glutton

a few years ago my husband and i were in a certain social circle of friends. many of them were shallow couples and singles who always seemed in competition with us-materially, career-wise, financially. it was miserable and unhealthy, so we just stopped hanging out with them altogether. it's been a nice few years away from them.

recently we've been sort of reunited with a few of them inadvertently by newer mutual friends and i feel the uneasiness setting in. are they still the same shallow individuals? i've changed for the better since i last spent time with them-have they?

even though i'm not real excited about being reunited into this social circle of friends, i still find myself asking about certain individuals to their friends. have you been to their home lately? have they remodeled it since----? are they still driving the BMW? have they vacationed? etc.,

i truly feel that i've grown as a person since the last time i hung around these other couples-especially since having my kids. yet just knowing that they will be at certain places at the same time we are, brings out all my old shallow ways. i can't help myself from inquiring about them and their homes and lives. it's like i'm a glutton for punishment, since i don't really want to know the answers to my questions.

i mean, do i really want to know if they've remodeled their house? or if they got a nicer car? or if they bought a new house? the answer is no. so why must i ask? so that i can start feeling insecure and inadequate all over again like before? and start feeling sorry for myself that we haven't been able to afford to remodel or trade up to a bigger house?

the funny thing is, i can "step outside the box" and see things for what they are. i know that money doesn't necessarily bring happiness, that a bigger house means bigger payments, and that true friends don't care if my home is totally remodeled. but still, i struggle with this.

backhanded

i'm not sure what the point of being linked to from another blog of someone who has such disdain for me. it's kind of like a backhanded compliment. but whatever. it's kind of like the "ugh! taste this!!!" thing.

i read all the emails i get , but usually don't respond because i don't want to get attached to readers. meaning, if i correspond with someone by email, i'm afraid it will change my candidness.

i guess it's just the type of person i am. i want to write truly what i feel about things, and if i start being too concerned what "this person" or "that person" thinks, it will ruin my blog.

training

yesterday at work, one of my managers came to me and asked that i participate in online "diversity training". some sort of online training (obviously protect the company from lawsuits somehow, i'm sure) to learn how to be diverse.

i looked at this guy and said jokingly, "seriously. can i get a pass for this? i think i'm as diverse as it gets". he kind of chuckled and rolled his eyes.

is this some type of politically correct thing we're doing now? i mean, sure, i'm all for diversity, but you can't tell me that some racist with narrow viewpoints will do a thirty-minute online training and do a 360.

plus the fact that it should really only be directed at white employees. of course, they would never go for that...

desirable

the company that i work for is doing cutbacks. well, they've actually laid off 4 people recently. and whats interesting is that 3 of the 4 people were at retirement age. that sucks. but one of the people was someone i worked with pretty closely.

so after she found out that she had gotten the axe, she told me that this could happen anywhere and i should always have my resume ready, and that i should take care of myself (career-wise), because no one else would.

my first thought was, but i'm young. you're not. and then i thought: who's more desirable in the job market--a fifty something-year-old woman, or a 30 something-year-old BLACK woman? if i competed in a job interview against a fifty or 60 year old woman (assuming we had the same education and/or experience), i wonder who's the more desirable one. i know black women are hired all the time, i just wonder if black women and retirement-age white women are equals in that sense.