it's true. and i should point out that i'm mainly talking about the the generation Xers. Not that I'd be scared (because i know lots of black guys and they're great people). but i can understand why just the appearance of many of them would put someone who's not around black people on edge a little bit. take out the cornrows ( i think it's fine for black women, but black men??? it's just ghetto. what's wrong with a nice cut?). put on some pants that fit. take off the do-rag. stop dressing like the rap stars.
rap. it's negative and needs to be banned. people dress like the music they listen to. have you noticed? is there anything positive about rap? i'd like to know. the lyrics are filthy, the rappers promote the degradation of women, selling drugs, not working, not being family oriented BUT having multiple kids without being married, and the most important--having THINGS like escalades and shoes and watches and chains and gold teeth. what happened to promoting reading? working (honestly), education? marriage?
and this is what so many young black people aspire to be. sad. i dislike being associated with it. i love my heritage and all that, but i don't subscribe to much of the black pop culture.
Monday, April 02, 2007
brown
according to my daughter, i am 'kinda brown' and my husband is 'not brown'. it's weird how kids notice and want to verbalize these things at such a young age. i didn't know he was paying any attention to skin color until last summer when we went to a popular kids watering hole in the Pearl district. the other little black kids were running around playing having a great time, and my son came out of the water saying she didn't want to play around the 'brown kids'. i was speechless. she didn't realize that she is brown too. i had a long discussion about it and told her that she was brown too. she didn't think so. i have no idea what that 's about. maybe it was just part of her being three years old.
now, she knows she's brown, but when we talk about it, she acts as if she doesn't really believe it, like she's just going along with whatever i'm telling her. i guess that's normal.
so lately, whens she's talked about my husband- her dad, he really notices that we are not the same skin color. she says that 'daddy is not brown'. and i'm [insert creative unknown adjective]
don't get me wrong. we truly don't have a race issue in our household. i know that there's so many issues behind why i tell my daughter this, and i would probably seem to contradict myself a couple times if i tried to list them.
now, she knows she's brown, but when we talk about it, she acts as if she doesn't really believe it, like she's just going along with whatever i'm telling her. i guess that's normal.
so lately, whens she's talked about my husband- her dad, he really notices that we are not the same skin color. she says that 'daddy is not brown'. and i'm [insert creative unknown adjective]
don't get me wrong. we truly don't have a race issue in our household. i know that there's so many issues behind why i tell my daughter this, and i would probably seem to contradict myself a couple times if i tried to list them.
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
buster
monday, one of the only managers in my department was leaving for the day and came to see me. he asked if i would keep an eye on some of the newbies hired recently and make sure they were doing their job. he told me that if any of them were screwing around, i was to tell them to get back to work and then let him know.
i gave a phony smile and said that i would.
yeah right. i'm not like that. i have no desire to be one of those employees. plus i'm not getting paid for that. there are already employees like that at my job who would have been happy to do the duty, but they weren't there that day. i like being friends with everyone at work. it would feel awkard telling my peers to 'get back to work'.
and then i started thinking about how at every job that i've ever had, there's always been a buster. someone who you could count on to run and tell the management if you're slacking, tardy, or screwing around.
the funny thing is, those employees were never black. always white. i've been a favored employee but that's where i draw the line. i've never known black employees to be the ones stepping on others to (try to) get ahead. and i'm not condoning screwing around at work, or not letting someone know when another employee's behavior is seriously affecting your job. i'm just talking about snitching for the sake of snitching. snitching because you just can, when it's not really your business. and i've known plenty more white people who've made others' secular life a lot harder than black employees have. it's just what i've noticed.
i'm not sure if not being a buster is a black thing, or if being a buster is kind of a white thing. i guess it works for them. but i don't think if /when black people do that, they'd have the same results or advantage.
i gave a phony smile and said that i would.
yeah right. i'm not like that. i have no desire to be one of those employees. plus i'm not getting paid for that. there are already employees like that at my job who would have been happy to do the duty, but they weren't there that day. i like being friends with everyone at work. it would feel awkard telling my peers to 'get back to work'.
and then i started thinking about how at every job that i've ever had, there's always been a buster. someone who you could count on to run and tell the management if you're slacking, tardy, or screwing around.
the funny thing is, those employees were never black. always white. i've been a favored employee but that's where i draw the line. i've never known black employees to be the ones stepping on others to (try to) get ahead. and i'm not condoning screwing around at work, or not letting someone know when another employee's behavior is seriously affecting your job. i'm just talking about snitching for the sake of snitching. snitching because you just can, when it's not really your business. and i've known plenty more white people who've made others' secular life a lot harder than black employees have. it's just what i've noticed.
i'm not sure if not being a buster is a black thing, or if being a buster is kind of a white thing. i guess it works for them. but i don't think if /when black people do that, they'd have the same results or advantage.
Friday, March 23, 2007
comparisons
the husband and i were invited over to his co-worker's home for dinner. our kids also used to go to school together. as far as the dinner was concerned, it was something i could take or leave. we have a pretty big social group already, and it's really not that important to me that our son play with their kid or not. but i was motivated to go mainly because i'm curious about people and i wanted to check out where they lived, how nice (or not) their house was, and just how they live in general. i think i was more curious about that than than being invited for dinner. and i have a tendency to take a look at someone and prematurely decide what type of house they probably live in and what type of life they lead. so it's kind of a little game i play with myself to see how wrong or right i was once we get there.
i feel like i need to see how other people live in order to be content with our life, our house, our financial situation. i feel like everyone has more money than we do, but at the same time i suspect our finacial situation appears different to others what it it really is. and i realized that of all our close friends that the husband and i hang out with, i've subconsciously managed to only keep friends that (that i perceive are on )our on our same (perceived) level of housing, finance, education, or LESS. like, i feel okay when i know that i have more of or the same things materially or financially as my friends. but i think i'd be too envious to have close friends that do better than us financially. like, i don't think my ego could handle it.
so, i was waaay wrong about these people. they have a much nicer house/home than what i expected. it didn't phase me, though, because it's a lot like our house. you'd think by now i'd have learned not to judge a book by it's cover. i think maybe that's a personality flaw because i do it all the time. but doesn't everyone?
i feel like i need to see how other people live in order to be content with our life, our house, our financial situation. i feel like everyone has more money than we do, but at the same time i suspect our finacial situation appears different to others what it it really is. and i realized that of all our close friends that the husband and i hang out with, i've subconsciously managed to only keep friends that (that i perceive are on )our on our same (perceived) level of housing, finance, education, or LESS. like, i feel okay when i know that i have more of or the same things materially or financially as my friends. but i think i'd be too envious to have close friends that do better than us financially. like, i don't think my ego could handle it.
so, i was waaay wrong about these people. they have a much nicer house/home than what i expected. it didn't phase me, though, because it's a lot like our house. you'd think by now i'd have learned not to judge a book by it's cover. i think maybe that's a personality flaw because i do it all the time. but doesn't everyone?
Sunday, March 18, 2007
"facts"
friday i went to see an opthamologist at the Casey Eye institute (which by the way is a great place). i have this mild eye condition so i was discussing that with the doctor. he says, "yeah.... for some reason it's really common among blacks". i don't know why the way he said "blacks" instead of "black people" sounded so offensive to me. but it just did. i guess it sounded so formal, like just by him saying "BLACKS" i could tell that he didn't have any black friends. totally.
but how did he know that? is that just some random fact he had been told? some statistic he was told about?
i always cringe when someone on the news says things like these:
"african americans are at high risk for high blood pressure"
"african american women are the highest at risk for HIV"
"african americans are at high risk for diabetes".
i hear that kind of so-called information a lot. and there is never any specific study given or date or by whom it was conducted. the media just tells us all this and we're supposed to go, "oh. okay. that must be true and factual because the news says that some study somewhere was conducted".
are those "studies" accurate? how did they test every single black american to know that we're at high risk for this or that? is it determined by the percentage of black american with insurance that actually go to the doctor? what percentage of black people is that? and i'm not saying that it's not true that black people are at risk for this or that. i'm just saying that there is such a thing called propaganda and you shouldn't just make a statement without providing details.
i actually can't recall someone reporting that whites are at risk for this or that. can you recall it? i always hear about the minorities that are at risk for this or that.
hmmm. white people must be pretty darn healthy and black people must not be.
but how did he know that? is that just some random fact he had been told? some statistic he was told about?
i always cringe when someone on the news says things like these:
"african americans are at high risk for high blood pressure"
"african american women are the highest at risk for HIV"
"african americans are at high risk for diabetes".
i hear that kind of so-called information a lot. and there is never any specific study given or date or by whom it was conducted. the media just tells us all this and we're supposed to go, "oh. okay. that must be true and factual because the news says that some study somewhere was conducted".
are those "studies" accurate? how did they test every single black american to know that we're at high risk for this or that? is it determined by the percentage of black american with insurance that actually go to the doctor? what percentage of black people is that? and i'm not saying that it's not true that black people are at risk for this or that. i'm just saying that there is such a thing called propaganda and you shouldn't just make a statement without providing details.
i actually can't recall someone reporting that whites are at risk for this or that. can you recall it? i always hear about the minorities that are at risk for this or that.
hmmm. white people must be pretty darn healthy and black people must not be.
Friday, March 16, 2007
therapeutic
i don't know why i'm getting bashed so much on this blog. people act like it's a cardinal sin to state my feelings- like the post about the tipping. what's so wrong about saying that i don't LIKE tipping? the fact of the matter was that i DID tip. i don't like paying taxes either, but i do. regardless of all the thoughts in my head that led up to me deciding to leave a tip, i did the right thing.
but who doesn't ever think something less than favorable before acting or saying the opposite? you're lying if you say that you don't. yet when i write what i feel, and not necessarily what i actually did, i get reamed.
i'm past that though. that's why i started this blog in the first place. everyone writes for their readers. everyone puts on the comfortable, ideal, shiny side of themselves into their blog and leaves out the ugly. nobody wants to showcase the ugly and risk peoplethinking knowing they're not perfect or that they don't always think happy thoughts about everyone else.
the upside of this all is how therapeutic writing and getting responses is. of course any blog can get responses. but with regard to race in particular, the responses and emails are amazing usually and let me know i'm not the only one with my feelings...
but who doesn't ever think something less than favorable before acting or saying the opposite? you're lying if you say that you don't. yet when i write what i feel, and not necessarily what i actually did, i get reamed.
i'm past that though. that's why i started this blog in the first place. everyone writes for their readers. everyone puts on the comfortable, ideal, shiny side of themselves into their blog and leaves out the ugly. nobody wants to showcase the ugly and risk people
the upside of this all is how therapeutic writing and getting responses is. of course any blog can get responses. but with regard to race in particular, the responses and emails are amazing usually and let me know i'm not the only one with my feelings...
Monday, March 12, 2007
motivations
i don't always do things with the purest motives sometimes. the husband and i received a gift certificate from someone we did business with for a restaurant we had never been to, Saylers Old country kitchen. since it's not a restaurant we had heard much about, we thought we'd save it for when we were really broke.
so this past weekend, we were pretty broke. i looked at their online menu and decided that maybe it wasn't that bad of a restaurant. we spent 50 dollars on dinner which the gift certificate covered. as i said, we were pretty broke and it would have been a totally FREE meal except for then we had to leave a tip. or did we? of course we had to. the husband didn't think much tip was necessary. he doesn't care what anyone thinks.
at this point, it was (to me) only about what people think, since i didn't really care about paying the server's salary. she was a good server and all, no complaints here, but it's not like she buttered my french bread for me.
i determined that our tip should be about 10 bucks. we could afford that. but i just didn't really want to. i don't believe inpaying the salary of someone i don't know for work that they choose to get paid hourly to do, especially when they don't exceed my expectations tipping so much.
my ONLY motivator for leaving a good tip was the fact that we are an interracial couple and she probably expected us to NOT leave a tip. i was only trying to make it easier for the next black or interracial couple. other than that, if i had been white, i probably wouldn't have tipped or maybe just not so much.
so this past weekend, we were pretty broke. i looked at their online menu and decided that maybe it wasn't that bad of a restaurant. we spent 50 dollars on dinner which the gift certificate covered. as i said, we were pretty broke and it would have been a totally FREE meal except for then we had to leave a tip. or did we? of course we had to. the husband didn't think much tip was necessary. he doesn't care what anyone thinks.
at this point, it was (to me) only about what people think, since i didn't really care about paying the server's salary. she was a good server and all, no complaints here, but it's not like she buttered my french bread for me.
i determined that our tip should be about 10 bucks. we could afford that. but i just didn't really want to. i don't believe in
my ONLY motivator for leaving a good tip was the fact that we are an interracial couple and she probably expected us to NOT leave a tip. i was only trying to make it easier for the next black or interracial couple. other than that, if i had been white, i probably wouldn't have tipped or maybe just not so much.
Friday, March 09, 2007
full moon
i went to the lloyd center mall last night. i'm not a mall rat but i wanted to get out without the kids and shop for some clothes. when i got home, i wondered if i had been "punk'd". three situations happened within one hour that all involved strange black men. i thought about writing about how it only validates what white people think about black men, but no, i'm not going to go there right now. and then it dawned on me. everytime something really weird happens to me , i always ask (to noone in particular): is it a full moon or something? turned out last night really was.
this is the weirdest thing that has happened to me in a looong time. have you ever seen dave chappelle portray the crackhead? okay now picture a black man, on that level who came up to me at the mall and and asked:
" 'xcuse me sista, sista... i was wonderin' if you could help me....(holding a tablet with some letters on it), i was wonderin' if you could help me spell the word biscuit. do you know how to spell that word? can you tell me how to spell it?"
i looked at him like he was a mental case, and almost helped him. but then i thought that a) he probably knew how to spell biscuit,b) didn't really need to know how to spell biscuit, or c) was trying to pick me up or play some silly game.
i hesitated, and then said, "no. i don't know how to spell biscuit" and turned and kept walking.
then, i went into Forever21. there was a white girl there being "harassed" by a twenty-something black guy trying to pick her up. she was doing her best to ignore him but he was so in-her-face with it. saying things like "can i get your phone number girl?....well why not? come on girl.....if i had a hundred dollar bill, would you write your number on it?...." it went on and on. the white girl was trying to act annoyed but the fact that she stayed there smiling while she told him NO told me she thought it was cute on some level.
i was so irritated. within 10 minutes i had had two experiences with black men that were not positive. i gave him a dirty look, as if to say, look at you. you're the reason black men can't get rid of the stigma. what is wrong with you? does this look like a nightclub? you idiot. i rolled my eyes and walked the other way. then he started calling to me, asking why i was 'treatin' him like that, why did i need to roll my eyes'. he didn't have a clue. i was offended that i am forced to share the same race with an idiot like that. i know he doesn't really represent the entire black race but he basically put on a show for the entire store, i wonder if the next time someone in there encounters someone black would they automatically mentally put that person into a category with him?
then i went to the food court. i was ready to go home but i stopped to get something to eat for me and the husband. i went to the cajun grille and got in line. the black man in front of me was having some kind of difficult understanding the two asian men there. the asian men kept repeating themselves and sighing and rolling their eyes that this man couldn't understand what they were saying. it got kind of uncomfortable. and the black man kept turning around to look at me as if he expected me to nod or give a look that i understood his frustration. i was indifferent.
what was so weird was that other than these three experiences, i didn't have any type of converstion or interaction with anyone.
i've always said that i married a white man because i'm just more attracted to white men. but honestly, i don't think i'd have the strength to be married to a black man. black men put up with such bullshit, and the ones that really are decent and wealthy and educated still have it rough to some extent. i think it would be really hard to be the wife of a black man.
this is the weirdest thing that has happened to me in a looong time. have you ever seen dave chappelle portray the crackhead? okay now picture a black man, on that level who came up to me at the mall and and asked:
" 'xcuse me sista, sista... i was wonderin' if you could help me....(holding a tablet with some letters on it), i was wonderin' if you could help me spell the word biscuit. do you know how to spell that word? can you tell me how to spell it?"
i looked at him like he was a mental case, and almost helped him. but then i thought that a) he probably knew how to spell biscuit,b) didn't really need to know how to spell biscuit, or c) was trying to pick me up or play some silly game.
i hesitated, and then said, "no. i don't know how to spell biscuit" and turned and kept walking.
then, i went into Forever21. there was a white girl there being "harassed" by a twenty-something black guy trying to pick her up. she was doing her best to ignore him but he was so in-her-face with it. saying things like "can i get your phone number girl?....well why not? come on girl.....if i had a hundred dollar bill, would you write your number on it?...." it went on and on. the white girl was trying to act annoyed but the fact that she stayed there smiling while she told him NO told me she thought it was cute on some level.
i was so irritated. within 10 minutes i had had two experiences with black men that were not positive. i gave him a dirty look, as if to say, look at you. you're the reason black men can't get rid of the stigma. what is wrong with you? does this look like a nightclub? you idiot. i rolled my eyes and walked the other way. then he started calling to me, asking why i was 'treatin' him like that, why did i need to roll my eyes'. he didn't have a clue. i was offended that i am forced to share the same race with an idiot like that. i know he doesn't really represent the entire black race but he basically put on a show for the entire store, i wonder if the next time someone in there encounters someone black would they automatically mentally put that person into a category with him?
then i went to the food court. i was ready to go home but i stopped to get something to eat for me and the husband. i went to the cajun grille and got in line. the black man in front of me was having some kind of difficult understanding the two asian men there. the asian men kept repeating themselves and sighing and rolling their eyes that this man couldn't understand what they were saying. it got kind of uncomfortable. and the black man kept turning around to look at me as if he expected me to nod or give a look that i understood his frustration. i was indifferent.
what was so weird was that other than these three experiences, i didn't have any type of converstion or interaction with anyone.
i've always said that i married a white man because i'm just more attracted to white men. but honestly, i don't think i'd have the strength to be married to a black man. black men put up with such bullshit, and the ones that really are decent and wealthy and educated still have it rough to some extent. i think it would be really hard to be the wife of a black man.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
homeownership pride
not far from our house, there are two trailer parks. eww. so thankful to not live there, i always think. even though my house is less than a mile away, i'd like to think we are worlds away.
and i thought about the way most people on my block including myself go to lengths to keep our properties nice. i live on a street in a neighborhood which isn't the trendiest neighborhood, but parts of it are really neat with great houses. i think i've mentioned it before, but portland is funny in the way that one block can be really really nice, and the next one over could be totally shabby.
anyways, i'm proud of our little house. it's not all that. it needs some updating in places, but in comparison with other older homes around portland, it fits right in. when i buy a new peice of decor, or we fix something or remodel something, i'm proud to display it and i think of it as another notch on the belt making our house inviting and warm.
and then it occurred to me about people who live in the trailer parks. i guess they might also do little things to their trailer that they're proud of and show it off to their fellow trailer park neighbors. it's probably a big deal to them. and then here i am, driving by looking down on the park. i wonder if people who live in the suburbs of portland, like lake oswego, or somewhere where the neighborhoods are newer and the houses are bigger and nicer think the same thing if ever driving through my neighborhood.
look at those small, old houses. situated so close to each other. those poor, poor people in NE portland...
and i thought about the way most people on my block including myself go to lengths to keep our properties nice. i live on a street in a neighborhood which isn't the trendiest neighborhood, but parts of it are really neat with great houses. i think i've mentioned it before, but portland is funny in the way that one block can be really really nice, and the next one over could be totally shabby.
anyways, i'm proud of our little house. it's not all that. it needs some updating in places, but in comparison with other older homes around portland, it fits right in. when i buy a new peice of decor, or we fix something or remodel something, i'm proud to display it and i think of it as another notch on the belt making our house inviting and warm.
and then it occurred to me about people who live in the trailer parks. i guess they might also do little things to their trailer that they're proud of and show it off to their fellow trailer park neighbors. it's probably a big deal to them. and then here i am, driving by looking down on the park. i wonder if people who live in the suburbs of portland, like lake oswego, or somewhere where the neighborhoods are newer and the houses are bigger and nicer think the same thing if ever driving through my neighborhood.
look at those small, old houses. situated so close to each other. those poor, poor people in NE portland...
Friday, February 23, 2007
reaction
'Man, this version of Just Callin' It Like You See It is boggling my mind.
There are moments when i find your insights pretty interesting (most of us are not unaware that pdx is is the Great White Populace and it's instructive to hear another voice or voices). There're other moments when it's obvious that your own personal insecurities cloud the quality of thought, but it's your blog (hell yeah it is) so go for it on the merely-32-inch-tv and the afraid-to-meet-the-woman-on-the-phone threads. But something about this post is just so out there, so cynical and ill-toned, that I had to wonder if you ever read your own blog.
Lady, half of your posts revolve around perception and presumption and how puzzling and cruel they can be. Yet here you are dissing a room fulla whites because they had the wherewithall to attend a Black History Mo. screening. These people were interested enough to get their asses up to PCC for a screening and you're instantly dismissing them as granola-eating, White Guilt laden black history dilettantes who're watching whatever movie as a collective act of...condescension? This particular musing is generalizing in exactly the style that you accuse or document various whites of doing, and it's no prettier from your pen than it is when you journal the behaviors of others.
You imply that white people everywhere only allow themselves to think positively about blacks once a year (do you really truly think this?); you state that the scholastic portrait of blacks is limited to poverty and ignorance (i can only attest to the california public school system on this, but i sure as hell didn't wander around the elementary school yard thinking blacks were stupid and poor); you sarcastically chide the attendees of this event for coming to an African film during Black History Month, because you apparently can tell that they're not interested in the black community beyond this 90 minute reel; then you wag your blogging finger in the face of this nameless, generalized audience in Portland because Africa's been historically exploited by whites um, not in Portland?
I think you can see that this line of thought doesn't make a helluva lot of sense. Perhaps you're resentful of the whites in that room at PCC for whatever reason. Okay, that's cool, if that's where you're at and you're honest about it. But weaving a poorly-constructed and mean-spirited narrative around people that did nothing but show up to a movie is a cheap, cheap shot, no matter the cheerleading that occurs in the comments section.'
i think people forget that this blog started out as a personal, almost-confessional type place for me to write about my thoughts, experiences and feelings. period.
( i'm not writing for the Oregonian here)
Monday, February 19, 2007
questions
saturday we went to the african film festival at the pcc cascade campus. it's part of the black history here in good ol' portland. and by the way, why is black history relegated to just month? why can't it be included in history with ALL history, white and black? is february the only month white people will allow themselves to even think about the positive contributions black people gave? howcome the only history children learn about blacks is that we were slaves. poor, ignorant slaves. period.
anyways, i always enjoy going, and this year, just like every year, there were overabundance of white people. i actually sat near the front and turned around to count how many black people i saw. there were only a few. in about 150 people, probably 20 were black.
i know i could talk about why there were so few black people ( i've already gone there). but i think it's more interesting that there were SO MANY white people. i mean, it's nice that all these white people are so incredibly interested in the african films (during black history month! wow! ), but are those same people as interested in the black community here in Portland during the other 11 months of the year? i mean, there were a ton of white people. literally. it was funny, they were all the granola, crunchy, no-makeup-wearing, au natural type. i don't know what's up with that but, whatever.
as the white people poured in i couldn't help but wondering WHY they were there. were they subconsciously doing it in a condescending way? i mean, i'm sorry-but africa is the way it is-poor, underdeveloped, etc mainly because of white people stripping the land and it's resources. so it's a little ironic that they are SO interested in it. if africa was a wealthy, healthy nation would adopting african babies and watching african films still be so facinating?
anyways, i always enjoy going, and this year, just like every year, there were overabundance of white people. i actually sat near the front and turned around to count how many black people i saw. there were only a few. in about 150 people, probably 20 were black.
i know i could talk about why there were so few black people ( i've already gone there). but i think it's more interesting that there were SO MANY white people. i mean, it's nice that all these white people are so incredibly interested in the african films (during black history month! wow! ), but are those same people as interested in the black community here in Portland during the other 11 months of the year? i mean, there were a ton of white people. literally. it was funny, they were all the granola, crunchy, no-makeup-wearing, au natural type. i don't know what's up with that but, whatever.
as the white people poured in i couldn't help but wondering WHY they were there. were they subconsciously doing it in a condescending way? i mean, i'm sorry-but africa is the way it is-poor, underdeveloped, etc mainly because of white people stripping the land and it's resources. so it's a little ironic that they are SO interested in it. if africa was a wealthy, healthy nation would adopting african babies and watching african films still be so facinating?
Thursday, February 15, 2007
stigma
i keep thinking i'll run out of things to blog about, and them *bam* something interesting and bloggable happens.
i was at work yesterday when a client that i had never worked with before or met in person called me. he was all upset about something that wasn't going right with his business. a co-worker asked me to deal with him and i said sure.
so, as we're talking, he started going off about 'some african american male' that he had dealt with previously over the phone (never met face-to-face). first of all, before i go there about this, why is it that people think they can say things over the phone that they'd never have the audacity to say to someone in person?
i didn't get upset, but i was irritated. obviously i can't say exactly what i felt to our clients. but it was weird that he just ass-u-me-d he was talking to "one of his own" and felt like i'd be on his side about dogging on the african american man. despite it all, i felt like i was looking into a one-way mirror where i could see him but he couldn't see me. so i asked how he knew the young man was black. he replied in a calloused way, almost like he wanted to hurt someone's feelings. "oh, you know, the mumbling and broken english slang, non-textbook english, [etc...]".
"excuse me, can i put you on hold for a moment?" i asked. i never came back to the phone. i was done. period. i know, that was unprofessional. but i didn't care.
the thing that really got to me was this: that it seems like the black people like myself who speak proper english, who are educated, middle class or wealthy, with good work ethic, non-gang members, can't seem to get away from the stigma. no matter how educated i get, will there ALWAYS be that stereotype? ALWAYS?
i don't dislike being black, but sometimes i feel like i'm tired of being linked with "those" african americans. i know i may get some backlash but pay attention to what i'm saying. i'm not ashamed of being black. i'm embarassed that there are rappers like ludacris and little john (and whatever other rappers that degrade women and curse and rap about s*x with ho*s) that just by being black i'm automatically associated with. it's like i can't escape it.
seems like only the uneducated and ignorant black people are the ones who are always representing the whole race of black people. i hate it because that's just not me. and back to the phone call i was telling you about. will black people ever get away from the substandard english stereotype? will the black people who don't like rap and have masters degrees and live well above the poverty line ever be the ones to represent the entire race rather than those who don't?
i was at work yesterday when a client that i had never worked with before or met in person called me. he was all upset about something that wasn't going right with his business. a co-worker asked me to deal with him and i said sure.
so, as we're talking, he started going off about 'some african american male' that he had dealt with previously over the phone (never met face-to-face). first of all, before i go there about this, why is it that people think they can say things over the phone that they'd never have the audacity to say to someone in person?
i didn't get upset, but i was irritated. obviously i can't say exactly what i felt to our clients. but it was weird that he just ass-u-me-d he was talking to "one of his own" and felt like i'd be on his side about dogging on the african american man. despite it all, i felt like i was looking into a one-way mirror where i could see him but he couldn't see me. so i asked how he knew the young man was black. he replied in a calloused way, almost like he wanted to hurt someone's feelings. "oh, you know, the mumbling and broken english slang, non-textbook english, [etc...]".
"excuse me, can i put you on hold for a moment?" i asked. i never came back to the phone. i was done. period. i know, that was unprofessional. but i didn't care.
the thing that really got to me was this: that it seems like the black people like myself who speak proper english, who are educated, middle class or wealthy, with good work ethic, non-gang members, can't seem to get away from the stigma. no matter how educated i get, will there ALWAYS be that stereotype? ALWAYS?
i don't dislike being black, but sometimes i feel like i'm tired of being linked with "those" african americans. i know i may get some backlash but pay attention to what i'm saying. i'm not ashamed of being black. i'm embarassed that there are rappers like ludacris and little john (and whatever other rappers that degrade women and curse and rap about s*x with ho*s) that just by being black i'm automatically associated with. it's like i can't escape it.
seems like only the uneducated and ignorant black people are the ones who are always representing the whole race of black people. i hate it because that's just not me. and back to the phone call i was telling you about. will black people ever get away from the substandard english stereotype? will the black people who don't like rap and have masters degrees and live well above the poverty line ever be the ones to represent the entire race rather than those who don't?
Monday, February 12, 2007
crappy service
do white people demand excellent service when they go out to dinner at a restaurant? i mean, if they're treated badly or get poor service, the first thing that pops into their mind is obviously NOT that it's because they're white. Geez. wonder what that feels like. when a white person complains about poor service, they're taken seriously. but, i feel like when i (or another person of color) complains about poor service, the response is like "oh god, they're going to play the race card...they're going to say they were slighted because of being black... Great." or that the only reason why i think i got such bad service is because i'm black and hypersensitive.
saturday, the husband and i went to local BrewPub . i don't know why i keep going back there when i keep getting such crappy service. the last 3 times that i've gone there (and i don't go there often), i've gotten crap service. but i'm not much one for boycotting a place if i really like their food. i just suffer through it. although, hte main reason i don't go there more often is because of their lame service.
so, The Husband and i walked in. the sign read "Please wait to be seated". the place was packed. we waited. and waited. and waited. like 10 long minutes had passed and the hostess chick walked back and forth in front of us, doing this, doing that. she even looked as us and kept going, ignoring us. honestly, i didn't think it was a black and white thing. i really didn't. even if it was, i was tired and starving and didn't really care.
i was getting hot under the collar. i told The laid back Husband that it was time for me to speak out. he told me to just pipe down and wait. yeah, whatever. so here came the hostess girl again, a Tonya Harding look-a-like, right in front of us, ignoring us. "excuse me" i said. she looked like she couldn't understand what we could possibly want. mind you, i DO know how to complain in a diplomatic manner. i asked her if she noticed that we had been waiting for about 10 minutes without ANY acknowledgement whatsoever. not even a hello. "oh, we're just so busy, etc, etc...". i asked her if that was their usual procedure when they're busy, to just let their patrons stand there without any acknowledgement for....ever? how were we to know when or if a table was available and how long the wait would be? she started to act uncomfortable, because i had put her on the spot. i wanted her to know that being ignored was unacceptable. regardless how busy they were. "and what is your name???" i asked. she told me her name. i had to let her know that i KNEW who she was and i would REMEMBER.
a moment later two other white couples came in. this was perfect. the perfect opportunity for me to see how they were treated. i couldn't wait for the hostess to come and greet them right away so i'd have something to be pissed about and prove exactly what i know to be true. they waited and waited too. good. so it wasn't a race thing.
when the hostess came back, she apologized and told us it would only be a few minutes or so. then i got kind of worried. this is the kind of stuff that gets you marked by the cooks. you might have some spit or dirt or something in your food. i was mad at myself for even saying anything. now i had to worry about my dinner being prepared on the floor, or worse. the Husband and i discussed going elsewhere but we were too tired to think of another place.
when the hostess came back again to seat us, i thanked her profusely. i thought maybe that would help me get some untainted food.
when we got seated, i was much more relaxed after i had a hefeweizen. i tried to ignore the fact that we were seated kind of in the middle of the restaurant for all to gawk at us, the only interracial couple in the place. the hefeweizen helped. it even helped when my plate was brought to me and my food was cold. anyway, i could continue on about the service, but i wont.
i looked around. i was the ONLY black person in a sea of white people. i'm getting kind of sick of that feeling. i mean, really. it's very underrated. okay, so then a black guy with a large group of white people came in a little later. that's still 2 black people out of about 120 people.
i'm just still trying to figure out why my roots are so deep here and why we stay in a place like portland. it's great and all, but the overabundant whiteness really gets to me at times.
saturday, the husband and i went to local BrewPub . i don't know why i keep going back there when i keep getting such crappy service. the last 3 times that i've gone there (and i don't go there often), i've gotten crap service. but i'm not much one for boycotting a place if i really like their food. i just suffer through it. although, hte main reason i don't go there more often is because of their lame service.
so, The Husband and i walked in. the sign read "Please wait to be seated". the place was packed. we waited. and waited. and waited. like 10 long minutes had passed and the hostess chick walked back and forth in front of us, doing this, doing that. she even looked as us and kept going, ignoring us. honestly, i didn't think it was a black and white thing. i really didn't. even if it was, i was tired and starving and didn't really care.
i was getting hot under the collar. i told The laid back Husband that it was time for me to speak out. he told me to just pipe down and wait. yeah, whatever. so here came the hostess girl again, a Tonya Harding look-a-like, right in front of us, ignoring us. "excuse me" i said. she looked like she couldn't understand what we could possibly want. mind you, i DO know how to complain in a diplomatic manner. i asked her if she noticed that we had been waiting for about 10 minutes without ANY acknowledgement whatsoever. not even a hello. "oh, we're just so busy, etc, etc...". i asked her if that was their usual procedure when they're busy, to just let their patrons stand there without any acknowledgement for....ever? how were we to know when or if a table was available and how long the wait would be? she started to act uncomfortable, because i had put her on the spot. i wanted her to know that being ignored was unacceptable. regardless how busy they were. "and what is your name???" i asked. she told me her name. i had to let her know that i KNEW who she was and i would REMEMBER.
a moment later two other white couples came in. this was perfect. the perfect opportunity for me to see how they were treated. i couldn't wait for the hostess to come and greet them right away so i'd have something to be pissed about and prove exactly what i know to be true. they waited and waited too. good. so it wasn't a race thing.
when the hostess came back, she apologized and told us it would only be a few minutes or so. then i got kind of worried. this is the kind of stuff that gets you marked by the cooks. you might have some spit or dirt or something in your food. i was mad at myself for even saying anything. now i had to worry about my dinner being prepared on the floor, or worse. the Husband and i discussed going elsewhere but we were too tired to think of another place.
when the hostess came back again to seat us, i thanked her profusely. i thought maybe that would help me get some untainted food.
when we got seated, i was much more relaxed after i had a hefeweizen. i tried to ignore the fact that we were seated kind of in the middle of the restaurant for all to gawk at us, the only interracial couple in the place. the hefeweizen helped. it even helped when my plate was brought to me and my food was cold. anyway, i could continue on about the service, but i wont.
i looked around. i was the ONLY black person in a sea of white people. i'm getting kind of sick of that feeling. i mean, really. it's very underrated. okay, so then a black guy with a large group of white people came in a little later. that's still 2 black people out of about 120 people.
i'm just still trying to figure out why my roots are so deep here and why we stay in a place like portland. it's great and all, but the overabundant whiteness really gets to me at times.
Friday, February 09, 2007
affection
last night The Husband and me and kids went to hang out at my brother's house. he and his wife are die hard Grey's Anatomy fans. i'm not into it, but i watched it since i was over there. his wife was talking about the black surgeon and his asian girlfriend and how they never show each other any affection the way the other non-interracial couples on the show do. i wouldn't know since i don't watch the show but it's probably true.
i know it's true in my case. well, kind of. i mean, i'm pretty affectionate to my husband at home. but it's really, really hard for me to be affectionate with him in public. i always tell people that i'm agains pda's (public displays of affection), but no, that's not really it. i feel like everyone's watching us. like we look so out of place to even hold hands. i have a fit when my husband tries to kiss me in public. he doesn't care what ANYone thinks which is why i love him so much. i'm the opposite.
no one bats an eye when they see a couple of the same race showing affection to each other but when you see a mixed race couple, it's just different. i feel like people think we're some naive misfits trying to be rebellious against society by being together. and whenever you hear someone say "oh, they're such a cute couple, they look so cute together", they're always talking about a couple where the people look similar to each other-both handsome, both short, both tall, both stylish, etc. i don't think that when people see a couple of different races together, that the first thing in their mind is how good they look together. i mean, they would appear to be opposites. my husband and i are opposites. he's very tall, i'm short. he's white, i'm black. aesthetically speaking, i don't think we look good together.
it makes me feel sad. sad that it's such a hangup of mine. i feel envious when i see couples of the same race being all affectionate in public. like it's something i'm missing out on. i wish i didn't care so much about what people think, but i do. and there are still racist, mean, rude people out there.
i know it's true in my case. well, kind of. i mean, i'm pretty affectionate to my husband at home. but it's really, really hard for me to be affectionate with him in public. i always tell people that i'm agains pda's (public displays of affection), but no, that's not really it. i feel like everyone's watching us. like we look so out of place to even hold hands. i have a fit when my husband tries to kiss me in public. he doesn't care what ANYone thinks which is why i love him so much. i'm the opposite.
no one bats an eye when they see a couple of the same race showing affection to each other but when you see a mixed race couple, it's just different. i feel like people think we're some naive misfits trying to be rebellious against society by being together. and whenever you hear someone say "oh, they're such a cute couple, they look so cute together", they're always talking about a couple where the people look similar to each other-both handsome, both short, both tall, both stylish, etc. i don't think that when people see a couple of different races together, that the first thing in their mind is how good they look together. i mean, they would appear to be opposites. my husband and i are opposites. he's very tall, i'm short. he's white, i'm black. aesthetically speaking, i don't think we look good together.
it makes me feel sad. sad that it's such a hangup of mine. i feel envious when i see couples of the same race being all affectionate in public. like it's something i'm missing out on. i wish i didn't care so much about what people think, but i do. and there are still racist, mean, rude people out there.
Monday, February 05, 2007
observations
at a recent kindergarten round up, i met a couple white moms who had biracial children (black fathers). both the moms were single. i started thinking all the white moms i've ever known with children by black men.
of all the white moms i know who've had children with black men , they've ALL had major problems in their relationships. they're either no longer together, or, if they are together,they constantly deal with problem after problem and nonstop drama. at the same time, i know many black women friends who've had children by/married to white men and for some reason those women have fairly drama-free lives, and seem relatively happy.
secretly, i've wondered if they look at me and my (normal, happy,trouble free) life and feel resentful. possibly resentful that i, a black girl have what they "should have" had. a SMALL part of me feels kind of guilty, but not really.
i know that there are white woman/black man couples out there that are successful. and i know that there are black women with white men who are UNsuccessful but it seems so rare. why is that though?
and i'm not saying that there's something wrong with black men. i mean personally, my preference is white. but there's obviously a different dynamic between white women/black men and black women /white men relationships.
of all the white moms i know who've had children with black men , they've ALL had major problems in their relationships. they're either no longer together, or, if they are together,they constantly deal with problem after problem and nonstop drama. at the same time, i know many black women friends who've had children by/married to white men and for some reason those women have fairly drama-free lives, and seem relatively happy.
secretly, i've wondered if they look at me and my (normal, happy,trouble free) life and feel resentful. possibly resentful that i, a black girl have what they "should have" had. a SMALL part of me feels kind of guilty, but not really.
i know that there are white woman/black man couples out there that are successful. and i know that there are black women with white men who are UNsuccessful but it seems so rare. why is that though?
and i'm not saying that there's something wrong with black men. i mean personally, my preference is white. but there's obviously a different dynamic between white women/black men and black women /white men relationships.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)