i have a thought
i temporarily dismiss it and go on with life
i recall it and think about it/analyze it
blog about it.
i'm not walking around as this big ball of negativity unable to enjoy life and people. the race issues i bring up are purely thoughts. it doesn't affect my interaction with people. you'd never know what i was thinking if you'd seen me at the pool with the other black mom (besides the fact i didn't walk up and introduce myself).
the only difference between me and the readers who have scolded and berated me about what i blog about is that when i have a raw thought, i don't just dismiss it to never be analyzed ever again. i
i'm not some demented person. i'm just like EVERYBODY ELSE. i go here, i go there, i work, i socialize, i eat out with friends and family, i work in my garden, i chat with my neighbors, i go to costco, i go get coffee, etc, etc. the comments from my last post led me to believe people think i'm sitting in some dark corner -like Glenn Close in fatal attraction- writing this and waiting for the comments to pour in. like i'm some nut.
a) i don't claim to be brave by posting what i post, as one commenter suggested (although it takes some bravery to read some of the comments and emails).
b) i was very ashamed of the feelings that prompted my last post. but, why shouldn't i blog about it-for self analysis if nothing else?
c)there are plenty of sick and demented people thinking WAY worse thoughts out there than i. just turn on the news. at least i'm not trying to hurt my children or small animals or anyone else for that matter.
d) i honestly don't know how african americans can not be negatively affected or brainwashed by society and the commercial media. i believe that i think the way that i do because of our society. why should i bottle it up? i am acknowledging that my thinking about race is off.
but who do i have to blame for that??
it's not my parents, they are successful and educated and race was never a factor growing up.
i guess i'm finding it really hard to believe that my readers don't ever have an insecure thought, or ever think negative things (wrong or right) about others from time to time.