flawed

i went to a fabulous christmas party on christmas eve. it was one of those parties that you see on tv, where everyone is "cool" and basically the kind of party you WANT to be invited to. the couple actually doesn't live too far away from my neighborhood. i had a great time but couldn't help wondering how much money, or how little money these people had. these people are my friends, i guess i can call them that by now. we're not close, but we're friends.

i keep trying to convince myself that they are just in debt. who cares. anyone can finance a bunch of crap to furnish a house on credit. i kept telling myself things like: well, if they were so well off, their kitchen and bathroom would have been more updated, despite the fact that all of their things were nice and new. things and cars don't mean a whole lot to me. anyone can use a charge card. all the furniture and appliances were really plush and nice. but the kitchen and the bath kind of reminded me the "status level" of my house. but this couple is always travelling, has two fancy cars, nice things, which makes me think they have money. but i kept looking for ways to convince myself otherwise.

why do i care? why was i obsessing over it (okay, not obsessing but it crossed my mind several times that night). i have a major personality flaw when it comes to that kind of thing. i totally recognize it. and i don't think i can do anything about it. i think it's just in my genes.

maybe it's some "self-help" mechanism that my brain kicks in so that i don't feel bad about what i have or have not accomplished? are other people like this? i just assume that most everyone else is like this too, and so i have a hard time throwing parties with people i don't know well. i assume they are sizing me up like i size them up.

weight

i feel like there just aren't enough black people who are real concerned with eating healthy. i know, i know, everybody eats whatever they want around this time of year. truth is, people eat crap all year long but around the holidays it's justified.

but i keep running into black women around town, at work, etc. who are kinda hefty in the weight department. the thing is, why are black women so proud of being big? of having a 'big ol' butt'? there is a fine line between being at a healthy weight and being overweight/obese. but i keep hearing black women that i come into contact with talk about their size like a) that's just part of being black, and/or b) it can't be helped.

it seems like when we (as americans) are urged to slim down because the obesity rates are rising, that some black women don't feel like that includes them. i mean, of course grossly obese black women know that they need to do something. but i'm talking about women who are like 30 to 50 pounds overweight. that still makes a difference! i'm not even advocating being a stick figure. that's not attractive. i'm talking about being the ideal weight for height.

i know this sounds bad but i've always sort of prided myself on the fact that my body is slim and trim, that i've been a size 4/6 since highschool (not including pregnancies-but yes, even afterwards!). the big ol' butt gene was never passed down to me, and frankly, i'm GLAD. i don't like the way big butts look- black thing, or not. am i expected to just because i'm black? i think i stand out and that is one of the reasons why. i know those with the big butts can't help it. if they like it, fine. but keep the extra weight off. sure, i see other black women who are in shape, but for the most part, many of them that i come into contact with are overweight. i know that's one of the reasons why i don't seem/act/look like the stereotype. i try to take care of myself and it shows, not getting caught up in this is how i'm supposed to look because i'm black/this is the fattening soul food i should eat because i'm black and that's what we do.

black women who are overweight really need to wake up. it's not healthy. it's not just the 400 lb women. that's obvious to everyone that it's an unhealthy state. again, i'm talking about extra weight that our culture calls "thick". you know, because the black men like it. whatever. they're not the ones who are at risk of heart disease.

corrected

i stand corrected on this. maybe someone there read my post? i was shocked as i drove by the lloyd center theatre to see "American Gangster" (starring Denzel Washington) showing there. i have always kept an eye out on black films (or films that feature black actors) to see whether they were played at the mall theatre which i hated, or the other bigger theatre, so i wasn't just jumping to conclusions on a whim when i wrote that post.

either way, maybe things are changing.