i went to the lloyd center mall last night. i'm not a mall rat but i wanted to get out without the kids and shop for some clothes. when i got home, i wondered if i had been "punk'd". three situations happened within one hour that all involved strange black men. i thought about writing about how it only validates what white people think about black men, but no, i'm not going to go there right now. and then it dawned on me. everytime something really weird happens to me , i always ask (to noone in particular): is it a full moon or something? turned out last night really was.
this is the weirdest thing that has happened to me in a looong time. have you ever seen dave chappelle portray the crackhead? okay now picture a black man, on that level who came up to me at the mall and and asked:
" 'xcuse me sista, sista... i was wonderin' if you could help me....(holding a tablet with some letters on it), i was wonderin' if you could help me spell the word biscuit. do you know how to spell that word? can you tell me how to spell it?"
i looked at him like he was a mental case, and almost helped him. but then i thought that a) he probably knew how to spell biscuit,b) didn't really need to know how to spell biscuit, or c) was trying to pick me up or play some silly game.
i hesitated, and then said, "no. i don't know how to spell biscuit" and turned and kept walking.
then, i went into Forever21. there was a white girl there being "harassed" by a twenty-something black guy trying to pick her up. she was doing her best to ignore him but he was so in-her-face with it. saying things like "can i get your phone number girl?....well why not? come on girl.....if i had a hundred dollar bill, would you write your number on it?...." it went on and on. the white girl was trying to act annoyed but the fact that she stayed there smiling while she told him NO told me she thought it was cute on some level.
i was so irritated. within 10 minutes i had had two experiences with black men that were not positive. i gave him a dirty look, as if to say, look at you. you're the reason black men can't get rid of the stigma. what is wrong with you? does this look like a nightclub? you idiot. i rolled my eyes and walked the other way. then he started calling to me, asking why i was 'treatin' him like that, why did i need to roll my eyes'. he didn't have a clue. i was offended that i am forced to share the same race with an idiot like that. i know he doesn't really represent the entire black race but he basically put on a show for the entire store, i wonder if the next time someone in there encounters someone black would they automatically mentally put that person into a category with him?
then i went to the food court. i was ready to go home but i stopped to get something to eat for me and the husband. i went to the cajun grille and got in line. the black man in front of me was having some kind of difficult understanding the two asian men there. the asian men kept repeating themselves and sighing and rolling their eyes that this man couldn't understand what they were saying. it got kind of uncomfortable. and the black man kept turning around to look at me as if he expected me to nod or give a look that i understood his frustration. i was indifferent.
what was so weird was that other than these three experiences, i didn't have any type of converstion or interaction with anyone.
i've always said that i married a white man because i'm just more attracted to white men. but honestly, i don't think i'd have the strength to be married to a black man. black men put up with such bullshit, and the ones that really are decent and wealthy and educated still have it rough to some extent. i think it would be really hard to be the wife of a black man.
15 comments:
I am black,not africa american,but all you've got in your day cann't lead you to such conclusion.I am a college studnet(not married),but most of the time black girls have problem with their black skin,even if their white friends ignored.Why is that?I never date any black girl in my life just because most girls I've met told me that they prefer if they are lighter than they are now.
Sorry to say this,"If you think black man,even if he is highly educated ,is not worth to be live with,I can guess that you're indentity is challanged.".
Take Care.
Does you hisband know about this blog? If so, what are his thoughts? How does it effect your relationship?
there are plenty of white guys like those two down here on hawthorne. it does suck, though, that some white people probably do generalize the handful of weird black guys they meet to all black guys, forgetting all the normal black guys they pass on the street who don't ask them to spell biscuit (hilarious!) or otherwise pester them. i hope our society manages soon to stop categorizing people so quickly.
First of all, the biscuit story was hilarious. I'll have to tell my mom about that one.
Secondly, I also get frustrated with a lot of the black guys here in my city, who tend to be ghetto. But remember, that there are dumb ass white trash white guys, too(like Kevin Federline!). I just choose to associate with the good people of all races, and ignore the jerks and morons.
-Lili
"i think it would be really hard to be the wife of a black man."-That's such an interesting statment. I never thought about that before. I am a black woman married to a white man.
I do feel sometimes that I get treated better when I am seen with my white husband, then when I'm by myself. Especially when going to stores,banks,restaurants, etc. Sometimes I use my husband, and have him go into places instead of me so things will get done faster, for example one time we needed quarters for laundry at a 711, and an Indian Man was the cashier, I had my husband go in to get us $10 worth of quarters because I had a feeling he wouldn't give it to me, and he gave it to him with no problem. I also feel that when my husband and I are in the "ghetto" they tend to leave him alone because they see him with me, a black woman.
I was at the Cheesecake Factory last weekend with my family for my mom's birthday. Our waitress was a white girl in her 20's. She looked so disturbed seeing my husband with all these black woman. She basically ignored me the whole time, one time she took my aunt's order then skipped me and went straight to my husband, I was in between them, why was I skipped. My mom even joked & said my husband had a girlfriend, because the waitress was only interested in talking to him at the table.
My husband didn't like that at all. Being with me opened his eyes a lot about how racist some people still are.
I do think you have typecasted there as someone else said. For every weird black man there is a weird white man out there somewhere.
Due to the racists in society it is harder being married to a white man than a black man.
Much as black men who are educated have to put up with alot of bull, I am sure so do you as an educated black woman. A white husband isnt going to change some of those things.
You were fine when you said you are attracted to white men but you lost me on "it would be hard to be married to a black man" based on what? Those three encounters? Do you even know any black men? I was reading your blogs and thinking you were an intelligent, insightful women until you said that. What a statement. You just lost me lady.
Anonymous, i though i was being clear when i said that. i know many intelligent black guys. my experience at the mall was not why i said it would be hard to be married to one. i made that statement because there are times when i feel really insecure being black and black men are stereotyped and feared and treated worse than men of any race. it would be hard for me to be strong for them when they come home from work frustrated about being treated badly at work because of being black. it's hard enough for me. and with a white man, they don't have the same struggle. it's easier for ME. does that make any sense?
Yes, that makes a lot of sense; I thought you were very clear. But I couldn't imagine putting myself down like that, discounting the sum of my strength. Yes black men have a hard time, a lot of obstacles to overcome, and plenty BS to put up with but that makes them all the more interesting and wise through their resilience. I know the situation can seem harsh but I am the sibling and friend of several black men who handle it in a way that makes me proud and reinforces respect for themselves and their people and are quite aware of the detrimental effects of internalizing these negative forces. I'm looking for the man of my dreams the one God has set aside for me not the black man of my dreams or the white man of my dreams and it would be a privilege for me to maintain the duty of supporting my man regardless of his race or individual struggle.
someone made about comment about being treated better when their hubby is around cuz he's white and I feel the EXACT same way. However my Hubby is African-american. I just feel I'm treated better when I'm with him cuz he's a MAN.
on some levels i can relate to you. i have grown up around white people and black people. for some reason though, everytime i go back to my family in oklahoma everyone has something to say about me "sounding white". and i just dont feel 100% comfortable around white people either. i relate to you saying that black men have to put up with more bullshit--society is too judgemental, thinkin they are dumb, and all about sex and money. i disagree as i know plenty of educated black men with their priorities straight. and ive met some pretty messed up white people too !! but i am not attracted to any race except for african-american. even though it would be a little harder i am willing to stay with my black man, because they need support from their black women. they are always hearing about how low they are, no jobs, nothing to offer--when there are some good black men out there who have as much as anyone else. those are the ones i go after (i have met some black men that arent doin to hot but ive talked to them long enough to encourage most to stay in school or help some get good jobs). it wouldnt be hard to live life with a black man if us black women would just be strong and be there and love and support them. thats what they need and it would make the race better to see a few good expamples from successfully married black couples.
It is interesting to me that someone would refer to Kevin Federline, or whatever his name is, as trash, white trash none the less. His behavior is the same behavior we've all seen so many times from women. Are they trash? Is trash a word you would use to define blacks?
I am a white man, white people don't help me with anything. I graduated with a 3.93 G.PA. for my bachelors (forgive spelling) and am currently in the middle of an M.B.A. Program. I've studied at nine different colleges and universities. I've earned my civil liberties, and yours. I've caught no breaks. God and I have earned all I have ever had. I have been married to a black woman since 1991. There are more black women with white men than I remember seeing when I was first married. This may only be my perception however. There are definitely, and have been for some time, more black men with white women than vice versa.I apologize for the tangeant, but why is it that black women largely buy into this racial garbage that keeps them from wanting to date white men? Apparently life isn't to hard on black men who date white women, or you you wouldn't see it so frequently. I'm sure that you've noticed that black men date some of the ugliest white women. I don't get that. Ugly is ugly. I can't lie to you. There are certain things that I like about black women in America over white women, or any on else. Black women seem to be pretty full of themselves, even when they're ugly. Why is it that black men are such a commodity to black women? just curious.
The thing about stereotypes . . .
A person must already have a negative view of a group of people to apply the stereotype.
For example, it that was a white homeless guy, and then a rude white guy trying to pick up a woman, you would have never attributed their race to their actions.
As a black woman, I cringe when people have the attitude that it is black people's fault for "perpetuating stereotypes".
People are people. In every group there are polite people, rude people, educated people, illiterate people.
Why get mad at the black people who are not perfect at all times?
Are you really mad at them, or are you afraid white people will look at YOU a certain way if they see those black men?
And if so, why aren't you mad at white people for always stereotyping us, instead of being mad at black people for not walking a tight rope at all times in front of white America?
Be a strong black woman. Your self worth and self-image must come from a place of black-centered positivity. If you go through life thinking you need the large white society to approve of you . . . well sister, you've lost yourself. You have to be deviant or you let their racism defeat you while it conforms you to their will.
It sounds as though you have some real identity issues. One of the reasons we as a people are not further ahead is due to a lack of support for one another. I am happily married to a black man. While he is educated, successful,etc. he does not come home complaining about how society has held him down or how hard it is for him as a Black man in America. Thus, I do not have to be strong for him with regard to racial issues. We are both professinals who live a great life. If you buy into the propaganda about Black men/people in the media, then maybe you will come to that conclusion. Personally, I think it's easier to marry a Black man as a Black woman than a White man, because of how much we have in common from a cultural stand point - there are also no stares and jeers from others as we walk down the street, no uncomfortable identity conversations for the children, using your restaurant example - not having to wonder how your service will be as a result of being in a biracial marriage, or in your cheesecake factory example, if your husband was Black you wouldn't have been skipped when it came time to order.
There are certain things that will never be issues for us. Also, no matter how White your husband is, you will always be Black. Their is no ticket to get out of your race. Thus, having to use your husband as a tool for you to get better treatment in society just reiterates your own discomfort about being Black. You assumed the Indian 7-11 attendant would not give you the quarters based on race. You didn't even ask him.
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