buster

monday, one of the only managers in my department was leaving for the day and came to see me. he asked if i would keep an eye on some of the newbies hired recently and make sure they were doing their job. he told me that if any of them were screwing around, i was to tell them to get back to work and then let him know.

i gave a phony smile and said that i would.

yeah right. i'm not like that. i have no desire to be one of those employees. plus i'm not getting paid for that. there are already employees like that at my job who would have been happy to do the duty, but they weren't there that day. i like being friends with everyone at work. it would feel awkard telling my peers to 'get back to work'.

and then i started thinking about how at every job that i've ever had, there's always been a buster. someone who you could count on to run and tell the management if you're slacking, tardy, or screwing around.

the funny thing is, those employees were never black. always white. i've been a favored employee but that's where i draw the line. i've never known black employees to be the ones stepping on others to (try to) get ahead. and i'm not condoning screwing around at work, or not letting someone know when another employee's behavior is seriously affecting your job. i'm just talking about snitching for the sake of snitching. snitching because you just can, when it's not really your business. and i've known plenty more white people who've made others' secular life a lot harder than black employees have. it's just what i've noticed.

i'm not sure if not being a buster is a black thing, or if being a buster is kind of a white thing. i guess it works for them. but i don't think if /when black people do that, they'd have the same results or advantage.

comparisons

the husband and i were invited over to his co-worker's home for dinner. our kids also used to go to school together. as far as the dinner was concerned, it was something i could take or leave. we have a pretty big social group already, and it's really not that important to me that our son play with their kid or not. but i was motivated to go mainly because i'm curious about people and i wanted to check out where they lived, how nice (or not) their house was, and just how they live in general. i think i was more curious about that than than being invited for dinner. and i have a tendency to take a look at someone and prematurely decide what type of house they probably live in and what type of life they lead. so it's kind of a little game i play with myself to see how wrong or right i was once we get there.

i feel like i need to see how other people live in order to be content with our life, our house, our financial situation. i feel like everyone has more money than we do, but at the same time i suspect our finacial situation appears different to others what it it really is. and i realized that of all our close friends that the husband and i hang out with, i've subconsciously managed to only keep friends that (that i perceive are on )our on our same (perceived) level of housing, finance, education, or LESS. like, i feel okay when i know that i have more of or the same things materially or financially as my friends. but i think i'd be too envious to have close friends that do better than us financially. like, i don't think my ego could handle it.

so, i was waaay wrong about these people. they have a much nicer house/home than what i expected. it didn't phase me, though, because it's a lot like our house. you'd think by now i'd have learned not to judge a book by it's cover. i think maybe that's a personality flaw because i do it all the time. but doesn't everyone?

"facts"

friday i went to see an opthamologist at the Casey Eye institute (which by the way is a great place). i have this mild eye condition so i was discussing that with the doctor. he says, "yeah.... for some reason it's really common among blacks". i don't know why the way he said "blacks" instead of "black people" sounded so offensive to me. but it just did. i guess it sounded so formal, like just by him saying "BLACKS" i could tell that he didn't have any black friends. totally.

but how did he know that? is that just some random fact he had been told? some statistic he was told about?

i always cringe when someone on the news says things like these:

"african americans are at high risk for high blood pressure"

"african american women are the highest at risk for HIV"

"african americans are at high risk for diabetes".

i hear that kind of so-called information a lot. and there is never any specific study given or date or by whom it was conducted. the media just tells us all this and we're supposed to go, "oh. okay. that must be true and factual because the news says that some study somewhere was conducted".

are those "studies" accurate? how did they test every single black american to know that we're at high risk for this or that? is it determined by the percentage of black american with insurance that actually go to the doctor? what percentage of black people is that? and i'm not saying that it's not true that black people are at risk for this or that. i'm just saying that there is such a thing called propaganda and you shouldn't just make a statement without providing details.

i actually can't recall someone reporting that whites are at risk for this or that. can you recall it? i always hear about the minorities that are at risk for this or that.


hmmm. white people must be pretty darn healthy and black people must not be.

therapeutic

i don't know why i'm getting bashed so much on this blog. people act like it's a cardinal sin to state my feelings- like the post about the tipping. what's so wrong about saying that i don't LIKE tipping? the fact of the matter was that i DID tip. i don't like paying taxes either, but i do. regardless of all the thoughts in my head that led up to me deciding to leave a tip, i did the right thing.

but who doesn't ever think something less than favorable before acting or saying the opposite? you're lying if you say that you don't. yet when i write what i feel, and not necessarily what i actually did, i get reamed.

i'm past that though. that's why i started this blog in the first place. everyone writes for their readers. everyone puts on the comfortable, ideal, shiny side of themselves into their blog and leaves out the ugly. nobody wants to showcase the ugly and risk people thinking knowing they're not perfect or that they don't always think happy thoughts about everyone else.

the upside of this all is how therapeutic writing and getting responses is. of course any blog can get responses. but with regard to race in particular, the responses and emails are amazing usually and let me know i'm not the only one with my feelings...

motivations

i don't always do things with the purest motives sometimes. the husband and i received a gift certificate from someone we did business with for a restaurant we had never been to, Saylers Old country kitchen. since it's not a restaurant we had heard much about, we thought we'd save it for when we were really broke.

so this past weekend, we were pretty broke. i looked at their online menu and decided that maybe it wasn't that bad of a restaurant. we spent 50 dollars on dinner which the gift certificate covered. as i said, we were pretty broke and it would have been a totally FREE meal except for then we had to leave a tip. or did we? of course we had to. the husband didn't think much tip was necessary. he doesn't care what anyone thinks.

at this point, it was (to me) only about what people think, since i didn't really care about paying the server's salary. she was a good server and all, no complaints here, but it's not like she buttered my french bread for me.

i determined that our tip should be about 10 bucks. we could afford that. but i just didn't really want to. i don't believe in paying the salary of someone i don't know for work that they choose to get paid hourly to do, especially when they don't exceed my expectations tipping so much.

my ONLY motivator for leaving a good tip was the fact that we are an interracial couple and she probably expected us to NOT leave a tip. i was only trying to make it easier for the next black or interracial couple. other than that, if i had been white, i probably wouldn't have tipped or maybe just not so much.

full moon

i went to the lloyd center mall last night. i'm not a mall rat but i wanted to get out without the kids and shop for some clothes. when i got home, i wondered if i had been "punk'd". three situations happened within one hour that all involved strange black men. i thought about writing about how it only validates what white people think about black men, but no, i'm not going to go there right now. and then it dawned on me. everytime something really weird happens to me , i always ask (to noone in particular): is it a full moon or something? turned out last night really was.

this is the weirdest thing that has happened to me in a looong time. have you ever seen dave chappelle portray the crackhead? okay now picture a black man, on that level who came up to me at the mall and and asked:

" 'xcuse me sista, sista... i was wonderin' if you could help me....(holding a tablet with some letters on it), i was wonderin' if you could help me spell the word biscuit. do you know how to spell that word? can you tell me how to spell it?"

i looked at him like he was a mental case, and almost helped him. but then i thought that a) he probably knew how to spell biscuit,b) didn't really need to know how to spell biscuit, or c) was trying to pick me up or play some silly game.

i hesitated, and then said, "no. i don't know how to spell biscuit" and turned and kept walking.

then, i went into Forever21. there was a white girl there being "harassed" by a twenty-something black guy trying to pick her up. she was doing her best to ignore him but he was so in-her-face with it. saying things like "can i get your phone number girl?....well why not? come on girl.....if i had a hundred dollar bill, would you write your number on it?...." it went on and on. the white girl was trying to act annoyed but the fact that she stayed there smiling while she told him NO told me she thought it was cute on some level.

i was so irritated. within 10 minutes i had had two experiences with black men that were not positive. i gave him a dirty look, as if to say, look at you. you're the reason black men can't get rid of the stigma. what is wrong with you? does this look like a nightclub? you idiot. i rolled my eyes and walked the other way. then he started calling to me, asking why i was 'treatin' him like that, why did i need to roll my eyes'. he didn't have a clue. i was offended that i am forced to share the same race with an idiot like that. i know he doesn't really represent the entire black race but he basically put on a show for the entire store, i wonder if the next time someone in there encounters someone black would they automatically mentally put that person into a category with him?

then i went to the food court. i was ready to go home but i stopped to get something to eat for me and the husband. i went to the cajun grille and got in line. the black man in front of me was having some kind of difficult understanding the two asian men there. the asian men kept repeating themselves and sighing and rolling their eyes that this man couldn't understand what they were saying. it got kind of uncomfortable. and the black man kept turning around to look at me as if he expected me to nod or give a look that i understood his frustration. i was indifferent.

what was so weird was that other than these three experiences, i didn't have any type of converstion or interaction with anyone.

i've always said that i married a white man because i'm just more attracted to white men. but honestly, i don't think i'd have the strength to be married to a black man. black men put up with such bullshit, and the ones that really are decent and wealthy and educated still have it rough to some extent. i think it would be really hard to be the wife of a black man.

homeownership pride

not far from our house, there are two trailer parks. eww. so thankful to not live there, i always think. even though my house is less than a mile away, i'd like to think we are worlds away.

and i thought about the way most people on my block including myself go to lengths to keep our properties nice. i live on a street in a neighborhood which isn't the trendiest neighborhood, but parts of it are really neat with great houses. i think i've mentioned it before, but portland is funny in the way that one block can be really really nice, and the next one over could be totally shabby.

anyways, i'm proud of our little house. it's not all that. it needs some updating in places, but in comparison with other older homes around portland, it fits right in. when i buy a new peice of decor, or we fix something or remodel something, i'm proud to display it and i think of it as another notch on the belt making our house inviting and warm.

and then it occurred to me about people who live in the trailer parks. i guess they might also do little things to their trailer that they're proud of and show it off to their fellow trailer park neighbors. it's probably a big deal to them. and then here i am, driving by looking down on the park. i wonder if people who live in the suburbs of portland, like lake oswego, or somewhere where the neighborhoods are newer and the houses are bigger and nicer think the same thing if ever driving through my neighborhood.

look at those small, old houses. situated so close to each other. those poor, poor people in NE portland...

reaction

'Man, this version of Just Callin' It Like You See It is boggling my mind.

There are moments when i find your insights pretty interesting (most of us are not unaware that pdx is is the Great White Populace and it's instructive to hear another voice or voices). There're other moments when it's obvious that your own personal insecurities cloud the quality of thought, but it's your blog (hell yeah it is) so go for it on the merely-32-inch-tv and the afraid-to-meet-the-woman-on-the-phone threads. But something about this post is just so out there, so cynical and ill-toned, that I had to wonder if you ever read your own blog.

Lady, half of your posts revolve around perception and presumption and how puzzling and cruel they can be. Yet here you are dissing a room fulla whites because they had the wherewithall to attend a Black History Mo. screening. These people were interested enough to get their asses up to PCC for a screening and you're instantly dismissing them as granola-eating, White Guilt laden black history dilettantes who're watching whatever movie as a collective act of...condescension? This particular musing is generalizing in exactly the style that you accuse or document various whites of doing, and it's no prettier from your pen than it is when you journal the behaviors of others.

You imply that white people everywhere only allow themselves to think positively about blacks once a year (do you really truly think this?); you state that the scholastic portrait of blacks is limited to poverty and ignorance (i can only attest to the california public school system on this, but i sure as hell didn't wander around the elementary school yard thinking blacks were stupid and poor); you sarcastically chide the attendees of this event for coming to an African film during Black History Month, because you apparently can tell that they're not interested in the black community beyond this 90 minute reel; then you wag your blogging finger in the face of this nameless, generalized audience in Portland because Africa's been historically exploited by whites um, not in Portland?

I think you can see that this line of thought doesn't make a helluva lot of sense. Perhaps you're resentful of the whites in that room at PCC for whatever reason. Okay, that's cool, if that's where you're at and you're honest about it. But weaving a poorly-constructed and mean-spirited narrative around people that did nothing but show up to a movie is a cheap, cheap shot, no matter the cheerleading that occurs in the comments section.'


i think people forget that this blog started out as a personal, almost-confessional type place for me to write about my thoughts, experiences and feelings. period.

( i'm not writing for the Oregonian here)

questions

saturday we went to the african film festival at the pcc cascade campus. it's part of the black history here in good ol' portland. and by the way, why is black history relegated to just month? why can't it be included in history with ALL history, white and black? is february the only month white people will allow themselves to even think about the positive contributions black people gave? howcome the only history children learn about blacks is that we were slaves. poor, ignorant slaves. period.

anyways, i always enjoy going, and this year, just like every year, there were overabundance of white people. i actually sat near the front and turned around to count how many black people i saw. there were only a few. in about 150 people, probably 20 were black.

i know i could talk about why there were so few black people ( i've already gone there). but i think it's more interesting that there were SO MANY white people. i mean, it's nice that all these white people are so incredibly interested in the african films (during black history month! wow! ), but are those same people as interested in the black community here in Portland during the other 11 months of the year? i mean, there were a ton of white people. literally. it was funny, they were all the granola, crunchy, no-makeup-wearing, au natural type. i don't know what's up with that but, whatever.

as the white people poured in i couldn't help but wondering WHY they were there. were they subconsciously doing it in a condescending way? i mean, i'm sorry-but africa is the way it is-poor, underdeveloped, etc mainly because of white people stripping the land and it's resources. so it's a little ironic that they are SO interested in it. if africa was a wealthy, healthy nation would adopting african babies and watching african films still be so facinating?

stigma

i keep thinking i'll run out of things to blog about, and them *bam* something interesting and bloggable happens.

i was at work yesterday when a client that i had never worked with before or met in person called me. he was all upset about something that wasn't going right with his business. a co-worker asked me to deal with him and i said sure.

so, as we're talking, he started going off about 'some african american male' that he had dealt with previously over the phone (never met face-to-face). first of all, before i go there about this, why is it that people think they can say things over the phone that they'd never have the audacity to say to someone in person?

i didn't get upset, but i was irritated. obviously i can't say exactly what i felt to our clients. but it was weird that he just ass-u-me-d he was talking to "one of his own" and felt like i'd be on his side about dogging on the african american man. despite it all, i felt like i was looking into a one-way mirror where i could see him but he couldn't see me. so i asked how he knew the young man was black. he replied in a calloused way, almost like he wanted to hurt someone's feelings. "oh, you know, the mumbling and broken english slang, non-textbook english, [etc...]".

"excuse me, can i put you on hold for a moment?" i asked. i never came back to the phone. i was done. period. i know, that was unprofessional. but i didn't care.

the thing that really got to me was this: that it seems like the black people like myself who speak proper english, who are educated, middle class or wealthy, with good work ethic, non-gang members, can't seem to get away from the stigma. no matter how educated i get, will there ALWAYS be that stereotype? ALWAYS?

i don't dislike being black, but sometimes i feel like i'm tired of being linked with "those" african americans. i know i may get some backlash but pay attention to what i'm saying. i'm not ashamed of being black. i'm embarassed that there are rappers like ludacris and little john (and whatever other rappers that degrade women and curse and rap about s*x with ho*s) that just by being black i'm automatically associated with. it's like i can't escape it.

seems like only the uneducated and ignorant black people are the ones who are always representing the whole race of black people. i hate it because that's just not me. and back to the phone call i was telling you about. will black people ever get away from the substandard english stereotype? will the black people who don't like rap and have masters degrees and live well above the poverty line ever be the ones to represent the entire race rather than those who don't?

crappy service

do white people demand excellent service when they go out to dinner at a restaurant? i mean, if they're treated badly or get poor service, the first thing that pops into their mind is obviously NOT that it's because they're white. Geez. wonder what that feels like. when a white person complains about poor service, they're taken seriously. but, i feel like when i (or another person of color) complains about poor service, the response is like "oh god, they're going to play the race card...they're going to say they were slighted because of being black... Great." or that the only reason why i think i got such bad service is because i'm black and hypersensitive.

saturday, the husband and i went to local BrewPub . i don't know why i keep going back there when i keep getting such crappy service. the last 3 times that i've gone there (and i don't go there often), i've gotten crap service. but i'm not much one for boycotting a place if i really like their food. i just suffer through it. although, hte main reason i don't go there more often is because of their lame service.

so, The Husband and i walked in. the sign read "Please wait to be seated". the place was packed. we waited. and waited. and waited. like 10 long minutes had passed and the hostess chick walked back and forth in front of us, doing this, doing that. she even looked as us and kept going, ignoring us. honestly, i didn't think it was a black and white thing. i really didn't. even if it was, i was tired and starving and didn't really care.

i was getting hot under the collar. i told The laid back Husband that it was time for me to speak out. he told me to just pipe down and wait. yeah, whatever. so here came the hostess girl again, a Tonya Harding look-a-like, right in front of us, ignoring us. "excuse me" i said. she looked like she couldn't understand what we could possibly want. mind you, i DO know how to complain in a diplomatic manner. i asked her if she noticed that we had been waiting for about 10 minutes without ANY acknowledgement whatsoever. not even a hello. "oh, we're just so busy, etc, etc...". i asked her if that was their usual procedure when they're busy, to just let their patrons stand there without any acknowledgement for....ever? how were we to know when or if a table was available and how long the wait would be? she started to act uncomfortable, because i had put her on the spot. i wanted her to know that being ignored was unacceptable. regardless how busy they were. "and what is your name???" i asked. she told me her name. i had to let her know that i KNEW who she was and i would REMEMBER.

a moment later two other white couples came in. this was perfect. the perfect opportunity for me to see how they were treated. i couldn't wait for the hostess to come and greet them right away so i'd have something to be pissed about and prove exactly what i know to be true. they waited and waited too. good. so it wasn't a race thing.

when the hostess came back, she apologized and told us it would only be a few minutes or so. then i got kind of worried. this is the kind of stuff that gets you marked by the cooks. you might have some spit or dirt or something in your food. i was mad at myself for even saying anything. now i had to worry about my dinner being prepared on the floor, or worse. the Husband and i discussed going elsewhere but we were too tired to think of another place.

when the hostess came back again to seat us, i thanked her profusely. i thought maybe that would help me get some untainted food.

when we got seated, i was much more relaxed after i had a hefeweizen. i tried to ignore the fact that we were seated kind of in the middle of the restaurant for all to gawk at us, the only interracial couple in the place. the hefeweizen helped. it even helped when my plate was brought to me and my food was cold. anyway, i could continue on about the service, but i wont.

i looked around. i was the ONLY black person in a sea of white people. i'm getting kind of sick of that feeling. i mean, really. it's very underrated. okay, so then a black guy with a large group of white people came in a little later. that's still 2 black people out of about 120 people.

i'm just still trying to figure out why my roots are so deep here and why we stay in a place like portland. it's great and all, but the overabundant whiteness really gets to me at times.

affection

last night The Husband and me and kids went to hang out at my brother's house. he and his wife are die hard Grey's Anatomy fans. i'm not into it, but i watched it since i was over there. his wife was talking about the black surgeon and his asian girlfriend and how they never show each other any affection the way the other non-interracial couples on the show do. i wouldn't know since i don't watch the show but it's probably true.

i know it's true in my case. well, kind of. i mean, i'm pretty affectionate to my husband at home. but it's really, really hard for me to be affectionate with him in public. i always tell people that i'm agains pda's (public displays of affection), but no, that's not really it. i feel like everyone's watching us. like we look so out of place to even hold hands. i have a fit when my husband tries to kiss me in public. he doesn't care what ANYone thinks which is why i love him so much. i'm the opposite.

no one bats an eye when they see a couple of the same race showing affection to each other but when you see a mixed race couple, it's just different. i feel like people think we're some naive misfits trying to be rebellious against society by being together. and whenever you hear someone say "oh, they're such a cute couple, they look so cute together", they're always talking about a couple where the people look similar to each other-both handsome, both short, both tall, both stylish, etc. i don't think that when people see a couple of different races together, that the first thing in their mind is how good they look together. i mean, they would appear to be opposites. my husband and i are opposites. he's very tall, i'm short. he's white, i'm black. aesthetically speaking, i don't think we look good together.

it makes me feel sad. sad that it's such a hangup of mine. i feel envious when i see couples of the same race being all affectionate in public. like it's something i'm missing out on. i wish i didn't care so much about what people think, but i do. and there are still racist, mean, rude people out there.

observations

at a recent kindergarten round up, i met a couple white moms who had biracial children (black fathers). both the moms were single. i started thinking all the white moms i've ever known with children by black men.

of all the white moms i know who've had children with black men , they've ALL had major problems in their relationships. they're either no longer together, or, if they are together,they constantly deal with problem after problem and nonstop drama. at the same time, i know many black women friends who've had children by/married to white men and for some reason those women have fairly drama-free lives, and seem relatively happy.

secretly, i've wondered if they look at me and my (normal, happy,trouble free) life and feel resentful. possibly resentful that i, a black girl have what they "should have" had. a SMALL part of me feels kind of guilty, but not really.

i know that there are white woman/black man couples out there that are successful. and i know that there are black women with white men who are UNsuccessful but it seems so rare. why is that though?

and i'm not saying that there's something wrong with black men. i mean personally, my preference is white. but there's obviously a different dynamic between white women/black men and black women /white men relationships.

superbowl eve

we're having a superbowl party this weekend. i almost chickened out because our tv is only a 32" inch. who wants to watch the superbowl on a small tv like that? the Husband and i went back and forth about which we needed more: a new sectional sofa for our family room or a tv. but not both. we can't afford both. we were so indecisive about it that here we are, on the eve of superbowl with the same tv and the same family room furniture we had. it's a good thing our friends really like us.

yesterday the Husband actually had the nerve to ask if i wanted to go buy one of those huge TVs at costco and then return it after the game. he was kind of, sort of "kidding", and i brushed him off good. but i know that if i had indulged him we'd have a 62 inch, hdtv right now. i wouldn't want to be the idiot going to return it. i just couldn't do something that ghetto. that's the kind of stuff that perpetuates the stereotypes. but of course, my husband could do it (but wouldn't)which made me think about his whiteness and my blackness. he could do ghetto things like that and the salespeople wouldn't think twice because he's just a good looking, tall, friendly WHITE guy. or, if they did think twice, it wouldn't be because he's white.

the Husband and i kind of have this deal about returning things. i don't like to return high priced items because the whole racial drama and stereotyping that comes with being a black girl. so the husband will return things for me (no dishonesty). i would just rather keep the chance of racial drama and suspicion to a minimum if possible. i've been there and done that enough to know how it is. especially if i have my 2 boys with me. you know, the stereo type--single black mom with multiple kids trying to get something for nothing. maybe that's just my perception. but the Husband has no shame and doesn't worry about being stereotyped so he's happy to return things for me when necessary. last summer i bought a laptop and something wasn't quite right. the salesman had rubbed me the wrong way i had flipped a little attitude so there was no way in hell i was returning that thing. but The Husband was in and out in a matter of minutes. even IF they wouldn't have been suspicious of me and given me any grief, i would just rather not take the chance of it happening and me getting all riled up.

'you have that white girl "aura" '

that's what a (white) coworker told me on Saturday at work. I know what she meant, but how am I supposed to take that? I honestly don't consider it offensive. Should i? I don't know. I guess I haven't analyzed it enough.

i know for a fact that she didn't mean it in an offensive way. deep down, i think i should have been offended. what struck me so weird was that she felt comfortable enough to say it. but that's not all she said.

we were talking about another black female co-worker who happens to be dark skinned. white girl didn't like some things this other black girl was doing--trying to flirt with white girl's boyfriend. so, white girl starts talking about how her boyfriend does like black girls, but he REALLY doesn't like the dark skinned ones. she smiled at me and said, "he likes them with your coloring, he used to [before they got together] be all over light skinned black girls like you". wow. us light skinned black girls must be special. for half a second i felt that way. and then i wondered why i was letting this white girl try to make me feel all superior to someone else of my own race like that?

that didn't seem right. the disappointing thing about i was that i didn't say anything to correct or scold. i just listened and took it all in. if 93% of portland was black, i wonder if i'd feel secure enough in myself to just say any old thing like that to a white person. that seems to be the way it is here in portland. i think white people just feel so comfortable with themselves. why shouldn't they-everywhere they go, there they are.

i've had conversations with white people like that before. maybe what white girl said didn't bother me because all my life i've had more white friends than black so i don't see them as the enemy so much. and most of the time when i'm with a white friend, i feel like one of them, in that i dress like them, i talk like them, i do things they do (i.e. i don't do/wear/say the stereotypical black things). and it's not in a phony way. that's just me. i'm a product of a white environment. what can i say?

but back to the comment about me having a white girl "aura". when she told me that, she started backtracking trying to explain what she meant as she thought i might be offended. she explained that 'you don't do the whole neck roll thing', and i appear to be kind of soft spoken, friendy, etc. i told her "yeah, yeah, i know what you mean, you don't have to explain". and thinking back, all the guys i have ever seriously dated were either from upper class black families and "acted white" too, OR biracial guys who also "acted white" OR white guys who were less than the stereotypical cornball white guy but not the vanilla ice type. so maybe i do give off some kind of aura or impression. i think subconsciously i've thought this without giving it a name like that.

the odds

the company i work for in has a huge campus back east with a regional office here in portland. every so often, at the regional office the stuffed shirts decide to shake things up and reorganize everyone's cubicles and managers. i'm really not sure what the point of this is- according to them, it's necessary at least once a year, sometimes twice.

so, this week they're doing another "realignment" as they call it. when i went to check out my new digs and which desk neighbor i would have, i was annoyed that they have me sitting next to another black girl. i like her, that's not the issue. but why did they put the two black girls together?

on my entire floor, there are approximately 75-80 employees. 5 of us are black women. but in my immediate area of 20 employees there are only two black people- myself and the other girl, who i'm now going to be sitting next to. is it a coincidence that they put us next to each other? what are the odds, with a ratio of 1 to 9? was that their way of putting us in our own little corner where we wouldn't "disturb" anybody? kinda feels like it. if there were 10 black people out of 20, it would be different. or do they think we want to be next to each other because we're both black? maybe i'm reading too much into it. but something just doesn't feel right. not when we (black people) are so sparse there.

date night

went out last night on a date with the husband. we started at kennedy school mcmenamins but when the wait for dinner was an hour, we decided to go somewhere "different". different as in: never been there, and probably for good reason but willing to try. i was feeling like mexican. so we ended up at Chez jose on about 20th and NE broadway.

wow. for a native portland/oregonian, i'm not surprised i've never been to that place. i'll never go back . we didn't have a bad experience, but who goes to an americanized mexican restaurant? that's just so not our style. i didn't realize it was so white in there. i didn't see one hispanic. and then, the chips and salsa. the salsa, was hot. i don't mean spicy. i mean it was steaming hot. wtf? besides that, it tasted like canned enchilada sauce.

in a place like portland, there's just no excuse for a restaurant like that. as many mexicans around, you'd think they could find a few to wait some tables and cook some authentic food. the service was pretty decent, at least. it was filled with people who probably didn't know the difference.

the husband and i like to make fun when we see a black guy with a white girl. we're such the pot calling kettle. but we're a different kind of interracial couple. i dont think we see ourselves as interracial. well, except for when i discuss it here. and, it's a whole different story when it's another black girl with a white guy. we don't make fun of them, we do the smile and nod, as if to say, "we know how it is, too".

this black guy and white girl come into chez joses and sit nearby us, and the first thing going through my mind is hmmph. why is he with her? if i think that, and i'm half of an interracial couple, others who are not interracial couples are thinking the same thing or worse. but we do it all in fun. however, there's still a part of me that wonders why he'd choose to be with a white girl rather than a black girl. maybe no black women wanted the guy. i don't know why i think like that, when people probably wonder the same about us.

people say portland is a liberal type place and more accepting interracial couples, etc. actually i believe it's more like a really polite place. everyone is so afraid of asserting an opinion for fear of being "judgemental". people will smile and pretend like they are okay with you, but behind closed doors it's a whole different story.

bosses

husband came home yesterday really discouraged from his job. he works for a huge corporation which is actually a pretty good job. the problem is, he works with a bunch of constant-pms-ing and post-menopausal women who hate men and hate their job. so the shit just rolls down.

the pay is okay. i wish he made more but his happiness and security is what matters. now that that's gone, it's to the drawing board and resume writing we go. as i was typing this, i wondered if it would make a difference whether his women superiors are white or black? oh yeah. even though husband is white, he has a black frame of mind. and then i tried to think of a time where he or i had ever had a slew of black women as our bosses. the workplace would be a very different place. i didn't have to think very hard. i know it's different in the east and the south, but it's lame that here in portland it's such an abstract thought.

i think we (pacific northwesterners) just get used to not seeing many black people in power (yes, there are some, but few and far between).

addressing a (rude) commenter who hates me but keeps coming back

...I just read your blog about Michael's and the part that you wrote about "making yourself sound black," is one of the most ignorant things I've ever heard. And then you topped that by saying that you "can turn it on and off when you want...most of the time it's off." Ignorant! Why is it off most of the time?...

*ahem*chuckle**first of all, despite what you may think, i don't have self hate issues (that was in another part of her comment). it's just that i can look at being black objectively.

second of all, just exactly HOW is making myself sound black (or "white") the most ignorant thing you've ever heard? really? REALLY? explain that. maybe you should venture out of your hood. how are you going to tell someone that their experience being who they are is ignorant? did you grow up in the same amerca i did? it sounds to me like you may be the one living under a rock and not gotten out to see the world.

thirdly, you ask 'why is it off most of the time?' hmm. you really have to ask? why WOULD i want to go around in a city where i only account for 7 percent of the black population -talking slang and ebonics perpetuating the stereotype? fortunately, i'm not one of the loud mouthed, don't-care-who's-around, women giving black people a bad name. if you are, then more power to you. that's your choice.

and finally how dare you tell me that my black experience is incorrect or invalid, or ignorant. i'm not some white person writing what i think things may be. i'm black talking about real life and real feelings and real stereotypes in my world. and i'd be willing to bet that if you weren't so worried about who might be reading your blog and you wrote what you really felt, it would be "ignorant" too.

Oh. There you are.

i like to respond to commenters, as people usually agree with me or don't. and for the past two weeks, Blogger (obviously) wasn't sending me notification emails when someone commented on my blog. here i was, wondering why my comments had just dropped off. oh well, i thought. and then, my stat counter site went down for about 4 days so i had no clue if anyone was reading at all. guess i should go to my actual site like i did tonight. i was shocked to see many of the comments i have never seen before. i'm supposed to get a notification email when readers comment. no such luck. ack. blogger sucks.

but thanks for reading. to the anonymous commenter who asked, TBG, ever think that maybe you obssess a little too much about this whole race thing? actually, no, i don't. ever think of taking off those tinted glasses?

chris, i wish i knew what brouhaha you are talking about. enlighten me. my email is in my profile page.

i get a lot of hits, i mean A LOT of hits from people trying to find out about "why black people eat chicken and watermelon". apparently, some people out there still think that. ...i get a ton of hits from people googling "hair texturizers". i had to do some editing because of my post about radio p*rn when i started getting hits from people looking for p*rn and other nasty stuff (thanks to the lyrics i posted from that song).

that is all. carry on and thanks for reading.